I was just reading over some of the most recent entries here and thinking, "I wrote that?" I wonder how much Ghost-writing might really be going on. . . I don't know, but it's nice to go back and look and say, "Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense- why didn't I remember that? Why aren't I applying that to my life?"
Anyway.
I was reading my devotional and two statements caught my eye: "We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus much deeper down than we do, to get into the habit of steadily referring everything back to Him; instead of this we make our common-sense decisions and ask God to bless them." (emphasis mine)
And: "When we do anything from a sense of duty, we can back it up by argument; when we do anything in obedience to the Lord, there is no argument possible; that is why a saint can easily be ridiculed."
The first statement describes what often becomes at least a part of many people's prayer lives (myself included- no judgment here). We go about doing life, and then when we decide things are going crazy or not working out, we ask God to step in on our behalf to fix everything. If we would just keep Him involved throughout the process, there would be no need for "emergency prayers" for the daily activities we participate in (obviously things happen in life, and there are curve balls, and there are many moments we need intervention from God, but what I'm talking about here are the daily tasks, job activities, family time, etc.). Or worse, we fool ourselves to think that because we have "prayed" about it, it must be blessed, because clearly it's part of God's plan. What's really happening is that we are deciding to do things in our own power and treating God as more of an overseer rather than the supplying power. Maybe He has blessed you with a specific position/job placement, but just because you are doing some work there doesn't mean that you are doing His work there. I know I struggle with that.
But it's the second statement that strikes me harder. I am a very logical/analytical person (clearly, if you've read anything here). Nearly everything I do, I do for a specific reason, and usually it's something that has been thought out and makes sense, at least to me. There really is a method to my madness, although often times I think it just comes off as madness and people fail to see the process behind it. Anyway, I wonder to myself how much of what I do is really off of strict obedience to God (which in truth is a rational motivation to an action) and how much is motivated by that sense of duty (a quick aside- duty (origin with "due", meaning "to owe", and related to "debt") is something done out of obligation, be it personal, moral, legal, occupational, whatever. I generally think of the military when I hear the word "duty"). One could argue that we "owe" God a lot; everything, in fact! Our lives should be a living sacrifice, right? But that's not what He requires. In fact, we can't even achieve that on our own, but we don't have to. God wants us to understand our sin problem, to see the only solution through the death of Jesus, and to realize that life is about knowing Him better and making Him known to others. Sometimes I feel like there's too much pressure to try and become the "perfect Christian" and know a bunch of Bible verses and do and say the right things all the time, and yet sometimes I also feel like there's not nearly enough emphasis on those things, and neither of them are really a good way of looking at life. What I'm finding and figuring out is that it's about finding and figuring things out. It's a process- not a ladder. It's not about achieving specific levels or reaching different steps but more about figuring out God's will and chasing after it with everything. Sounds so simple, and yet here we are, making rules for ourselves, fearing what comes next, unwilling to step out and be different, and ultimately finding that duty leaves us empty, but obedience always fills us. Duty tells us we have to get it right or we have failed. Obedience tells us that we will make every effort to do right, and if we mess up, we will try again. Duty sets time limits on a task-based to-do list, allowing us to check off the things we have to do. Obedience is a natural and immediate reaction to life and everything that comes at us. Duty is planned. Obedience is (dare I say?) spontaneous.
The comforting thought out of all of this? I do not always have to be able to explain why I want to do what I do. I spend so much time trying to reason out everything. . . I just need to let the rationalizing go and just DO.
So that's my goal for the week.
2/28/2011
2/22/2011
Someday. . .
Someday, I will wrap up the TWO (count them, TWO) unfinished book projects in this blog, and maybe even finish some of the incomplete drafts of entries from long ago.
Someday, I will get a pet (probably a cat).
Someday, I will enter a Master's program, and maybe even a doctoral program. Who knows. . .
Someday, I will learn how to play guitar.
Someday, I will take the risk to implement changes that I know will not only improve my life, but those around me, no matter the cost.
Someday. . . someday. . . do you ever get tired of "someday"? I know I do. In fact, it becomes a major frustration in my life. The problem is that "someday" usually means "never", and that can be a hard thing to admit. Truthfully, we want to accomplish things. We want to make improvements in our lives and better ourselves. And we know that there are ways to do so. But when it comes down to it, it's easier to be lazy, to be complacent, to shy away at the first sign of challenge, to stay on the ground when we fall, etc. "Someday" allows us to hold onto the hope of change while never actually making us get around to doing anything about it. But to come up with an idea and follow through with it? That requires time. It requires patience. It requires that the inside changes, not the outside. Sometimes our someday's ride on the idea that external circumstances have to occur before we can even begin to achieve the someday, but I think the more important aspect is the internal attitude and perspective. And there's so much to get in the way of that- there's tons of things going on in life, and it's so easy to get caught up and off-guard.
I'm sick of seeing my own someday's continue to fall to the side. I'm tired of suppressing my convictions out of fear. I'm over getting worked up over something's and then letting them slowly deflate.
I want to start making my someday's into today's.
You know what's nice, though (in a semi-related note)? God's "someday" will come through.
One last statement, and I think it is very smart: "Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action."
Someday, I will get a pet (probably a cat).
Someday, I will enter a Master's program, and maybe even a doctoral program. Who knows. . .
Someday, I will learn how to play guitar.
Someday, I will take the risk to implement changes that I know will not only improve my life, but those around me, no matter the cost.
Someday. . . someday. . . do you ever get tired of "someday"? I know I do. In fact, it becomes a major frustration in my life. The problem is that "someday" usually means "never", and that can be a hard thing to admit. Truthfully, we want to accomplish things. We want to make improvements in our lives and better ourselves. And we know that there are ways to do so. But when it comes down to it, it's easier to be lazy, to be complacent, to shy away at the first sign of challenge, to stay on the ground when we fall, etc. "Someday" allows us to hold onto the hope of change while never actually making us get around to doing anything about it. But to come up with an idea and follow through with it? That requires time. It requires patience. It requires that the inside changes, not the outside. Sometimes our someday's ride on the idea that external circumstances have to occur before we can even begin to achieve the someday, but I think the more important aspect is the internal attitude and perspective. And there's so much to get in the way of that- there's tons of things going on in life, and it's so easy to get caught up and off-guard.
I'm sick of seeing my own someday's continue to fall to the side. I'm tired of suppressing my convictions out of fear. I'm over getting worked up over something's and then letting them slowly deflate.
I want to start making my someday's into today's.
You know what's nice, though (in a semi-related note)? God's "someday" will come through.
One last statement, and I think it is very smart: "Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action."
2/16/2011
God provides
Just a quick story, mostly for myself, because I need constant reminders that there is no reason to worry or not trust God.
I went out to my car Tuesday after school to find that it wouldn't start. Battery seemed to be fine (radio was working, as were interior lights and headlights) and there was no sound at all. When it's happened before there's at least been a click. But nothing. I know it wasn't of me, but I was pretty calm about the whole situation. A teacher friend drove me to DeLand, a church friend with car knowledge took me back up to see if he could possibly get the car working (unfortunately to no avail), then I went to rehearsal, and NOT in a bad mood (amazingly enough- again, definitely not my power).
However, the thoughts started coming: I'm a busy person. I'm slightly dependent on a car. I would rather not have to inconvenience someone(s) to keep schlepping me from place to place. I could really use a car.
And God provided it.
Another teacher friend left this evening to fly up to Ohio to visit her brother and is letting me borrow her car until mine gets fixed/she gets back.
Perfect.
His plan is always perfect.
"Why do you doubt, ye of little faith?" Seriously.
In an unrelated note, this passage stuck out to me the other night (might have even been last night) and I think there's a lot of good stuff in there.
Romans 12:9-13 - "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
I'm starting a new habit in my life. . . that's all I'll say for now. I may or may not say what it is in a future entry, but let's just say it is definitely related to those verses.
I went out to my car Tuesday after school to find that it wouldn't start. Battery seemed to be fine (radio was working, as were interior lights and headlights) and there was no sound at all. When it's happened before there's at least been a click. But nothing. I know it wasn't of me, but I was pretty calm about the whole situation. A teacher friend drove me to DeLand, a church friend with car knowledge took me back up to see if he could possibly get the car working (unfortunately to no avail), then I went to rehearsal, and NOT in a bad mood (amazingly enough- again, definitely not my power).
However, the thoughts started coming: I'm a busy person. I'm slightly dependent on a car. I would rather not have to inconvenience someone(s) to keep schlepping me from place to place. I could really use a car.
And God provided it.
Another teacher friend left this evening to fly up to Ohio to visit her brother and is letting me borrow her car until mine gets fixed/she gets back.
Perfect.
His plan is always perfect.
"Why do you doubt, ye of little faith?" Seriously.
In an unrelated note, this passage stuck out to me the other night (might have even been last night) and I think there's a lot of good stuff in there.
Romans 12:9-13 - "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
I'm starting a new habit in my life. . . that's all I'll say for now. I may or may not say what it is in a future entry, but let's just say it is definitely related to those verses.
2/05/2011
Saturday morning thoughts
I've been struggling a bit in the past few weeks with a diversity of issues in the different sectors of my life, but finally today I realized what the true issue is.
I have been utterly and completely self-focused.
It is amazing how quickly worry about one thing starts to seep into everything else, and then all of the sudden, your entire life is poisoned by feeling that nothing will ever turn out and what's the point of it all anyway. I wasn't nearly that low by any means, but really, when I think about it, the only reason I have ever gotten there is because I think that I have to do it all. I have to get things done. I have to fill my needs. I have to make sure nothing goes wrong. I this, I that. . . I. . . I. . . what was I thinking??
It took two really simple realizations to get me to this point. First, God created the universe and everything in it. That doesn't even begin to be comprehensible. . . I mean, He knows and controls EVERYTHING. Everything from the movement of the planets to the growth of living things, if there is anyone who is an authority on what's going to happen next, it's God. Second, God created me. Me! He specifically gave me the attributes I have, both the good and the bad, and has engineered the circumstances for my life. Once again. . . who better to listen to and get to know than the Person who knows exactly what I need? I don't know what I need, because if I were the authority on my life, I would have been in TFA for the past year and a half. At the very least I definitely wouldn't have been in Florida. And yet look how perfectly things were set-up for me.
James 4:8a- "Come near to God and he will come near to you."
I love getting back-up from God. This is the "Scripture of the Day" I received in my e-mail this morning:
Job 33:4- "The Spirit of God had made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life."
Jesus is Lord. He's in control; He made the universe! He knows me; He made me! What do I have to worry about?
Now. . . to make this attitude stick. . .
I have been utterly and completely self-focused.
It is amazing how quickly worry about one thing starts to seep into everything else, and then all of the sudden, your entire life is poisoned by feeling that nothing will ever turn out and what's the point of it all anyway. I wasn't nearly that low by any means, but really, when I think about it, the only reason I have ever gotten there is because I think that I have to do it all. I have to get things done. I have to fill my needs. I have to make sure nothing goes wrong. I this, I that. . . I. . . I. . . what was I thinking??
It took two really simple realizations to get me to this point. First, God created the universe and everything in it. That doesn't even begin to be comprehensible. . . I mean, He knows and controls EVERYTHING. Everything from the movement of the planets to the growth of living things, if there is anyone who is an authority on what's going to happen next, it's God. Second, God created me. Me! He specifically gave me the attributes I have, both the good and the bad, and has engineered the circumstances for my life. Once again. . . who better to listen to and get to know than the Person who knows exactly what I need? I don't know what I need, because if I were the authority on my life, I would have been in TFA for the past year and a half. At the very least I definitely wouldn't have been in Florida. And yet look how perfectly things were set-up for me.
James 4:8a- "Come near to God and he will come near to you."
I love getting back-up from God. This is the "Scripture of the Day" I received in my e-mail this morning:
Job 33:4- "The Spirit of God had made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life."
Jesus is Lord. He's in control; He made the universe! He knows me; He made me! What do I have to worry about?
Now. . . to make this attitude stick. . .
2/01/2011
a short entry on having a short fuse (or a quick entry on being quick tempered)
It may surprise you but honestly, I have a pretty short temper. However, it usually takes something very specific to set me off; I'm not the type to get mad about little things, like bad drivers, having to wait in line at a store, inappropriate comments or getting put down, etc. But I AM the type who will get mad real quick about something to do with job ethics, illogical production decisions, or something else that I feel strongly about.
Today was a rare exception.
There wasn't any one thing that went wrong or set me off, but more an unfortunate piling of many small and stupid things that on a normal day, I would have shook off and dealt with just fine. But a few things happened at school (one having to do with changing my plans/curriculum (AGAIN, which is aggravating), other things student attitude related), so I left in a semi-bad mood. . . and then I was trying to nap, and I kept getting interrupted. . . and then I went to go to dinner with friends and my car was overheating (this was very close to the breaking point). . . and then I got lost on the way to a restaurant (because Google Maps HAD THE WRONG LOCATION. Let me take an aside here and say that I have absolutely no inherent sense of direction. I'm good at finding a place for the second time, but that first journey to ____________ is always a little stressful for me. On the flip side, I have a photographic memory, so if I look at a map, I'm usually OK. If the map is wrong, though, there is no hope), and the combination of stupid car and stupid being lost set me off on a rampage. I was absolutely furious. I was yelling in my car, punching the roof, just being completely ridiculous. And then I got home to shove some food in my face before my meeting/rehearsal and I tried to quickly download a file for tomorrow's lessons AND THE LINK WOULDN'T WORK.
Needless to say, I was over it all.
I was still steaming when I got to the annex. I had a little time to myself and started to calm myself down, trying to take my mind off the rest of the day (since I couldn't do anything about any of it at that moment anyway), and by the time rehearsal got started, I was in a better place (and rehearsal went well, so that's always helpful).
I just got home. . . maybe an hour ago, and I look back at the day, and I'm just sad that I got that worked up. I know that everything happens for a reason. I don't know why I allowed myself to become totally self-focused and upset by all those different things. I know I'm human, but I also know that I know better.
So I've decided that this is the lesson I was supposed to learn today:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4:4-8
In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote about this before. It's a longer entry about peace. If only I had read it this morning- "'Our inner attitudes do not have to reflect our outer circumstances.' It's a matter of perspective."
Thanks for being there for me, Past me.
And now that I'm talking to myself, it's probably time to go to bed.
Today was a rare exception.
There wasn't any one thing that went wrong or set me off, but more an unfortunate piling of many small and stupid things that on a normal day, I would have shook off and dealt with just fine. But a few things happened at school (one having to do with changing my plans/curriculum (AGAIN, which is aggravating), other things student attitude related), so I left in a semi-bad mood. . . and then I was trying to nap, and I kept getting interrupted. . . and then I went to go to dinner with friends and my car was overheating (this was very close to the breaking point). . . and then I got lost on the way to a restaurant (because Google Maps HAD THE WRONG LOCATION. Let me take an aside here and say that I have absolutely no inherent sense of direction. I'm good at finding a place for the second time, but that first journey to ____________ is always a little stressful for me. On the flip side, I have a photographic memory, so if I look at a map, I'm usually OK. If the map is wrong, though, there is no hope), and the combination of stupid car and stupid being lost set me off on a rampage. I was absolutely furious. I was yelling in my car, punching the roof, just being completely ridiculous. And then I got home to shove some food in my face before my meeting/rehearsal and I tried to quickly download a file for tomorrow's lessons AND THE LINK WOULDN'T WORK.
Needless to say, I was over it all.
I was still steaming when I got to the annex. I had a little time to myself and started to calm myself down, trying to take my mind off the rest of the day (since I couldn't do anything about any of it at that moment anyway), and by the time rehearsal got started, I was in a better place (and rehearsal went well, so that's always helpful).
I just got home. . . maybe an hour ago, and I look back at the day, and I'm just sad that I got that worked up. I know that everything happens for a reason. I don't know why I allowed myself to become totally self-focused and upset by all those different things. I know I'm human, but I also know that I know better.
So I've decided that this is the lesson I was supposed to learn today:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4:4-8
In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote about this before. It's a longer entry about peace. If only I had read it this morning- "'Our inner attitudes do not have to reflect our outer circumstances.' It's a matter of perspective."
Thanks for being there for me, Past me.
And now that I'm talking to myself, it's probably time to go to bed.
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