.posthidden {display:none} .postshown {display:inline} By His Own Hand. . .: All of the nagging question

6/20/2018

All of the nagging question

Next week I’m going to turn 30. And I’m trying to figure out why it’s bothering me so. It’s not like. . . all consuming, the world is ending, I’m past my prime, etc. It’s more just like a nagging, and continues to nag the closer that I get to it. It’s just a number. But I know that a lot of my problem lies in just knowing that I did not imagine my life would be this at 30.

 I’ve never been one to think concretely in things like five or ten year plans. I think the best example of that is the fact that I only auditioned for one music school for undergrad and basically had no back-up plan if I hadn’t made it in. Really I think it’s one question that haunts me. It was one thing that for whatever reason I made into a concrete “thing” and now it’s sticking out of the grief rock and into my gut.

 “What if I’m a widower before I’m 30?”

 It’s been echoing louder and louder. . . and I am not sure why I put that number on it. It could have easily been 40. Or 50. Or 72 1/2. Why put some kind of specific end gate? I don’t know. What are you supposed to think when your fiancée gets a diagnosis of the return a 5 year dormant cancer that suddenly presents in a rare and odd way?

It was a conversation we had. . . a conversation that never really completed, because how can that conversation get completed? It’s a dialogue that only one person can really end up carrying out in the end. I know that she gave some specific tasks to specific people, and I know that some of those have been completed. But to go back to the question, I think that in my mind, even in my darkest dreams, I don’t think I really believed that she would die. Not so soon anyway. Not before our first anniversary. By the time I would be 30, we’d have had a few years together. Celebrated some milestones. Continued to fight the invisible assassin.

 Now I’m three and a half years into a new normal that doesn’t look like anything I would have even guessed. And certainly, it is not bad. There is a lot of good things, a lot of amazing people, and continually I am in awe of God’s perfect plan many of the details. But that doesn’t mean I don’t grieve the life that didn’t happen.


 I don’t really have a point, except to say that I miss my wife.

1 comment:

  1. We miss her, too, it definitely wasn't in our plan and changed the course of our life dramatically. We continue to appreciate the gift of Cameron in our lives and God's plan for her time with us!

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