That's pretty much been my motto this whole year (and in fact, that's always been my motto, whether accompanying a bunch of people or doing the High Noon concerts or writing a paper and studying for an exam 6 hours before it's taken). Only three of my HS guys showed up for the showcase tonight, so I jumped in with cymbals (which is always fun). I know more kids have signed up for band from McInnis. Hopefully I can get over to Pierson soon (and even if I can't take my students, I can go and have them try instruments- that's really effective I think, and I hadn't even thought about it until yesterday).
Anywho, I'm real tired, so I'm rambling. I went to school, drove to Daytona for choral MPA (and got lost and barely arrived right as they were going to warm-up. . . I felt bad for Kyle but they sang well and all's well that ends well, right?) and then drove back to Pierson for the curriculum showcase. I made a realization on the car ride back, so hopefully I can put it as succinctly and eloquently as I originally thought it.
So, I'm good at making things work. I am the back-up plan master, and I am definitely a "do-er" rather than a "think-er." What I realized tonight is that that's exactly what I'm supposed to do- I've got to work with what I'm given. That includes recruitment, of course, but if I do everything at my best, God will provide exactly what I need in His timing. Whether I have 60 kids, 30 kids, or 10 kids sign up for band, I will take those kids and love them and work them hard and have laughs with them and teach them. But I've got to stick with it, and I've got to always make it work. The hard work and stress will pay off- I just have to avoid the fatalistic attitude of "this is impossible." For me alone? Yes. But I serve a loving and all-powerful God!
My hope is in the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth.
4/29/2010
4/27/2010
Psalm 25
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!
4/26/2010
sleep paralysis, part 3
I figured rather than making the last entry even longer, I would just finish up my thoughts in a new entry.
So, I don't know what your impressions are of what you've read up to here, but you've obviously come this far, so you must be intrigued.
Either that, or you are very, very confused. Go back and read the two entries before this.
. . . good? Everyone on the same page now?
(sorry, sometimes I get a little silly. . .)
Could I be wrong about all this? Of course. Do I really believe that I have had encounters with some kind of evil spiritual being(s)? Yes, I do. And I don't think that SP is the only way that this happens. It's all about how aware we are of the world around us, and it works both ways. We can begin to see the hand of God in many things. . . so doesn't it make sense that we can also see the hand of evil working in the world as well? We can choose to see the Painter's hand in the sunset and the Composer's musings in the birds, but can't we also see the deception of the master of lies in the media? Can't we chalk up the confusion of religion, denominations, and belief systems to he who wants to keep everyone from knowing Truth and Love?
Far too often we as Christians jump all over the workings of God in life (which is not a bad thing) and ignore the presence of His opposition (which is a VERY bad thing). We fail to realize that we are truly in the midst of war.
I don't remember what book it was, but I read this idea that thoughts come from three places: the Holy Spirit and the forces of God, the Devil and his army, and within ourselves. To me that is such a freeing idea, because it means that EVERY THOUGHT THAT CROSSES OUR MIND IS NOT NECESSARILY LEGITIMATE. If we are able to sift through our thoughts and figure out "Will this bring me closer to God and further His will or not?" about everything that we think, we should be able to live a fantastic life. Unfortunately, that's not always an easy task, especially when we are dealing with a very powerful fallen angel. Think about it: he knows what Heaven, God, Jesus, and eternity are actually like. He used to reside there!!! The best deception is made by one who is familiar with what they are lying about, because they are able to put in enough of the truth to seem believable and yet leave out details or misrepresent parts of it so that ultimately the entire picture is distorted.
Another little caveat- Satan orchestrated the death of Christ! Isn't that kind of mind blowing? And he thought he had won. . . but Christ rose three days later, and we now can grab onto that victory! (PS, very interesting website)
All of that to say this: we fight an incredibly strong enemy. How thankful and humbled I am to serve an all-powerful God who has already won this struggle for me!
. . . so back to SP. It started when I really started pulling away from God in a major way. Looking back at it now, I think it was happening either as celebration for them and/or as a way to drive me deeper and further from Him (which it did). Things started to change once I moved down here, and I figured the SP episodes were behind me, but no such luck. I don't really know what to make of the ones I had this fall/early winter except maybe to dissuade me from taking those first steps back into growing in my faith. But I strongly believe God allowed/wanted the one a few months ago to happen right along with the timing of my exploring spiritual warfare and taking huge strides towards aligning my life with His will so that I can accomplish what I'm supposed to do with my time here on Earth. And (I may have already said this) the most recent episode I think is a desperate attempt to again just scare me off and hamper my progress towards the goal.
Unfortunately for him, I've already had more than enough of a taste of God's power to know with whom I will align my life. I'll endure SP as long as I have the opportunity to turn it around and use it for His glory.
I hope that, at the very least, you have begun to look at some of the things in your life a little differently. I don't know when (if ever) I might have SP again, but I do know that joy of the Lord is way bigger than any struggles or trials I will have in this life.
So, I don't know what your impressions are of what you've read up to here, but you've obviously come this far, so you must be intrigued.
Either that, or you are very, very confused. Go back and read the two entries before this.
. . . good? Everyone on the same page now?
(sorry, sometimes I get a little silly. . .)
Could I be wrong about all this? Of course. Do I really believe that I have had encounters with some kind of evil spiritual being(s)? Yes, I do. And I don't think that SP is the only way that this happens. It's all about how aware we are of the world around us, and it works both ways. We can begin to see the hand of God in many things. . . so doesn't it make sense that we can also see the hand of evil working in the world as well? We can choose to see the Painter's hand in the sunset and the Composer's musings in the birds, but can't we also see the deception of the master of lies in the media? Can't we chalk up the confusion of religion, denominations, and belief systems to he who wants to keep everyone from knowing Truth and Love?
Far too often we as Christians jump all over the workings of God in life (which is not a bad thing) and ignore the presence of His opposition (which is a VERY bad thing). We fail to realize that we are truly in the midst of war.
I don't remember what book it was, but I read this idea that thoughts come from three places: the Holy Spirit and the forces of God, the Devil and his army, and within ourselves. To me that is such a freeing idea, because it means that EVERY THOUGHT THAT CROSSES OUR MIND IS NOT NECESSARILY LEGITIMATE. If we are able to sift through our thoughts and figure out "Will this bring me closer to God and further His will or not?" about everything that we think, we should be able to live a fantastic life. Unfortunately, that's not always an easy task, especially when we are dealing with a very powerful fallen angel. Think about it: he knows what Heaven, God, Jesus, and eternity are actually like. He used to reside there!!! The best deception is made by one who is familiar with what they are lying about, because they are able to put in enough of the truth to seem believable and yet leave out details or misrepresent parts of it so that ultimately the entire picture is distorted.
Another little caveat- Satan orchestrated the death of Christ! Isn't that kind of mind blowing? And he thought he had won. . . but Christ rose three days later, and we now can grab onto that victory! (PS, very interesting website)
All of that to say this: we fight an incredibly strong enemy. How thankful and humbled I am to serve an all-powerful God who has already won this struggle for me!
. . . so back to SP. It started when I really started pulling away from God in a major way. Looking back at it now, I think it was happening either as celebration for them and/or as a way to drive me deeper and further from Him (which it did). Things started to change once I moved down here, and I figured the SP episodes were behind me, but no such luck. I don't really know what to make of the ones I had this fall/early winter except maybe to dissuade me from taking those first steps back into growing in my faith. But I strongly believe God allowed/wanted the one a few months ago to happen right along with the timing of my exploring spiritual warfare and taking huge strides towards aligning my life with His will so that I can accomplish what I'm supposed to do with my time here on Earth. And (I may have already said this) the most recent episode I think is a desperate attempt to again just scare me off and hamper my progress towards the goal.
Unfortunately for him, I've already had more than enough of a taste of God's power to know with whom I will align my life. I'll endure SP as long as I have the opportunity to turn it around and use it for His glory.
I hope that, at the very least, you have begun to look at some of the things in your life a little differently. I don't know when (if ever) I might have SP again, but I do know that joy of the Lord is way bigger than any struggles or trials I will have in this life.
4/25/2010
sleep paralysis, part 2
**If you don't believe in the presence of demons in our world today, I hope this entry at least makes you think. Please approach it with an open mind. Again, I don't claim to be an expert, but I know what I have experienced, and this is the explanation that makes the most sense to me.**
So, if you haven't looked at the video link from the last entry, you should go do that now. It's about 10 minutes long, but it gives the science behind all the aspects of SP. Some people think that science and religion don't mix, but I think that's absurd. In most cases, science explains the "How?" and God explains the "Why?" (the best example I can think of off hand is gravity- science explains how it is that when you drop an apple, it will fall towards the Earth, and it can even tell us that this will happen at 9.81 m/s2, but WHY do all objects have a gravitational pull towards each other? That, or the whole existence of creation- that's a pretty big "Why?" that science tries to fill but can't). In the case of SP, we know that the body, during REM, sends out a chemical to paralyze the body and keep it from acting out large physical actions in dreams (and potentially harming ourselves), and that the part of the brain that control the feelings of motion and the fear center are highly active during REM sleep, and that when we awaken with sleep paralysis, we are simply experiencing the effects of stated observable/measurable data, but WHY? What purpose does it serve?
I truly believe (and I'm not alone- see websites below) that it's a small glimpse into the spiritual world and a direct "physical" attack of demons/fallen angels on humans (I say "physical" because it is really a more mental experience (and that is truly where the spiritual realm lies), but the physical aspect of it all is what makes it terrifying, with visions seen with the waking eyes and the paralysis itself). Various religions and belief systems have explained it in their own ways, from "the old hag" (referring to the hallucinating of an old woman, sometimes sucking the breath out of the victim- a common hallucination) to "the demon on my chest" (not being able to breathe) to the incubus and succubus (demons who come and to have sexual relations with the sleeper- I've found many descriptions of sexuality linked to SP incidents) to alien abductions (the feeling of being moved coupled with inexplicable sounds and shadowy hallucinations. . . yep, not as irrational an explanation as it might seem at first glance). Through the telling of my experience last night, this is how I explain it:
First off, I went to Grad Nite at Disney (which was a blast) but we got back much later than expected, and I had a rehearsal Saturday morning, so I didn't sleep (except for in and out of consciousness on the bus ride home) between 5:30 Friday morning and noon Saturday. I slept for about 12 hours, woke up and ate something, and went to the internet to check what was going on and fight off the disorientation of waking up at midnight. Pretty average computer use: facebook, blogs, e-mail, online games (armorgames.com is my newest time-waster/destresser), temptation to look at/for things I shouldn't (again, nothing out of the ordinary there, and thankfully resisted/conquered). For whatever reason I watched a short video about face make-up, and it talked about how to make a burnt face a la Freddy Krueger with spirit gum (spirit gum is AWFUL, for those of you with stage experience) (also, it's called spirit gum because it's made with some kind of alcohol (35A or something) and an adhesive- I had always wondered about that). I think the Krueger thing must have triggered the "sleep paralysis" memories in my brain, because I decided to search for a video that explained how it works (the video I posted? Yep, just found it about 13 hours ago. That's why in the entry previous I said that I probably set myself up for SP to happen). I also found this: SBC folks (and anybody else) should check these three videos out; I won't reveal anymore because I'M BIRDWALKING. Sorry. So, after all that, I went to bed around 4.
Sometime close to 5, I woke up in an uncomfortable position, with my torso twisted sideways towards my bedroom door (my bed is against two walls) but my legs somewhat flat against the bed, knees down (this is important later). I knew immediately I was in SP because I couldn't move out of that position. I did what I've done the past couple times, which is to just close my eyes, accept that SP is once again occurring but that nothing is going to harm me, and hopefully fall back asleep soon so that I can wake up legitimately (usually, it's SP-various scariness-close eyes-open them 30 to 60 seconds later-sit up in a cold sweat). A new factor happened this time though- I fell into a lucid dream (not to get too much into this concept, but basically they are very realistic dreams that we are in control of). I was in a neutral room with my kitty, and I was petting him, and I could feel the petting. Like, I really felt like I was petting him (later I discovered that I had actually taken my right arm and put it under my armpit and was rubbing my side, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what was happening). I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of awesome. It's no wonder that people turn to things like Healing Touch, Ouija boards, or Magick. However, after a little bit he jumped away from me onto a floating kitchen counter, and I woke BACK into SP. Not happy. I looked down at my feet and saw a red and green striped sweater, a clawed hand, and a burned face. Sweet. The creepy part is that "he" matched the shading and shadows of my room- the colors weren't out of place. Next thing I know, he's grabbing my legs, and it felt like it was dragging me closer to him. I turned my glance from it, and immediately scary sounds (shrill screeching and pulsating) harassed my left ear only (since this was the ear facing the spirit, I guess). Still feeling the "pull" and fighting to think through the noise, I asked God, "Please make him let go of me. Please make him let go." The sounds faded. I looked down again and he was still there, but the paralysis was slowly lifting off of my feet (again, a new experience: I could start to move my legs, but my arms and everything else were still out to lunch. Possibly an answer to prayer?). At this point my mind was finally starting to move a little too fast (up until this point I don't know if I had trouble breathing or not- there was a calmness in my mind (peace of Christ?) and I was just focusing on getting out of the paralysis and not giving Satan the pleasure of shaking me up as badly as I'm sure he wanted to) and I felt the start of suffocation. I cried out to God again, and it was gone. Hot sweat (it was pretty warm- no A/C for me yet). Movement returned to my whole body. No creature at the end of my bed. No sounds. No problem breathing.
I have more to say, but I have to get going, so this is good for now. Here are a few last thoughts, but be sure to check this out again (the UNFINISHED from the title will disappear when I conclude this entry).
I believe the Devil resorts to fear tactics for two reasons: either to flaunt his power/have a little fun, or because he's afraid and wants to do whatever will effectively shut down the target (and trust me, if you have never experienced SP, it is something that can easily shut you down for a while, especially because it's so terrifying and disorienting). It's a desperate tactic, and if I hadn't started looking into spiritual warfare in February, I would probably be more susceptible to living my life in fear of the next time I might experience SP. Again, not that it's fun, but when you have an idea of what to expect, and know that you aren't about to be killed by whatever being is hovering over you or grabbing at your legs, you approach the whole situation differently.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't look to deeply into this (for fear of being sucked into something bigger than I as a human can handle) and instead focus on my relationship with God. After all, shouldn't I just trust in the strength of the great Defender rather than get wrapped up in spying on the enemy's tactics and strategies? That's a great way to end up overestimating the power of the enemy and get frightened of the battle (think Saruman and his constant gazing into Feanor's palantir- it's easy to get obsessed). I once said that the idea of being God's warrior was exciting. . . but things like this make me realize that being human means being limited, especially when I'm not relying on God's strength. On the other side, as long as my focus in Heaven-ward, I don't think it's bad to be informed. After all, an effective warrior does not go running headfirst into a battle swinging blindly and come up victorious. And the most important part is that he goes in with the best armor and weapons available. So really that's what I need to do (and with an incident that happened earlier this week, I believe it all the more strongly now). I've got to focus on putting the armor of God on daily, and doing it correctly. What better armor is there for the inevitable spiritual battles? I know how sharp the sword of the Spirit is, but EVERYTHING else is meant for defense and protection. I've got to be sure that I'm not leaving myself vulnerable to attack (after all, the Devil wants to devour us).
Alright, I've rambled on long enough. Here are some interesting websites:
this talks specifically about sleep paralysis
this site is about deliverance from demons
this one is all about mental health (and I think there's some great stuff in here. His article about a cure for SP is here)
One last thought: I overheard a conversation about a kid in children's church who came up with the following (paraphrased): "I think God created Satan so powerful and let him become bad so that He could send Jesus to save us from him."
So, if you haven't looked at the video link from the last entry, you should go do that now. It's about 10 minutes long, but it gives the science behind all the aspects of SP. Some people think that science and religion don't mix, but I think that's absurd. In most cases, science explains the "How?" and God explains the "Why?" (the best example I can think of off hand is gravity- science explains how it is that when you drop an apple, it will fall towards the Earth, and it can even tell us that this will happen at 9.81 m/s2, but WHY do all objects have a gravitational pull towards each other? That, or the whole existence of creation- that's a pretty big "Why?" that science tries to fill but can't). In the case of SP, we know that the body, during REM, sends out a chemical to paralyze the body and keep it from acting out large physical actions in dreams (and potentially harming ourselves), and that the part of the brain that control the feelings of motion and the fear center are highly active during REM sleep, and that when we awaken with sleep paralysis, we are simply experiencing the effects of stated observable/measurable data, but WHY? What purpose does it serve?
I truly believe (and I'm not alone- see websites below) that it's a small glimpse into the spiritual world and a direct "physical" attack of demons/fallen angels on humans (I say "physical" because it is really a more mental experience (and that is truly where the spiritual realm lies), but the physical aspect of it all is what makes it terrifying, with visions seen with the waking eyes and the paralysis itself). Various religions and belief systems have explained it in their own ways, from "the old hag" (referring to the hallucinating of an old woman, sometimes sucking the breath out of the victim- a common hallucination) to "the demon on my chest" (not being able to breathe) to the incubus and succubus (demons who come and to have sexual relations with the sleeper- I've found many descriptions of sexuality linked to SP incidents) to alien abductions (the feeling of being moved coupled with inexplicable sounds and shadowy hallucinations. . . yep, not as irrational an explanation as it might seem at first glance). Through the telling of my experience last night, this is how I explain it:
First off, I went to Grad Nite at Disney (which was a blast) but we got back much later than expected, and I had a rehearsal Saturday morning, so I didn't sleep (except for in and out of consciousness on the bus ride home) between 5:30 Friday morning and noon Saturday. I slept for about 12 hours, woke up and ate something, and went to the internet to check what was going on and fight off the disorientation of waking up at midnight. Pretty average computer use: facebook, blogs, e-mail, online games (armorgames.com is my newest time-waster/destresser), temptation to look at/for things I shouldn't (again, nothing out of the ordinary there, and thankfully resisted/conquered). For whatever reason I watched a short video about face make-up, and it talked about how to make a burnt face a la Freddy Krueger with spirit gum (spirit gum is AWFUL, for those of you with stage experience) (also, it's called spirit gum because it's made with some kind of alcohol (35A or something) and an adhesive- I had always wondered about that). I think the Krueger thing must have triggered the "sleep paralysis" memories in my brain, because I decided to search for a video that explained how it works (the video I posted? Yep, just found it about 13 hours ago. That's why in the entry previous I said that I probably set myself up for SP to happen). I also found this: SBC folks (and anybody else) should check these three videos out; I won't reveal anymore because I'M BIRDWALKING. Sorry. So, after all that, I went to bed around 4.
Sometime close to 5, I woke up in an uncomfortable position, with my torso twisted sideways towards my bedroom door (my bed is against two walls) but my legs somewhat flat against the bed, knees down (this is important later). I knew immediately I was in SP because I couldn't move out of that position. I did what I've done the past couple times, which is to just close my eyes, accept that SP is once again occurring but that nothing is going to harm me, and hopefully fall back asleep soon so that I can wake up legitimately (usually, it's SP-various scariness-close eyes-open them 30 to 60 seconds later-sit up in a cold sweat). A new factor happened this time though- I fell into a lucid dream (not to get too much into this concept, but basically they are very realistic dreams that we are in control of). I was in a neutral room with my kitty, and I was petting him, and I could feel the petting. Like, I really felt like I was petting him (later I discovered that I had actually taken my right arm and put it under my armpit and was rubbing my side, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what was happening). I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of awesome. It's no wonder that people turn to things like Healing Touch, Ouija boards, or Magick. However, after a little bit he jumped away from me onto a floating kitchen counter, and I woke BACK into SP. Not happy. I looked down at my feet and saw a red and green striped sweater, a clawed hand, and a burned face. Sweet. The creepy part is that "he" matched the shading and shadows of my room- the colors weren't out of place. Next thing I know, he's grabbing my legs, and it felt like it was dragging me closer to him. I turned my glance from it, and immediately scary sounds (shrill screeching and pulsating) harassed my left ear only (since this was the ear facing the spirit, I guess). Still feeling the "pull" and fighting to think through the noise, I asked God, "Please make him let go of me. Please make him let go." The sounds faded. I looked down again and he was still there, but the paralysis was slowly lifting off of my feet (again, a new experience: I could start to move my legs, but my arms and everything else were still out to lunch. Possibly an answer to prayer?). At this point my mind was finally starting to move a little too fast (up until this point I don't know if I had trouble breathing or not- there was a calmness in my mind (peace of Christ?) and I was just focusing on getting out of the paralysis and not giving Satan the pleasure of shaking me up as badly as I'm sure he wanted to) and I felt the start of suffocation. I cried out to God again, and it was gone. Hot sweat (it was pretty warm- no A/C for me yet). Movement returned to my whole body. No creature at the end of my bed. No sounds. No problem breathing.
I have more to say, but I have to get going, so this is good for now. Here are a few last thoughts, but be sure to check this out again (the UNFINISHED from the title will disappear when I conclude this entry).
I believe the Devil resorts to fear tactics for two reasons: either to flaunt his power/have a little fun, or because he's afraid and wants to do whatever will effectively shut down the target (and trust me, if you have never experienced SP, it is something that can easily shut you down for a while, especially because it's so terrifying and disorienting). It's a desperate tactic, and if I hadn't started looking into spiritual warfare in February, I would probably be more susceptible to living my life in fear of the next time I might experience SP. Again, not that it's fun, but when you have an idea of what to expect, and know that you aren't about to be killed by whatever being is hovering over you or grabbing at your legs, you approach the whole situation differently.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't look to deeply into this (for fear of being sucked into something bigger than I as a human can handle) and instead focus on my relationship with God. After all, shouldn't I just trust in the strength of the great Defender rather than get wrapped up in spying on the enemy's tactics and strategies? That's a great way to end up overestimating the power of the enemy and get frightened of the battle (think Saruman and his constant gazing into Feanor's palantir- it's easy to get obsessed). I once said that the idea of being God's warrior was exciting. . . but things like this make me realize that being human means being limited, especially when I'm not relying on God's strength. On the other side, as long as my focus in Heaven-ward, I don't think it's bad to be informed. After all, an effective warrior does not go running headfirst into a battle swinging blindly and come up victorious. And the most important part is that he goes in with the best armor and weapons available. So really that's what I need to do (and with an incident that happened earlier this week, I believe it all the more strongly now). I've got to focus on putting the armor of God on daily, and doing it correctly. What better armor is there for the inevitable spiritual battles? I know how sharp the sword of the Spirit is, but EVERYTHING else is meant for defense and protection. I've got to be sure that I'm not leaving myself vulnerable to attack (after all, the Devil wants to devour us).
Alright, I've rambled on long enough. Here are some interesting websites:
this talks specifically about sleep paralysis
this site is about deliverance from demons
this one is all about mental health (and I think there's some great stuff in here. His article about a cure for SP is here)
One last thought: I overheard a conversation about a kid in children's church who came up with the following (paraphrased): "I think God created Satan so powerful and let him become bad so that He could send Jesus to save us from him."
sleep paralysis, part 1
**As a disclaimer, these are my experiences and my thoughts. I've done some research and found some websites, and while I might not agree with every single thing on each of the links I will put here, I feel this confirms the theory I made up a couple months ago (which is the last time I experienced sleep paralysis). Be warned- these blog posts may be a little intense/scary, but unfortunately everything that has happened to me is true. I'm not writing this as a pity story, but if someone out there has had similar experiences, well, you are not alone.**
Also, I don't think I've written about sleep paralysis here before. In the past year and a half, I've had at least seven times. Tonight was the most intense- I'll describe it in a sec, but first here's a quick overview of what can happen (every experience I've had has been different in one way or another). Basically, your eyes, ears, and mind wake up, but the rest of your body is immobilized. Sometimes you feel pressure as though you can't breathe (I have had experiences where I can breathe fine, or at least I'm not focusing on not being able to breathe, while other times that's the most terrifying part) and usually you can't talk (probably the second time I had SP living in the cottage with Laura, I heard her get up to use the bathroom and I tried to call out to her to see if she could wake me up (at this point I knew little about SP) and barely made a low grunting noise. Distressing, to say the least). Sometimes you get the pleasure of having a visual hallucination with it (I've seen a creepy clown head on a spring, three dark shadowy hooded figures looming over me, and now Freddy Krueger- more on why those later), and sometimes you also get sounds and noises (with the shadow figures, I heard kind of like an organ that doesn't have enough air or maybe just a really out of tune orchestra, but basically a "scary music" cluster chord, and last night there was some crazy ringing/drilling/wailing sounds. Other than that it's been silent/normal the other times). It can also lead to lucid dreaming (which tonight was the first time I experienced that). Whatever the combination of symptoms, one thing that is always there is the intense fear and panic felt throughout the process.
Here's the Wikipedia article (yes, I'm aware the danger of Wikipedia, but it explains it pretty well, and you can check out the references) as well as a revealing Youtube video.
In some ways, what happened tonight was my own fault (or at the very least, I was being mocked). I don't really know where to start now except to describe what happened/put out my explanation of the crazy experience of SP. However, you'll have to wait for part 2, because I have to get ready to go to church.
Also, I don't think I've written about sleep paralysis here before. In the past year and a half, I've had at least seven times. Tonight was the most intense- I'll describe it in a sec, but first here's a quick overview of what can happen (every experience I've had has been different in one way or another). Basically, your eyes, ears, and mind wake up, but the rest of your body is immobilized. Sometimes you feel pressure as though you can't breathe (I have had experiences where I can breathe fine, or at least I'm not focusing on not being able to breathe, while other times that's the most terrifying part) and usually you can't talk (probably the second time I had SP living in the cottage with Laura, I heard her get up to use the bathroom and I tried to call out to her to see if she could wake me up (at this point I knew little about SP) and barely made a low grunting noise. Distressing, to say the least). Sometimes you get the pleasure of having a visual hallucination with it (I've seen a creepy clown head on a spring, three dark shadowy hooded figures looming over me, and now Freddy Krueger- more on why those later), and sometimes you also get sounds and noises (with the shadow figures, I heard kind of like an organ that doesn't have enough air or maybe just a really out of tune orchestra, but basically a "scary music" cluster chord, and last night there was some crazy ringing/drilling/wailing sounds. Other than that it's been silent/normal the other times). It can also lead to lucid dreaming (which tonight was the first time I experienced that). Whatever the combination of symptoms, one thing that is always there is the intense fear and panic felt throughout the process.
Here's the Wikipedia article (yes, I'm aware the danger of Wikipedia, but it explains it pretty well, and you can check out the references) as well as a revealing Youtube video.
In some ways, what happened tonight was my own fault (or at the very least, I was being mocked). I don't really know where to start now except to describe what happened/put out my explanation of the crazy experience of SP. However, you'll have to wait for part 2, because I have to get ready to go to church.
4/14/2010
THIS is why I have a blog!
I'm silly sometimes.
Anyway.
Quick awesome story for you to read.
I'm stepping in for Ginny for the next few weeks for children's choir, and tonight was my first time leading them. We're singing "Sing to the King," and I was asking them about why we sing, to Whom we are singing, what the lyrics mean, etc. and it turned into a pretty interesting theological discussion (I think the lyric "Satan is vanquished" is what started it all). . . young children are SO amazing in their inquisitiveness! (I worked with Pre-K kids back home when I was in high school. . . lots of fun, lots of questions) I did my best to answer what questions I could and in terms they could understand (and if I didn't know, I just told them that), and I don't know, it was pretty neat. They were asking about why God created Hell, and how Jesus was both man and God, and about who goes to Heaven and who to "down there" (they're about 3-5th grade I think, and "Hell" is a bad word. . . but I explained that when it's referred to as a place and not out of context, it's not a "bad word". . . hopefully that wasn't a mistake haha) and just. . . MAN. GOD rather. So awesome to be His vessel. I hope that the Lord reached out to some of them; at the very least I think He has given them something to think about. But it was SO COOL to be in a room full of children asking about the nature of God and trying to work out God's plan for them and the world. The pleasure of being involved in God's work. . . so so awesome!!!
Having said all that, we gotta sing more next week :) but I hope they keep asking questions of their SS teachers, their school teachers if they go to the SBC school, and their parents. What an awesome place to be so thirsty for information about the Creator of the universe!
Moral of the story: we have a lot to learn from children. After all, "unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 18:3).
Anyway.
Quick awesome story for you to read.
I'm stepping in for Ginny for the next few weeks for children's choir, and tonight was my first time leading them. We're singing "Sing to the King," and I was asking them about why we sing, to Whom we are singing, what the lyrics mean, etc. and it turned into a pretty interesting theological discussion (I think the lyric "Satan is vanquished" is what started it all). . . young children are SO amazing in their inquisitiveness! (I worked with Pre-K kids back home when I was in high school. . . lots of fun, lots of questions) I did my best to answer what questions I could and in terms they could understand (and if I didn't know, I just told them that), and I don't know, it was pretty neat. They were asking about why God created Hell, and how Jesus was both man and God, and about who goes to Heaven and who to "down there" (they're about 3-5th grade I think, and "Hell" is a bad word. . . but I explained that when it's referred to as a place and not out of context, it's not a "bad word". . . hopefully that wasn't a mistake haha) and just. . . MAN. GOD rather. So awesome to be His vessel. I hope that the Lord reached out to some of them; at the very least I think He has given them something to think about. But it was SO COOL to be in a room full of children asking about the nature of God and trying to work out God's plan for them and the world. The pleasure of being involved in God's work. . . so so awesome!!!
Having said all that, we gotta sing more next week :) but I hope they keep asking questions of their SS teachers, their school teachers if they go to the SBC school, and their parents. What an awesome place to be so thirsty for information about the Creator of the universe!
Moral of the story: we have a lot to learn from children. After all, "unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 18:3).
4/12/2010
Learning to Listen
I've been in Florida almost 7 months to the day.
Where has time gone??
I've changed so much. . . and I have so much to write about. Everything that happened to me yesterday spoke to me in one way or another, from the morning service to SS to the evening service and even hanging out with some friends later last night.
Unfortunately I don't have time to update all of that right now. . . but this is my way of FORCING myself to come back to this in the afternoon.
LATER: I WANT TO WRITE SO MUCH!! I wish there were a way to be able to send thoughts into a program that would type them out for you. I could tape record myself, but then I'd have to transcribe, and I am an awful transcriber (as I often paraphrase; I get the meaning across, which I think is the important point, but that sometimes gets me into trouble, at least in academia).
Anyway.
I don't even know where to begin. . . I feel like God spoke directly to me throughout the entirety of Sunday. The morning service was intended to give us some insight into "Why Do Bad Things Happen to 'Good' People?" Reggie was right when he said that this was going to be a slightly different take. When we step into God's presence and take a look at life from His perspective, a LOT of things come clear. First off, there is not any "good" person out there! We all deserve separation from God/death due to our imperfection, but God loves us so much that He sent His Son to do the best thing He could do for us: He redeemed us. Instead of asking why He does bad things to good people or why good things seem to happen for bad people (see Psalm 73), we should really focus on why He would do the best things for all the worst people. Think about it- He didn't die for the "good" or the "righteous" or anyone that we think should get to Heaven because they are "not as bad as some people." He died for EVERYONE because NO ONE will ever be able to earn their own way into Heaven. Sorry. Not my rules, but it certainly makes sense to me. So, the theme I took from that service: when the worst happens, put faith in the best thing that's already happened.
. . . not that the worst has happened in my life by any means, but it's just a nice way to refocus my life back into the light of eternity. No matter what happens, nothing can take away what God has already done for me.
Next, the Sunday School lesson was about how to persevere in faith, which directly related to what was discussed in the service. Our class is in Exodus right now, and the passage we were looking at was when the Israelites were crossing the Red Sea. I need to get to bed so I'm not going to go into super detail, but these are the things I wrote down:
-Be still and get moving! (Huh? Still your emotions (partially because they can be misleading and they can definitely be paralyzing) and move on, going about God's work).
-Laser focus- who are we working for?
-He has put us in the circumstances we are in, and His way is ALWAYS best. It's not bad to question what's going on, but ultimately even if we don't get the specific answer, the answer is always that He's teaching us something (usually trying to bring us closer to Him and His plan for our life).
-Red Sea wall- How long do we have to walk, and will the wall hold?
-Are we pursuing the things that Gode likes and shying away from the things He doesn't like? (think relationship/marriage- we try and figure out our partner's likes/dislikes in order to please them most)
-Take the opportunity to glorify God when He takes us through our struggles instead of pointing to ourselves.
I've been having a lot of struggles with my job lately, and this really helped me to get the focus off the things that a)I can't control, b)in the end will work out OK, and/or c) don't have a bearing on my present situation (not that I shouldn't look to the future, but living in it is not a good option because it simply doesn't work).
The evening service was about Enoch and walking with God. . . but I need to get to bed, so I'll have to write about that tomorrow.
Also, I need to discuss the whole idea of Satan's plan and what he tries to do to humans, and where that fits into my life.
The culmination of all this is the idea that I need to give my very best in everything I do all the time, which means I should be coming to bed exhausted every night. No more complaining, no more complacency, no more cycle of not finishing out a project, getting overwhelmed, not finishing more projects, more overwhelming things, etc. Believers ought to be the hardest working people in the world, because we know that we are not going to be in the world for long, so we must present everything we can in this life for the glory of God and the expansion of His kingdom. What an exciting prospect- to work for the King of Kings and the Creator of the Universe! And He LOVES us! He cares about every detail in our lives (sometimes I feel like "Why should God care what happens at a small school in the middle of nowhere?" but then I realize a couple things: He care about me and my concerns, so He must care about it, and He also cares about each and every person at the school. And He placed me there, so if I can act as His agent to accomplish His agenda, then that's all the more reason to be still and get moving!
Like I said earlier on Facebook, it's time to get back into the game!
Where has time gone??
I've changed so much. . . and I have so much to write about. Everything that happened to me yesterday spoke to me in one way or another, from the morning service to SS to the evening service and even hanging out with some friends later last night.
Unfortunately I don't have time to update all of that right now. . . but this is my way of FORCING myself to come back to this in the afternoon.
LATER: I WANT TO WRITE SO MUCH!! I wish there were a way to be able to send thoughts into a program that would type them out for you. I could tape record myself, but then I'd have to transcribe, and I am an awful transcriber (as I often paraphrase; I get the meaning across, which I think is the important point, but that sometimes gets me into trouble, at least in academia).
Anyway.
I don't even know where to begin. . . I feel like God spoke directly to me throughout the entirety of Sunday. The morning service was intended to give us some insight into "Why Do Bad Things Happen to 'Good' People?" Reggie was right when he said that this was going to be a slightly different take. When we step into God's presence and take a look at life from His perspective, a LOT of things come clear. First off, there is not any "good" person out there! We all deserve separation from God/death due to our imperfection, but God loves us so much that He sent His Son to do the best thing He could do for us: He redeemed us. Instead of asking why He does bad things to good people or why good things seem to happen for bad people (see Psalm 73), we should really focus on why He would do the best things for all the worst people. Think about it- He didn't die for the "good" or the "righteous" or anyone that we think should get to Heaven because they are "not as bad as some people." He died for EVERYONE because NO ONE will ever be able to earn their own way into Heaven. Sorry. Not my rules, but it certainly makes sense to me. So, the theme I took from that service: when the worst happens, put faith in the best thing that's already happened.
. . . not that the worst has happened in my life by any means, but it's just a nice way to refocus my life back into the light of eternity. No matter what happens, nothing can take away what God has already done for me.
Next, the Sunday School lesson was about how to persevere in faith, which directly related to what was discussed in the service. Our class is in Exodus right now, and the passage we were looking at was when the Israelites were crossing the Red Sea. I need to get to bed so I'm not going to go into super detail, but these are the things I wrote down:
-Be still and get moving! (Huh? Still your emotions (partially because they can be misleading and they can definitely be paralyzing) and move on, going about God's work).
-Laser focus- who are we working for?
-He has put us in the circumstances we are in, and His way is ALWAYS best. It's not bad to question what's going on, but ultimately even if we don't get the specific answer, the answer is always that He's teaching us something (usually trying to bring us closer to Him and His plan for our life).
-Red Sea wall- How long do we have to walk, and will the wall hold?
-Are we pursuing the things that Gode likes and shying away from the things He doesn't like? (think relationship/marriage- we try and figure out our partner's likes/dislikes in order to please them most)
-Take the opportunity to glorify God when He takes us through our struggles instead of pointing to ourselves.
I've been having a lot of struggles with my job lately, and this really helped me to get the focus off the things that a)I can't control, b)in the end will work out OK, and/or c) don't have a bearing on my present situation (not that I shouldn't look to the future, but living in it is not a good option because it simply doesn't work).
The evening service was about Enoch and walking with God. . . but I need to get to bed, so I'll have to write about that tomorrow.
Also, I need to discuss the whole idea of Satan's plan and what he tries to do to humans, and where that fits into my life.
The culmination of all this is the idea that I need to give my very best in everything I do all the time, which means I should be coming to bed exhausted every night. No more complaining, no more complacency, no more cycle of not finishing out a project, getting overwhelmed, not finishing more projects, more overwhelming things, etc. Believers ought to be the hardest working people in the world, because we know that we are not going to be in the world for long, so we must present everything we can in this life for the glory of God and the expansion of His kingdom. What an exciting prospect- to work for the King of Kings and the Creator of the Universe! And He LOVES us! He cares about every detail in our lives (sometimes I feel like "Why should God care what happens at a small school in the middle of nowhere?" but then I realize a couple things: He care about me and my concerns, so He must care about it, and He also cares about each and every person at the school. And He placed me there, so if I can act as His agent to accomplish His agenda, then that's all the more reason to be still and get moving!
Like I said earlier on Facebook, it's time to get back into the game!
4/07/2010
APRIL CRIZAZINESS
So, I looked at my calendar today (on my phone that is; apparently I've given up keeping a written one) and for this month, there are more red days (meaning events have been made on them) than not.
Activities include: Homeland rehearsals, percussion sectionals/rehearsals for SWMS and Deltona HS, a couple concerts (one being BRAHMS GERMAN REQUIEM!!!!!!!), a few meetings, Wednesday night Children's Choir (I'm SUPER excited for this- more later), offertory on a Sunday. . . and the list goes on.
You know what's not scheduled in? Reading and internet time.
My poor blog.
Activities include: Homeland rehearsals, percussion sectionals/rehearsals for SWMS and Deltona HS, a couple concerts (one being BRAHMS GERMAN REQUIEM!!!!!!!), a few meetings, Wednesday night Children's Choir (I'm SUPER excited for this- more later), offertory on a Sunday. . . and the list goes on.
You know what's not scheduled in? Reading and internet time.
My poor blog.
4/04/2010
He is RISEN!
So, I guess I didn't get to this. Ooooops.
Actually, I didn't get a lot done that I meant to. I didn't get my oil changed, I didn't write music, I didn't talk to the mortgage guy, I didn't work out (minus tennis and walking around the parks), I didn't do any reading, I didn't bake.
But you know what?
I had an AWESOME break. I think for the first time, I actually want my break to continue. I'm OK with going back to school, but I'm not like. . . itching to get back. I've relaxed, I've spent quality time with people, I've spent significant time outside (in the beautiful Florida weather, which will get nasty all too soon, or so I'm told), I've practiced organ, I've eaten out (too much, maybe haha), I've spent all day (and night. . .) playing flash games online. . . it really has been fantastic.
One thing I've discovered about myself; although I have many introverted qualities, I still prefer at least the presence of others around. Even if I'm not interacting with them, there's something comforting about there being someone else that you know only a few feet away from you (even if they be in a different room). Part of that has to do with spiritual warfare. . . I'll expand someday soon.
Kind of like how I'm going to finish the Lucado entries sometime soon. . . .
For now, I'm off to finish laundry. I'll read and blog. . . soon.
Actually, I didn't get a lot done that I meant to. I didn't get my oil changed, I didn't write music, I didn't talk to the mortgage guy, I didn't work out (minus tennis and walking around the parks), I didn't do any reading, I didn't bake.
But you know what?
I had an AWESOME break. I think for the first time, I actually want my break to continue. I'm OK with going back to school, but I'm not like. . . itching to get back. I've relaxed, I've spent quality time with people, I've spent significant time outside (in the beautiful Florida weather, which will get nasty all too soon, or so I'm told), I've practiced organ, I've eaten out (too much, maybe haha), I've spent all day (and night. . .) playing flash games online. . . it really has been fantastic.
One thing I've discovered about myself; although I have many introverted qualities, I still prefer at least the presence of others around. Even if I'm not interacting with them, there's something comforting about there being someone else that you know only a few feet away from you (even if they be in a different room). Part of that has to do with spiritual warfare. . . I'll expand someday soon.
Kind of like how I'm going to finish the Lucado entries sometime soon. . . .
For now, I'm off to finish laundry. I'll read and blog. . . soon.
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