.posthidden {display:none} .postshown {display:inline} By His Own Hand. . .: 2015

12/02/2015

The thankful perspective

10 months... the further back I try to pull from, the more my mind is blown.  There has been quite the whirlwind through my life.  As much as it drives me a little crazy, I'm going to go backwards chronologically a little (perhaps because it makes for a more interesting story).  First of all, I got back from Thanksgiving and have hit the ground playing.  I have 18 students I am accompanying at JU, so between rehearsing with them, attending lessons, and preparing an accompaniment with a clarinet duo for a chamber concert last night (that went very well despite one of the clarinetists having food poisoning!), I've been the special brand of crazy that I like best- playing piano and running from room to room, switching musical gears at the drop of a hat, interacting with all sorts of people.  That's what the next week and a half holds, as most of the juries are next Friday.  I have a couple of students I will be playing for at UNF and if schedules work, I may have a few more even before I publish this entry!  I'm meeting with a production company tomorrow to start the rehearsal process for a show in Palm Coast that goes up in January (more details to come on Facebook after the meeting I'm sure), I've got Christmas music to learn and auditions to sightread, besides Lifegroup and church stuff. . . it's fantastic.  I am so thankful to be busy doing what I love to do (and pretty much busy doing only that).
Rewind to the week of Thanksgiving.
I was able to take the whole week and hang out with the in-laws, out-laws, children, dogs, and quiet mountain peace.  It was great to hang out and catch up, to play cards, to eat awesome food, to throw puns back and forth, and to just relax.  I feel like the sign of a good vacation is when you look back as you are leaving and feel both that it was a long time (and not for the bad reasons it can feel long) and that you are rested and ready to face the real world again, and for me it was both of those things.  I am very blessed to have been adopted into a loving family that, amidst its quirks and differences, still manages to be a close-knit group of people.  I know everyone cannot say that about their family, especially when dealing with in-laws, and I probably don't even really know how fortunate I am.
Rewind to a few days before Thanksgiving break.
My e-mail blows up on Tuesday with gig offers from several different theater groups, one of which is going to pay very well.  Within the next couple of days, several other offers (another theater and then some one-time engagements, like an all day vocal festival) roll in.  I am completely flabbergasted, because there is no reason for all of this to be happening all at once.  God is providing, as He always has.  I can finally quit my job!
... what job is that, you ask?
Rewind to October 1.
Orientation.  The process went quickly from submitting an application to a phone call to a face-to-face interview to actually getting started and beginning to be on the payroll.  I started applying for overnight jobs as Company was finishing up, as I was not yet getting the hours I was hoping for at the university, and my survival mode kicked in (and I needed to keep myself available for the university, because that was doing what I love, and also I didn't move up here for a job but to go to school.  And you can't pay for school on a $0 budget).  So, I took a minimum wage job at Wal-Mart so that I could pay my bills.  I didn't tell a lot of people, and honestly that is something that I struggled with and am still struggling with.  I mean, there's not a job that is below doing, and I always said I would do whatever it takes to make it from point A to point B.  But at the same time, being a 27 year old with a bachelor's degree and six years of experience as a teacher and moving to work minimum wage was rough.  All in all I didn't hate the job, as I was pretty much left to my own devices and it was easy to stay busy for the entirety of a shift.  Although technically part-time, with the commute I was spending 40 hours there and making half of what I did at the private school (so, while I would still agree that teachers are underpaid, I will never again say that teachers are poor.  I have now lived poor, albeit temporarily).   Because it was overnight I was sleeping at any hours I could slip in between accompanying, church, and job shifts.  I wouldn't say it was the worst set-up, but it certainly wasn't ideal.  I prayed one of those dangerous prayers though as I went through the process of taking the job- "If this job is meant to be, then make it go quick and easy, and if it's not, then shut the door before I even get anywhere close to entering."  And so, for the past two months, that was my life.  I was desperate enough for wanting to do more music that I would get off Saturday morning after having worked through the night, drove to a rest area and slept a little, travelled to central Florida to teach some voice/theory lessons, perhaps caught a couple of hours of sleep after that before turning back around to go to another shift at the store, and then staying up to do church the next morning (and then passing out, only to have to go back into work Sunday night).  That is no way to live life.  I know it is partially my lean towards being an artist that looks at that and goes, "Really?  I mean, at least there's some art in there, but why aren't you just trying harder to get gigs?  What is wrong with you?"  On the flip side, the thing that got me through the most was doing my best to be thankful.  Thankful that I had a job that could make ends meet.  Thankful that I still had the freedom to gig.  Thankful that I had a church that I was able to participate with.  Because if I had acted miserable, the job and everything else would have been just a nightmare.
I will admit that as soon as I felt secure enough in the gigs offered me, I dropped the Wal-Mart job.  Though I don't usually act in such a way, there is a point where you go "this isn't worth it anymore."  My position was unique to their set-up, as far as I understood, and they survived for a while without someone doing what I was doing.  I did as much as I could, and when I could not perform my tasks anymore I left.  Not the greatest exit, but it's the way I chose to handle it.

There are plenty of stories and questions and answers and more stories in all of that, but the point of it is this:   Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  I promise you that that "simple" approach will make everything easier to endure.  It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it doesn't matter if it doesn't fit in the plan you had for your life, it doesn't matter if it came out of nowhere: God knew it was coming, and at some point you will see it is for your benefit (Romans 8:28- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose; Romans 12:2-And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.)

8/14/2015

Blessings of obedience

Well, I am writing this nearly a week later than I intended too (. . . actually, no- no I'm not.  I intended to write this Sunday night, and today is ONLY FRIDAY.  That's the kind of week this has been. . . sometimes you buy a ticket for the struggle bus, sometimes you ride it accidentally, and sometimes it just runs you over mercilessly).  I mentioned in the last post about Grace Life, the church plant with whom I am currently co-laboring.  I can't begin to explain the blessing I have had being there.  This past week was my fifth time there, and, well, clearly time is meaningless to me for right now anyway, but it doesn't feel like it has only been that long (yet at the same time if I start to think about anything except the immediate past then it feels much shorter- my first Sunday was after VBS #2, and that seems like it was only a few weeks ago.  Probably because it was).  Beyond the friendships, challenging messages, and encouragement, there is something even greater I am gaining from this: the understanding of the significance of immediate obedience.

You see, the morning before I got that e-mail, I had been pleading with God for provision.  In fact I had been doing that for some time.  I didn't have a job lined up, didn't even have interviews on the horizon.  I was enjoying VBS but outside of that things were difficult.  So with the Spirit's prompting I crafted an e-mail that morning before I got to the leader meeting that I sent to UNF and to Jacksonville University advertising myself as an accompanist for hire (which, keep in mind, "I would never work as a pianist full-time"- Me.  "LOL yes you will." -God).  When I got home from VBS, there was an e-mail from Trinity Baptist College about a church looking for a music ministry intern.  I had gotten several of these types of e-mails throughout the summer, but I went ahead and read it anyway.  I didn't feel like it was really describing me as far as what they were ultimately looking for, but the thing that stuck out was that they had no one to lead music that Sunday (as in, several days from the e-mail being sent).  I almost left it alone, but once again, the Spirit wasn't going to let me let that go.  So essentially I responded with "hey, I'm not your guy but I can come help you out for a few weeks if you can't find someone else."  Cue an e-mail conversation that ended with me agreeing to meet with the pastor Thursday after VBS at a coffee shop.

(Side-note: within an hour or so of the conversation with Matt, I got a reply from JU asking me to come meet with them)

You can look at the previous post for more details on what happened after that, but again I will tout: immediacy in obedience produces much fruit.

1 Samuel 15:22-23:  And Samuel said, “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord?  Behold,  to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.  For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.  Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you from being king.”

Do we let our church ritual become greater than obeying God's command during the week?
Do we allow our checkbook to be the only contribution to evangelism?
Do we purposefully avoid God's intent for us in a specific situation because we think there's a better/easier/more comfortable solution?
Do we assume that as long as we are not being actively disciplined by God then we are doing everything right?
Are we attentive everyday for opportunities to listen to and obey God?

Samuel has offered some harsh words for us.  Me included.  Especially after this week.

We have to remember it's not just about doing all the things- it's our heart that He is after.  We can't glorify God if we aren't loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

7/16/2015

Where is life going?

I don't know about you, but that's a question that I find that I ask myself often these days.  For me lately there's been a series of changes, some that I have been in control of and some that I have not, so inherently in any time of transition there is going to be some change and potential turmoil.  Six months ago I would never have imagined that this is where I would be.  Actually, three weeks ago I would not have imagined I would be where I am at right now.
(And someday soon, I'll stop writing so much about myself and instead reflect on the things I am observing!  I think that is far more interesting material anyway)

So where am I?

I have joined up with a new church plant (thegracelifechurch.org) and am leading music; this will be my second Sunday this weekend.
I have an audition for an accompanist position at Jacksonville University next week; I am playing for the choral director and piano professor as well as the head of the music department.
I am moving out of my house.
I am just starting up the rehearsal process for another musical (and one "full" rehearsal in I can tell that I have a great cast, which is good because the music is wicked hard).

The only non-surprise on the list is the last one, and the wonderful surprise there is the awesome cast.  I may have said this before, but there is something the Church could learn from community theater- in this case, we have 14 "random" people from all different walks of life, backgrounds, ancestry, and yet we unite to one goal and work and build each other up together.  There's no competition, there's no back-biting, because those things affect the final product otherwise.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's never drama in a cast.  But I have rarely walked away from a production with a bad taste in my mouth, and typically it stems from some form of unprofessional action (and honestly. . . in six years of being in Florida, I've only had three bad situations out of probably 20 MD gigs and 12 keys gigs; I feel like that is a good ratio, considering the nature of performance art).

. . . . sorry for that bird walk, I was just updating my musical theater resume.  Anyway. . .

If I move down the list I just made, there is one common denominator in all of them: prayer.

In the case of the church plant, I was not necessarily seeking a "church gig" (I hate that thought as it is- that's a topic for a different day).  I saw an e-mail that a place had an immediate need, and as I am transitioning my life anyway I figured it couldn't hurt to respond and at the very least help the Body out in a time of need.  It is strangely humbling to be an answer to prayer.  I met with their pastor and ended up being able to hang out with a life group that evening as well, and I fit in very comfortably, which is always a good sign.  The coolest part about last Sunday was hearing a congregation of essentially strangers raise their voices in praise.  Like, I can't even begin to describe how encouraging that was, especially after what turned into a bit of a hectic set-up before the service.  I never imagined a) being involved with a church plant nor b) feeling that welcome.  There is definitely some great God stuff going on there, and I am excited to see what happens.  The other very odd thing about this situation is the vision I'm being given.  I am not a vision person; I'm a do-er.  But I hear the words of a dear friend echoed in the plans I am making and the approach I am taking, in that I think what I ultimately have to offer them is someone to lead them into learning to lead themselves in music.  I want to develop a music and media team for them of their people (particularly because I'm not necessarily moving to that area but somewhere about 30-40 minutes away, and I think there is something else for me eventually. . . again, a discussion for another time) and work myself out of a job.  But who knows what will happen?  I'm not naive enough to think that I've got it all figured out and can set the date and timing of it all, and perhaps I will fall greatly in love with their community and become a part of it.  I really have no idea.  But I know I'm supposed to be there now (as a side note and more of the orchestration power of God- there were no other bites to the e-mail that was sent for this position).

In the case of the audition, holy way-more-than-I-expected, Batman.  Being unemployed at the moment, I've been praying fervently for provision.  I sent an e-mail to UNF and JU just saying that I'm a pianist for hire, I have experience accompanying college students, here's my contact info.  All I really expected was a response of "thanks, we'll put your info in our files."  Instead, JU said they might need me and asked if I could come meet with them.  I said sure, and the next thing I know they want me to prepare an instrumental accompaniment as well as be prepared to sightread for three faculty members.  I still have no idea what they need and what kind of job is offered, but I know it's God opening doors.  He is secretly going through my list of things I said I would never do.  I would never teach at a private school, I would never teach elementary kids, and now I will "never" gig full-time.  And yet here we are, looking very seriously at my hands truly being the full-time money makers.  And this will be my first audition since. . . I don't even know.  I guess sometime in college.  Maybe even my college auditions. . . . so you know, 10 years ago.

Clearly, my leaving my house is directly related to the other two things already mentioned.  I began the MA in Bible program through Trinity Baptist College in Jacksonville, which is the original motivation for moving.  And I have had a renter lined up for a while, so that was a piece God took care of (I guess to assuage my transition out of the job and church I've been at for the past three/six years, letting me know I'm headed the right direction and He is still in control).

Now, to finally get to the actual point:

Matthew 6:26-34: "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

This is this lesson that I have been learning for the past three weeks, for the past five and a half months, for the past nearly two years.  I cannot and will not say that I have handled every situation perfectly.  I have had plenty of arguments with God, plenty of anger and tears and doubt and rebellion.  I know those moments are still coming.  But I can also say with 100% confidence that God has not just brought me to the place I am; He is bringing me through it.

James 1:2-4: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I am markedly different now than I was at the beginning of summer.  Whether or not anyone would be able to tell is hard because I disappeared for a few weeks, traveling and seeing family and friends and then more family.  But once I got back from all of that, I started to recognize my lack of ability to control life and my need for dependence on God.

And that's where my life is going- off of my power alone and instead yoked to Christ's power.

7/01/2015

Finding myself

So I just lost a significant portion of the post I was writing.  Oy.  A recap: I started online classes for an MA in Bible degree, been doing lots of reading and writing for that and loving it, been traveling a lot, therefore no posts lately.  Currently in the mountains, siblings coming soon, so I'm writing in the calm before the storm.
I promise it was much more eloquent than that, but I want to get to the meat of my purpose in writing today.

I have spent the past few months determining who it is that God has made me.  And while I do not yet have a complete picture, I have discovered some things (and had some revelations about things I already knew about myself).  So, in no particular order:
1) I am an artist.
Many of you see that and go, "Duh!"  But hear me out.  Even in college, I always thought of myself as a little odd from the average musician.  And I would usually say first that I am a musician or and accompanist before I would say I am an artist.  But what I have realized is that piano is a means of expressing my artistic nature.  After all, I am also a thespian, and playing for shows is really a niche I fit into well.  Seeing myself as an artist makes some choices I make have true meaning- I have always put priority into being involved in productions, I say "no" to opportunities that are creatively toxic (even if there are good people involved or a particular show I'd like to do), I jump at opportunities to try something new or different, I don't just play piano but sing or play drums or even handbells!  So yes, being a musician is a part of me, but it's a part of my being an artist.  And like any artist, I can be offended when my art, not my ability, is questioned, or when someone gets in the way of expression.  It's just a different way of seeing how I tick, for me at least.
2) I am an analyst.
No surprise here, but I really do tend to analyze everything.  Is this process efficient?  Does that word really mean what he said it means?  What's the origin story of _______?  I analyze music, theater, movies, preaching, books, in nearly all things constantly seeking out the truth as well as the possibility contained therein.
3) I am a sharer.
I think this is really where my enjoyment of teaching comes in.  I don't think we see teachers as sharing, but ultimately that is what we are doing, sharing knowledge and experiences.  And this is partially why I enjoy community theater so much- you share your lives for months in a rehearsal process, I get to share music, and we all get to share telling a story.  Church functions similarly, or should anyway.  On the flip side of this coin, I don't really think of myself as a teacher.  That may be in part to the red-tape ultra-accountable nature of teaching today, but truly for me it goes deeper than that.  At the end of the day my goal is exposure and expansion to those whom I share with; I am not as concerned with achievement as I am with a heightened sense of awareness and broader view of the world.  And again, maybe it isn't fair for me to say that a "teacher" is more concerned with achievement, but looking back at the last 6 years that is really what a lot of the focus and conversation is about.  Blame the system (perhaps- I mean, don't I want my teachers to care about my achieving well?  But alas, this is not the time for a discussion of educational philosophy).
4) I am a child of God.
Again, nothing new, except for a heightened sense of God carrying me through a lot of things.  I am still learning to completely trust.  I am learning to what extent God provides for me and the ways in which, whether observed or unobserved, God cares about the details.  I don't feel like I have done a great job in being completely dependent and casting all anxiety on Him, and part of that is just realizing that that is not only available to me but that He wants me to.  I guess that is the hard part to reckon, the limitless love.
5) I am a weird thinker.
I don't quite know how to qualify that in any other way.  This is not something new for me but sometimes I forget it.  I don't think in straight lines, and I don't think to myself often- I think in hyper fits of random bits to be placed into various places in the puzzle of what I'm trying to figure out, and I think in conversation to other people specific to the line of thought I'm having at the time.  As far as the puzzle piece thing, the activity that has lately exposed this has been writing outlines.  I have always said that I hate outlines, and this is why.  I can easily get the main points to talk about and sequence them well, but if you could see the process in which I fill in all of the details, you would laugh.  I type something, then jump to a specific point I want to make somewhere else, and then go back to a semi-large topic and break it down into three points, and then go and add another main point because I can make a stronger argument.... It's a little ridiculous, and maybe I'm not alone in this process, but I feel like the point of an outline is to get you to think organized, and I can't do it that way.  I think this is why I fit in with theater so well- it's not like you learn the show from beginning to end, things change and transform, and so not only quick thinking but also pulling from one place to give to another is inherent. My music rehearsals are full of me just being all kinds of crazy, but it's the effective kind of crazy that gets the job done.
EDIT:  As I posted this to Facebook, I identified another piece of identity- I am a writer!  Totally and thoroughly I am.  I feel I communicate best this way.  Once upon a time I used to hand write epic notes and letters to people.  I had a couple of online journals that no longer exist, and I have notebooks of various and sundry things.  With the presence of technology I know utilize blogs (clearly) but also Stickies, Notes, Reminders.... so yeah.  I am definitely a writer.

I look at all this and go, OK God, this is how you made me, so..... what now?  My hope with all this introspection is to discover what it is God has next in store for me.  I am also learning that a person is less food-pyramid and more complex Venn diagram (I would attempt to depict this but I am on the iPad so I don't have all my usual tools at my disposal.  Maybe when I get back).
Anyway, if you have never taken the time to look at what gifts God has given you and what personality traits He etched into your DNA, I would say it is worth it.  I'm still doing it, and there will probably be more posts like this, since this is where my personal energy is being used at this season of life.  And now that I have a handle on my classes, I should have some time to write some more topical things (as I have many things that have happened lately to which I desire to respond).

At the end of the day, my current motivation is this- "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!" Lamentations 3:40

4/28/2015

A lesson on worship from a child's perspective

I was reminded of a story I need to set down.  Last week, in one of my second grade classes, I had a problem with one student telling another "You're supposed to sing AND dance, not just dance" while we were doing a worship song.  Unfortunately his tone was very demanding and also he was interrupting class for everyone, so I called him out.  Today, the same student made a similar comment (but I guess thought he would get away with it if he just made it a general comment rather than getting in someone's face in particular) and said "I HATE it when people don't sing AND dance!!"

And so I pulled him aside.

I sat him down at a table near the wall.  After I set another song on for the students, and came over to him and asked him a few questions.  "Are you the teacher?"  No.  "Are you supposed to decide how other people act?"  No.  "Why are you interrupting class with mean comments then?"  Tears, and anger.  They're not doing what they're supposed to do.  "Oh, they aren't?  Did I say anything to them?  Did I tell them they were wrong?"  No.  "Why do you think that is?"  Silence.  "When we worship together, the only wrong thing is to not participate.  Were they participating?"  But some of them weren't singing, they were just dancing!  "Ok. . . but who gets to decide if that's right or not?"  Silence.  "Ok. . . so here's paper- I want you to come up with two reasons why it is OK for people to dance to a song but not sing along with it."

I left him alone for a couple minutes, did another activity, and then swept by to see what he had written.

It is NOT ok for them to dance and not sing.

As soon as I walked by, he scribbled it out.  He was still fuming.

I got the kids started on another activity, and then I pulled out my iPad and brought up two Scriptures:  first from 2 Samuel and second from 1 Corinthians (what's cool is that I was all about the LOOK KING DAVID DANCED STOP COMPLAINING but I knew I needed something else, so thanks Holy Spirit).  "Read this."  As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord.  "OK. . . so how was King David responding to God?"  Dancing.  "Does it say he was singing?"  No.  "Look up here. . .we see there was some singing and music playing, but it doesn't mention dancing.  Do we always have to sing and dance together?"  Silence.  "Ok, read this."  I will pray with my spirit, but I will pray with my mind also; I will sing praise with my spirit, but I will sing with my mind also.   "Do we always have to pray aloud for God to hear us?"  No.  "Ok.  And does this verse say that we should just sing aloud, or that what we are thinking is important too?"  We sing inside and outside.  "I like what you said.  So do you think that some people might just sing inside, and that God can hear them still?"  Silence.  "See, I didn't make these rules up on my own.  I run my classroom by what the Bible says, not just what Mr. Beck decides.  If students are messing around, or if they aren't participating at all, then they get in trouble, don't they?" Nods. "I tell them they are distracting and keeping other people from participating, and that's not fair.  But if they are moving and not singing, or if they are singing and not moving, or if they are doing both, I let them alone, and do you know why?"  Silence.  "Because it is not my job to decide how they worship God best."

I honestly can't say that he got it, but I know he was thinking hard, because he changed from angry and hurt to receptive and, well, after scribbling out the first comment, this is what he wrote:

I know now it is OK if they only want to sing or to dance.  But I'm singing and dancing.

You just can't make that stuff up.  I think there is a grand lesson for all of us in this.

4/27/2015

I can't bring myself to title this the way I want to. . .

. . . because a) I think it should be a dead issue and b) maybe it is?  A Google search of the phrase brought up articles written in the past few years (and Bing brought up some ancient articles from the late 90's but also auto-filled to add the word "Baptist" as I typed which made me cringe and laugh at the same time), maybe it's not relevant anymore, but if it has meaning to you, then maybe the Ghost-verbalized statement of the preacher talking this evening will help shed some light.

Because what I wanted to put in the title was "Worship Wars."  *cue lightning, thunder, The Price Is Right sound effect*

I've heard the term thrown around, it's a very church-ese thing, but I think it was a bigger deal while I was a kid and wasn't really going on in my particular view of the world.  Anyway, the statement made tonight, whether intentional or not, was fantastically simple and potentially perspective-changing.

He said that worship wars are a personal internal problem.

I doubt he meant Worship Wars (I almost said WORSHIP worship wars, because in English, when we repeat a word it gets a different meaning, right?  "Their baby is so cute!"  "Yeah, it's still a BABY baby." . . . anyway).  Regardless, the real war of worship is something fought within each of us individually; will we worship God, or will we worship something else?

Like. . . I am all about wanting things to be black and white but having to explore to really get a full idea.  But what more attitude do you need to see in this?  What is our priority?  Also, most importantly, it's not about music- it's about our hearts.

I'm sure I have more to say but I am tired.  If you want more from my crazy brain go look at this or this or this or even this.

4/24/2015

"God's got someone in mind already"

I finally put my finger on what bugs me about that statement.  "Well, God's already got someone who is perfect for that position that needs to be filled," or its companion statement, "Well, God needed that person to be here for just that time."

I don't disagree with the truth of those statements (if we are to accept God is all powerful and all knowing, here is a little bit of that side, and yet over and over the Bible says that Godly men led by God still have the freedom to choose, which is confusing, but that's not my focus this morning).  It's the sentiment behind it.  It's the shrug-your-shoulders, kick-the-dirt-around-your-feet, I-can't-control-it-so-I'm-just-gonna-endure-it attitude.  If something is moving and shaking, if there are major changes, if someone is brought into a position of leadership or power or suddenly removed, if life is going one way and then takes a huge U-turn, then God is doing something and our obligation is to respond and change something about ourselves.

I mean, isn't that the story of the entire Old Testament?  God does something, Israelites turn to God, Israelites get distracted, God does something to regain their focus, Israelites turn to God again, they get distracted again. . .  it seems inevitable.  But at some point the Israelites stopped turning to God, so He started to do bigger things. He eventually split their nation, sent them into exile, and nearly wiped them out; they were saved only because God in His perfect mercy had promised it.

So when people say things like what I wrote above, and then walk away without a fire under them, I am confused.  But it's not what they are saying that is wrong; it's how they are responding.  And by they I definitely mean ME as well.

A big change is an opportunity for us to refocus our hearts on God, to check our priorities and our habits and see what things have slipped away, what idols we've brought back into our homes and what unclean influences we've stitched back into the fabric of our lives.  It's a time to seek God more than ever, to search diligently and be sure that we are in line with God's will and not our own.  We forget that the Israelites asked God for a king, and God didn't want them to have a king.  And look how that turned out. . . . . AND, if God knew that David would be a better king (and he certainly wasn't perfect either!) then why bother with Saul?  Is it possible that the "someone who is perfect for the position" is perfectly in a position to fail the people of God?

Because that's the other premise that lacks validity in the title statement.  We assume success!!  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" is a statement about persecution against the church, not within it!  Paul's letters to the various churches growing in his time encouraged them to continue to grow closer and closer with Christ, to get rid of the sin problems, to challenge false teachers. . . essentially, to build God's people.  Even when he talks about logistical things, like collecting money to help those in need, his focus was not on the process of giving but on the hearts of the givers!
Anyway, the real tragedy is we assume success without analyzing why the change is happening.  Some changes are within our control, some aren't, but regardless, how boastful are we to say that the person God brings us is to take us to the next level!  Or. . . perhaps we just don't realize that when we say "the next level" that does not mean human success. . . maybe it's a way to get rid of spiritual decay. . . but no matter the end result, if at the end of the day we are not seeking Christ in our life circumstance and in the changing circumstance(s) around us, then, regardless of what God does or who God chooses, we have missed the boat.

I don't know.  I'm babbling.  The point I'm trying to make is statements of "faith" in God's plan that don't result in individual action are not worth much.

4/07/2015

Ebb and flow

I was sitting along the Halifax River near the Daytona Playhouse before our brush-up Thursday for our final weekend of performances, pretty well emotionally shot from the week and just missing Cam and wanting to have her back so that I could enjoy our companionship.  She always said that she could feel God in the wind- for me I can hear him in the water.  And so there I was, pretty well depressed out of my mind (yeah I know, Christians aren't supposed to be depressed, right?) just watching the water, and I noticed something.  The water as a whole was traveling in waves towards the shore where I was seated, but there were reflective ripples that were traveling in the opposite direction.  In looking at it, it seems as though those ripples were moving on top of the natural tide, not under it or through it.  And ultimately the water just kept moving towards the shore, and the ripples were eventually borne back to the course of the water underneath.
I thought it made a good analogy of how God works maybe.  It's like our lives are the ripples, we move in different directions and sometimes we are influenced by other ripples (which some of those ripples complement and make the effect stronger, sometimes they counteract and decrease the effect), sometimes we crash into rocks and end up going in a different direction.  But you know what?  The tide goes "through" the rocks.  I took a video, it's very poor quality since I have an ancient phone, but maybe you can see it too:


So the point I'm trying to make is this- God is constantly moving in the undercurrent of our lives.  Regardless of the rocks, the fish, the bugs, the walls, we are to continue to reflect His work in our lives.  And even when it doesn't feel like He's there, he definitely is, flowing underneath everything and continuing to make His purpose, sometimes with us and sometimes in spite of us.

3/13/2015

Quick thought on the meaning of life

You know, a nice shallow subject on a Friday night.

I've really been struggling with what it is that I am supposed to do with my life at the moment.  So the place to look for encouragement is Ecclesiastes, right?  If you have 20 minutes, I'd take the time and read through the whole book.  I've listed some particular verses that stuck out to me just now, and may offer a few comments.

All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. 1:8

For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow. 1:18
There is so much truth in this statement for my life in the past couple of months.  There is certainly something to be said for remaining naive to how the world works, be it in sickness, death, pain, loss, disappointment. . . the more you know does not mean you will be a happier person.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 3:11
I am so thankful for this.  If this were the end, I would be done.  I don't know what heaven is like, but I know my task here is to do God's work and make disciples for him.

I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away. 3:14-15
At least I don't have to rely on just me.  I'd be doomed.

And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun. 4:2-3

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 4:9-12

Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart. 5:18-20

Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this. 7:10
The question "How did I get here from there?" has been pestering me.  It's an empty pursuit.

Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.  Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. 7:20-22
This is hard, especially when there are people you look up to and you forget that they are people, they are fallible.  On the other side, it makes you think about how much you've failed other people and missed opportunities to defend rather than go with the audience on a matter.

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.  Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.  Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going. 9:7-10

He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap.  11:4
Don't let circumstances keep you from working.

So Solomon's last statement is the charge against being idle, and is the best life advice:
The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil. 12:12-14

Fear God and keep His commandments. . . it's always troublesome when a few words carry so much weight.  It makes perfect sense- God knows everything anyway, He knows how it is going to turn out, so why do we let ourselves by paralyzed?  What do we really have to fear?

3/05/2015

relativism. woof

"Fascinating stuff. I try to remain equal parts inquisitive and open as well as skeptical. Just try to take everything in and form my own opinion as to what seems right 'to me'. What we believe about life is all personal perspective anyway, right?"


I read this on Facebook a couple weeks ago.

Woof.

It was attached to a post from a website called "Truth Theory: Keep Your Mind Open."  The article and corresponding videos were all theories about life, ranging from our interconnectedness to the earth as a living organism to the collective integration of the "Global Consciousness."

Again I will say: woof.

But how many people are out there with this attitude?  "Prove it to me."  "What's good for you is good for you and what's good for me is good for me."  "Well, from the way I see it. . ."

What's interesting is the paradox of the belief that there are no absolutes in the world (which, in and of itself is an absolute).  So, based on that line of thinking alone, we have to accept the presence of absolutes of some kind.

Also, if you don't want to go psychologically, then let's go more basic physics, because if you drop something from your hand, it will absolutely fall towards the ground.  Sorry, gravity is an absolute.  What's interesting about gravity is while it is observable and recordable, there's still no explanation of why.  Seriously, check out wikipedia- I know it's not always looked kindly upon as a source of reputable information but holy cow guys we still don't know why gravity is.

Or maybe we do.

Colossians 1:17- And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Really the whole passage is great.  But I want to just focus on one phrase- "all things hold together."  The Greek word ÏƒÏ…νέστηκεν is translated  "to cohere."


You guys. Scientists are studying coherence in gravity.  Google it and you'll see more results.


Hebrews 1:1-3a- Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. 

John 1:1-5- In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.


Gravity is contained within the words of Jesus.  Depending on what theory you believe, I'd like to imagine that Jesus breathed out gravitons (if gravity indeed uses particles).


So basically, gravity is Jesus-breath.


. . . I'm not really sure how I got here but my point is this: there are absolutes to be found.  And God has revealed Himself to us.  

3/01/2015

Waiting for the Lord

I feel a little scattered today- I think it's the congestion/sickness.  I don't think the writing will be quite as eloquent as I usually try to make it, but I don't want to miss this opportunity because any time I put off doing a post I never end up actually doing it the way I intend to.


Language is so fascinating, and unfortunately we pass over it so quickly.  There are many different verses with the phrase "waiting on the Lord."  The ones I want to focus on are in the Old Testament, using the Hebrew word "qavah."  Literally the word means "to bind together," as in, to make a rope by bringing many strands together.  Figuratively it is used to mean "to wait eagerly, to hope, to expect."  I know I am in a state of waiting for the Lord in more ways than one in my life.  Several other close colleagues of mine are also in this place.  But does it mean that we need to sit and wait for the Lord to move?  Let's explore three passages:

Isaiah 40:31: But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Lamentations 3:25-27:  The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.

Psalm 25:4-5: Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.  Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.

I see a lot of activity in those verses, even though each of them focuses on waiting.  Isaiah says waiting on the Lord gives us renewed strength, lets us soar, lets us walk or run and not run out of steam!  That's awesome.  So if we use the literal translation, it means that those who bind themselves to God will be empowered.  That's really cool.  If we go more figuratively, it means those that hope and expect the Lord's power will receive it.  Again, really cool.  But I think the clear implication is that upon having God's power, we do something with it.

You know what it doesn't say?  Wait and God will take care of everything.

Lamentations puts the phrase of seeking after God in the same thought as those waiting for him.  Continuing on in the same vein of thought, he says it's good to be quiet as we wait for the Lord's salvation.  I think this is referring to the way that we like to tell God how we want things to be done.  But instead of telling Him what to do, we need to remember it's worthwhile to keep quiet.  Jeremiah spends the first part of chapter 3 complaining about how hard he's had it, and then he interrupts himself with the thought of hope in God.  So, it might mean bearing a difficult situation, but God never said life would be easy nor that our definition of good is His.
Again, I say, the "waiting" in these verses is active.  Seeking God, holding one's tongue, bearing the yoke.  Nothing about sitting around while God works, but us working with the understanding of hope in God (remember what hope is all about anyway).

In Psalm 25, we don't see the waiting until the end, and all the imagery is about paths.  For me, path implies that you are moving.  What's the point of asking God where you are supposed to go if you're just going to stand by and look at it? "Yeah God, that looks cool, but I'm just gonna stand here and stare at it for a while.  Thanks for revealing where I'm supposed to start heading next, I'm gonna wait till you start dragging me along."  I guess.  I don't know.  I'm sick.
I love what Charles Spurgeon has to say about Psalm 25: "Patience is the fair handmaid and daughter of faith; we cheerfully wait when we are certain that we shall not wait in vain. It is our duty and our privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in worship, in expectancy, in trust all the days of our life. Our faith will be tried faith, and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding. We shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how graciously he once waited for us."


There's one other little point, but if we're going to analyze words, let's also analyze phrases.  The translation is typically "wait for" and not "wait on."  I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.  We wait on doctors to call us back, we wait on people who are late, we wait on food and drinks to be brought to our table at a restaurant.  That's a very passive activity (as long as you don't ask a waiter! hah).  On the other side, we wait for Christmas morning, and we prepare for it by getting and wrapping gifts and singing songs and such.  We wait for the end of the work day, diligently accomplishing our daily tasks until it is time to clock out.  We wait for the weather to change so we can go outside, but we typically fill our day with an alternate activity.  Waiting for is active.  It's anticipating a change.

So, what are you doing?  Are you sitting and waiting on it to happen, or are you waiting for it while continuing to move in the direction you are led?

2/27/2015

Deception and DNOW

There is a picture that has stirred quite a debate on the internet.

Yes, world, I am finally attempting cultural relevance beyond a hashtag.

What I find fascinating is that even though there are clearly objective measures that the dress is black and blue (both because it is a dress that you can buy online and because Adobe is magic and can tell us the color of things), there are still people debating on what color it is.  The truth is there, and depending on your internet speed, very quickly found, but people are more apt to believe what they see rather than seek out the truth.

That is very much what this past weekend's messages were about.

Disciple NOW at Stetson was an eye-opening weekend for me, to say the least.  The band that came out of Orlando (Become Ministry) did a great job leading the kids and adults in seeking God through song, and they also went out of their way to connect with the students.  Super super awesome.  The speaker (Harris III) used illusions to help show Biblical truths.  I took a lot out of the weekend, but the messages that struck me the most were the ones about identity.

You see, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.  But there were so many moments this weekend that struck me directly between the eyes, particularly with the specific language used.  I am at a huge crossroads in my life.  I have the opportunity to make intentional choices for Christ as I reattach my identity.  I am not convinced that I am meant to continue to just do the same thing I've "always" done (because, you know, by the time you're 26 you've already figured the recipe for your life).  God has gifted me greatly, and I am meant to use those gifts to influence the community around me.  But what is God's dream for my life?

The last year and a half of my life was pretty well defined by taking care of a sick person.  And I can say it was absolutely my calling for that time.   But now I've been wrestling with the whole "God taught me how to love through her, and now it's time to love HIM like that" for the past 3 weeks now.  And then this past weekend to hear about the opportunity for a new identity, knowing that right now a good chunk of who I made myself be is gone.  I've had to be this other me, this old guy who buys houses and drives to doctor's appointments and separates out pills, who goes and makes the money and makes sure everything is set for security, who is trapped in a routine of life that isn't bad, but it isn't really life.  And a great fear, of losing Cam, came true.  But the bigger fear, and the thing that was slowly happening, was losing myself in her.  I was called to love her, but not more than I love God.  I didn't do a good job of that.  But now I have a second chance. Again.

So I'm seeking out what's next for me.  I have taken some steps in a particular direction (and some people would call me crazy) but until I have some more details I will refrain from saying too much.  But there is a place for me to be a living sacrifice.  The other truth is that sometimes I feel like we put so much emphasis on "Is this where I'm supposed to be?" rather than "What am I supposed to do while I am here?" and so I've got to avoid that trap.  I'm here for now, and I can see where I can be more like Christ in my sphere of influence.

I've never really asked God to lead me like this before.  Opportunities presented themselves, and I've taken them.  I can easily see now that God was in control of them.  But I believe He is asking me to start seeking.  To open my mind to the endless possibilities that are in the world.  There are so many places to serve and people that need Christ, and no one person can do it all.  So what is it that  I am supposed to do?

Well. . . stay tuned. :)

2/24/2015

God's Not Dead

After teaching four-year old students worship songs, I am convinced we are designed to worship. I don’t know if it’s mimicry in them seeing me as I teach and sing the song, but there was one particularly cute kid today that, if all you did was look at his face, you knew he was singing about something greater than himself. I don’t know how to explain it. But when you see something authentic, that’s something special. I tried to record him with my phone but by the time I got it out the song was almost over. Also my phone’s camera is super super not awesome. 


Anyway.

The songs I’ve been teaching my kids since I returned to work have been ministering to me. I got this musical sample packet that has some more contemporary yet common worship songs, and the arrangements are pretty fresh sounding (for elementary kids anyway) so I thought I would use those songs, since they are on the radio and many of the kids recognized them when I played them.

But man. The lyrics. Thank you God.


Let hope arise and make the darkness hide. My faith is week, I need a resurrection.

Let Heaven roar and fire fall. Come, shake the ground with the sound of revival! 


My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive. AND He’s living on the inside!

In this time of desperation, when all we know is doubt and fear, there is only ONE foundation.

Let our faith be more than anthems, greater than the songs we sing.

In the here and now, let love invade.

And the gates of hell will not prevail for the power of God has torn the veil.

We KNOW Your love will never fail. We believe!

Higher than the mountains that I face. Stronger than the power of the grave.

CONSTANT in the trial and the change.

My debt is paid; there’s nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love!

Your love never fails, it never gives up. It never runs out on me!


So much great truth in those words.

Still going to post about DNOW weekend.  Maybe tonight if I'm still an insomniac after rehearsal.

2/21/2015

Grieving: A Biblical View

I haven't written here in a long, long time. And a lot has gone on. For those that may be reading this and not know what's going on, the briefest of reviews: I married the love of my life a little over a year ago as she battled cancer for the second time. She got a bone marrow transplant last May which unfortunately led to an infection this past January that took her life on February 2nd.

I will preface the rest of this post by saying: I don't have it all together.  I've been angry, confused, sad, detached, and there's no rhyme or reason, and just when I think I have figured out the "cycle" of emotions something else happens.  But this morning there was inspiration, so I grabbed it and this is what came of it.

In having conversations with the various people in my life, there is one Scripture that I have held on to in the back of my head:
 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.  (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18) 

There is an important word right at the beginning; it says that we don't grieve like those without hope. But what is hope? How do we get it? Well, hope in the Godly sense is this: the certainty of the fulfillment of God's promises. That statement in and of itself is worth exploring, but for now I'll just leave this reference from Romans 8-
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 
Our hope is that this world is not the end all, and that God is reaching out to us, showing us His love, wanting us to accept our imperfection and realize we can't be good enough or do enough and that we need the blood of Christ to be seen as righteous so that God will accept us (based on Christ and not ourselves) so that we will spend our time on earth living a life filled instead of a life empty and that, when we reach the end of life or eternity comes that we will spend it with God.

But where does hope come from? This is what I've been researching this morning. And this is what I have found: Joy and peace (fruit of the Spirit) precede hope (which, if you didn't click on the link, hope is not on that list of Spiritual fruit).

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured our his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:1-5 

(Also, just good stuff: In the future we will become but until then we must overcome. This means we will experience difficulties that help us grow. We rejoice in suffering not because we like pain or deny its tragedy, but because we know God is using life's difficulties and Satan's attacks to build our character. The problems that we run into will develop our perseverance- which in turn will strengthen our character, deepen our trust in God, and give us greater confidence about the future. -Study Bible footnote)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Meyer says joy is "the consciousness of the divine love, and thereby the certainty of blessedness, the triumph over all sufferings, etc." And in speaking of rejoicing from Phillipians 4:4- "Paul desires joyfulness at all times on the part of the believer, to whom even tribulation is grace (Php 1:7; Php 1:29) and glory (Romans 5:3), and in whom the pain of sin is overcome by the certainty of atonement (Romans 8:1); to whom everything must serve for good (Romans 8:28; 1 Corinthians 3:21 f.), and nothing can separate him from the love of God (Rom. 8:38)."

The recipe for peace is outlined well in Phil. 4:4-7- "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Rejoice. Be gentle.  Keep from worry.  Pray about everything with thankfulness.  It's a straightforward list but not necessarily easy to do.

So, hope is something to be obtained; God does not fill us with hope until we recognize AND respond to both His love (whose response is joy) and His sovereignty (whose response is peace) that is woven into each and every circumstance. Hope comes from the developing character of Christ in us as we stand with God's peace and endure with joy the trials given us.

This is what I am striving towards.  With God's grace, the work of the Holy Spirit, and the love and support of those around me, I seek hope.

1/03/2015

Day 2

So technically this is a little late.  Struggling with how to exact changes in life, but it's hard when you are still in "vacation mode" so let's blame it on that and set Sunday as the goal for the real new start.

1/01/2015

2015

So. . . here we are.  2015.  A new year, a new start.  I'm pretty exhausted (we just got back from the ranch. . . so many details to come) but I want to start doing this again for accountability.  Call it a resolution if you want.
But seriously, sleeeeeeeeepy time.