I promise it was much more eloquent than that, but I want to get to the meat of my purpose in writing today.
I have spent the past few months determining who it is that God has made me. And while I do not yet have a complete picture, I have discovered some things (and had some revelations about things I already knew about myself). So, in no particular order:
1) I am an artist.
Many of you see that and go, "Duh!" But hear me out. Even in college, I always thought of myself as a little odd from the average musician. And I would usually say first that I am a musician or and accompanist before I would say I am an artist. But what I have realized is that piano is a means of expressing my artistic nature. After all, I am also a thespian, and playing for shows is really a niche I fit into well. Seeing myself as an artist makes some choices I make have true meaning- I have always put priority into being involved in productions, I say "no" to opportunities that are creatively toxic (even if there are good people involved or a particular show I'd like to do), I jump at opportunities to try something new or different, I don't just play piano but sing or play drums or even handbells! So yes, being a musician is a part of me, but it's a part of my being an artist. And like any artist, I can be offended when my art, not my ability, is questioned, or when someone gets in the way of expression. It's just a different way of seeing how I tick, for me at least.
2) I am an analyst.
No surprise here, but I really do tend to analyze everything. Is this process efficient? Does that word really mean what he said it means? What's the origin story of _______? I analyze music, theater, movies, preaching, books, in nearly all things constantly seeking out the truth as well as the possibility contained therein.
3) I am a sharer.
I think this is really where my enjoyment of teaching comes in. I don't think we see teachers as sharing, but ultimately that is what we are doing, sharing knowledge and experiences. And this is partially why I enjoy community theater so much- you share your lives for months in a rehearsal process, I get to share music, and we all get to share telling a story. Church functions similarly, or should anyway. On the flip side of this coin, I don't really think of myself as a teacher. That may be in part to the red-tape ultra-accountable nature of teaching today, but truly for me it goes deeper than that. At the end of the day my goal is exposure and expansion to those whom I share with; I am not as concerned with achievement as I am with a heightened sense of awareness and broader view of the world. And again, maybe it isn't fair for me to say that a "teacher" is more concerned with achievement, but looking back at the last 6 years that is really what a lot of the focus and conversation is about. Blame the system (perhaps- I mean, don't I want my teachers to care about my achieving well? But alas, this is not the time for a discussion of educational philosophy).
4) I am a child of God.
Again, nothing new, except for a heightened sense of God carrying me through a lot of things. I am still learning to completely trust. I am learning to what extent God provides for me and the ways in which, whether observed or unobserved, God cares about the details. I don't feel like I have done a great job in being completely dependent and casting all anxiety on Him, and part of that is just realizing that that is not only available to me but that He wants me to. I guess that is the hard part to reckon, the limitless love.
5) I am a weird thinker.
I don't quite know how to qualify that in any other way. This is not something new for me but sometimes I forget it. I don't think in straight lines, and I don't think to myself often- I think in hyper fits of random bits to be placed into various places in the puzzle of what I'm trying to figure out, and I think in conversation to other people specific to the line of thought I'm having at the time. As far as the puzzle piece thing, the activity that has lately exposed this has been writing outlines. I have always said that I hate outlines, and this is why. I can easily get the main points to talk about and sequence them well, but if you could see the process in which I fill in all of the details, you would laugh. I type something, then jump to a specific point I want to make somewhere else, and then go back to a semi-large topic and break it down into three points, and then go and add another main point because I can make a stronger argument.... It's a little ridiculous, and maybe I'm not alone in this process, but I feel like the point of an outline is to get you to think organized, and I can't do it that way. I think this is why I fit in with theater so well- it's not like you learn the show from beginning to end, things change and transform, and so not only quick thinking but also pulling from one place to give to another is inherent. My music rehearsals are full of me just being all kinds of crazy, but it's the effective kind of crazy that gets the job done.
EDIT: As I posted this to Facebook, I identified another piece of identity- I am a writer! Totally and thoroughly I am. I feel I communicate best this way. Once upon a time I used to hand write epic notes and letters to people. I had a couple of online journals that no longer exist, and I have notebooks of various and sundry things. With the presence of technology I know utilize blogs (clearly) but also Stickies, Notes, Reminders.... so yeah. I am definitely a writer.
I look at all this and go, OK God, this is how you made me, so..... what now? My hope with all this introspection is to discover what it is God has next in store for me. I am also learning that a person is less food-pyramid and more complex Venn diagram (I would attempt to depict this but I am on the iPad so I don't have all my usual tools at my disposal. Maybe when I get back).
Anyway, if you have never taken the time to look at what gifts God has given you and what personality traits He etched into your DNA, I would say it is worth it. I'm still doing it, and there will probably be more posts like this, since this is where my personal energy is being used at this season of life. And now that I have a handle on my classes, I should have some time to write some more topical things (as I have many things that have happened lately to which I desire to respond).
At the end of the day, my current motivation is this- "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!" Lamentations 3:40
No comments:
Post a Comment