Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes and focus

Every so often (6 to 8 months, probably? It all depends on how busy I get), I reach a point of emotional critical mass, and then something has to give. The biggest problem is that I usually keep people from knowing anything is going on, because the types of things that weigh me down never really seem to be worth all the huff I feel like I'm emitting. So, either I A)have a complete meltdown, which is cleansing and resets me so I can keep going again and start chipping away at the stuff that is stressing me out, or B)work feverishly at getting rid of all the things that are weighing me down and causing the emotional mass, thus bypassing the need for a meltdown. In this case, I went with option B. So, here are all the things I got done today:
-Completed the ESOL course (which had to be done by Saturday, and since I have something every night for the rest of the week because of homecoming (volleyball, church, prowl, and football), I HAD to have it done today)
-Purged the apartment, and when I say purged, I mean threw out 3 garbage bags and a huge box full of junk and garbage. I also put all my movies and books on my shelves and fixed my dresser drawers so that they would all shut correctly.
-Wrote letters to my Compassion child and our SS class' World Vision child, both of which were LONG overdue.
-Bought somewhat healthy food (and at least now I have food in the apartment again; no more ordering pizza)
-Went for a run

The biggest thing was cleaning the apartment. It started when I went to MI this summer- it wasn't very clean then because BATB had just ended, and when I got back I never unpacked because I immediately jumped into a workshop, Homeland, and VBS. And then summer never really slowed down, and all of the sudden school was starting, and my apartment was getting worse and worse. I thought that maybe the reintroduction of a stable schedule would help motivate me to get stuff done, but it actually got worse. And in the last two weeks, I've just felt somewhat beaten down, and unfortunately I have been letting some bad habits creep slowly back into my life.

But no more! With the release of the critical mass, I am in full Life Improvement mode. I'm going to be more thoughtful in planning ahead with my teaching, regardless of how well I know (or think I know) the curriculum already. I am going to stop making poor food choices, regardless of how tired I feel and how much I don't want to get up and make something for myself. I'm going to start exercising regularly again (current plan being that I go for a run three times a week: M/T, H/F, S/Sn, ideally MHS or TFSn so that I don't go too few or too many days between running, at least until I get back into shape. But with my ever changing schedule, I don't want to schedule specific days and then end up not going because something comes up. So, a flexible three times a week seems reasonable). I'm also going to read a little bit of the Bible after exercising (the theory here is that, for whatever reason, on my busiest days I always find time to get into the Word, but on days where I have oodles of time, I end up filling it with other stuff and hit the pillow without ever opening my Bible. The days I will run are likely to be days I have more free time. Therefore, I will have a higher level of accountability). I need to stop loving the world and start abiding in Him. We'll see what happens when I pit my Awesome Plans against Real Life.

Most importantly though, I need to stop running myself into brick walls and start realizing how many people I have around me that really do care. And I need to stop acting like this life is the whole story and the difficulties I face I face alone, because neither of those is true.

Which brings me to my next point.

The best way I can describe the past couple weeks is "unfocused." Generally I am a pretty focused person- give me a task and I will take care of it to the best of my ability and in a timely manner. I have goals in mind for myself, and very seldom do I fail to follow through with whatever it is that I'm doing (barring unforeseen circumstances or God-appointed failures necessary to teach me something (landing a job is the best example of that in my life)). I don't let things get in my way, and while I am usually somewhat particular (OK: VERY particular) in how I get things done, I think it is that particularity that allows me to get so much done and usually do a decent job. The past two weeks I feel like I have done NOTHING, and anything that I have accomplished has been like pulling teeth. This is generally a sign of that critical mass thing, and as much as I try to ignore it, it just gets worse and worse.

But now I am on the other side. So here's the question: what could I have done to avoid all this? I think the answer lies in that "focus" idea. I think my biggest problems come when I start focusing on myself, my needs, my feelings, my tasks, my problems, and stop focusing that it is all created by Him, controlled by Him, and ultimately will be used for His glory. And as soon as I cut myself from the Lifeline, pandemonium ensues. And no matter how much "church" I try to do to make it come back, nothing will happen until I start to privately reconnect myself to God in an authentic way rather than an obligatory or rote way. I have to learn to be able to praise Him in ALL circumstances, and stop trying to get Him to fill what I think are my needs and instead just learn to trust and rely that He knows exactly what I need (since, you know, He created me and all).

So, let's refocus. Simple enough, right?

"That you may walk worthily of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God." Col. 1:10