the state of my apartment

Well. . . it's been a while since I've written anything of worth (February, in fact). And that sounds about right. You, as the reader, are privy only to this side of things. Let me attempt to explain the past few months (well, most of 2011 up to now- Producers followed by Into the Woods Jr. followed by Little Shop followed by Peter Pan. . . and of course school and life and three weddings and teaching a couple camps on top of those shows. . . that'll do it) via analogy.

The state of my apartment is very telling as to how things are going in my life. Of course when I am very busy it inevitably will be messier than when I'm somewhat less busy, but I honestly never go for more than a couple weeks without some kind of free time to be able to clean up my messes. No, the state of the apartment is always a direct reflection of the state of my mind and heart. A few weeks ago I washed 16 plates. SIXTEEN. Why bring that up? Well, I live by myself, and I can't tell you the last time I've cooked for myself, which means most of those plates were probably used more than once (either a sandwich or something not particularly messy was eaten off of it). My guess is that that was a month's worth of not washing dishes. My suitcase from when I visited Michigan in July? It has been sitting open and half-emptied in front of my loveseat (which has been covered with FOUR different "production bags"- reusable shopping bags filled with music, scripts, ibuprofen, stress balls, multivitamins, knives (for the inevitable peanut butter sandwiches), chip clips, pens and pencils. . . yeah). I think the last time I was able to use my loveseat was during Peter Pan auditions. . . and I can't tell you the last time I saw my kitchen counter.
Unfortunately, I haven't just been living as a slob in my apartment. I've been living as a slob spiritually. Prayers left unsaid. Readings pushed to the side. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Pretending not to know better, and wondering why things aren't working out (not that those have to be related anyway!). Ignoring the obvious calls. Trying to take control of every situation instead of giving over the hard stuff. Forgetting it's also not my job to take over the easy stuff.

I've realized what a terrible example of Christ I have been setting for the people I have been interacting with, and that's what hurts the most.

Dan's sermon last Sunday (9/4) was the beginning of a series on stewardship. Although the focus that morning was about money, I couldn't help but apply the idea of being God's steward here on Earth to some of the new people I've met and the places I spend a lot of my time (. . . "my" time). I've been wrestling the past few weeks of how to jump start myself back onto the path.

So I purged.

But it wasn't a normal purge (for those who don't know, I call cleaning my apartment "purging" because of its relationship to my emotional state. See here). Usually it's in a state of frenzied I-have-to-get-this-done-so-I-can-move-on-with-life. Not this time. I made a commitment to God that I would clean the apartment before the weekend was over. And I just sucked it up and did it. And my goodness did it need help. I've been doing emergency laundry for a while and just leaving it on top of the washer/dryer, picking through it as needed. My dishwasher doesn't work well, but I use it as a drying rack. Who knows the last time I emptied it- again, I would just pull stuff from there as needed. I already mentioned the suitcase and production bags. And there was just trash wherever, mostly by the recliner and on the counter.
Well, a few hours later, my apartment is back to a state of normalcy. I didn't get into the fine details (mopping the kitchen, cleaning the shower and sinks, etc, but that's partially due to lack of some cleaning supplies that I need to restock), but I must say that I feel MUCH better.

I'm hoping this will be a season of renewal for me. God is providing too much for me to start being selfish and worried about worldly things. I'm hoping to write more often, but after two unfinished book projects and basically 6 months off, I am smart enough at this point to make no formal commitment. I don't know what's next, but I do know that I have felt better in the past few days than I have in far too long. I'm gaining peace and a sense of focus back into my life.

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of His holy people in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:9-14