Where is life going?

I don't know about you, but that's a question that I find that I ask myself often these days.  For me lately there's been a series of changes, some that I have been in control of and some that I have not, so inherently in any time of transition there is going to be some change and potential turmoil.  Six months ago I would never have imagined that this is where I would be.  Actually, three weeks ago I would not have imagined I would be where I am at right now.
(And someday soon, I'll stop writing so much about myself and instead reflect on the things I am observing!  I think that is far more interesting material anyway)

So where am I?

I have joined up with a new church plant (thegracelifechurch.org) and am leading music; this will be my second Sunday this weekend.
I have an audition for an accompanist position at Jacksonville University next week; I am playing for the choral director and piano professor as well as the head of the music department.
I am moving out of my house.
I am just starting up the rehearsal process for another musical (and one "full" rehearsal in I can tell that I have a great cast, which is good because the music is wicked hard).

The only non-surprise on the list is the last one, and the wonderful surprise there is the awesome cast.  I may have said this before, but there is something the Church could learn from community theater- in this case, we have 14 "random" people from all different walks of life, backgrounds, ancestry, and yet we unite to one goal and work and build each other up together.  There's no competition, there's no back-biting, because those things affect the final product otherwise.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's never drama in a cast.  But I have rarely walked away from a production with a bad taste in my mouth, and typically it stems from some form of unprofessional action (and honestly. . . in six years of being in Florida, I've only had three bad situations out of probably 20 MD gigs and 12 keys gigs; I feel like that is a good ratio, considering the nature of performance art).

. . . . sorry for that bird walk, I was just updating my musical theater resume.  Anyway. . .

If I move down the list I just made, there is one common denominator in all of them: prayer.

In the case of the church plant, I was not necessarily seeking a "church gig" (I hate that thought as it is- that's a topic for a different day).  I saw an e-mail that a place had an immediate need, and as I am transitioning my life anyway I figured it couldn't hurt to respond and at the very least help the Body out in a time of need.  It is strangely humbling to be an answer to prayer.  I met with their pastor and ended up being able to hang out with a life group that evening as well, and I fit in very comfortably, which is always a good sign.  The coolest part about last Sunday was hearing a congregation of essentially strangers raise their voices in praise.  Like, I can't even begin to describe how encouraging that was, especially after what turned into a bit of a hectic set-up before the service.  I never imagined a) being involved with a church plant nor b) feeling that welcome.  There is definitely some great God stuff going on there, and I am excited to see what happens.  The other very odd thing about this situation is the vision I'm being given.  I am not a vision person; I'm a do-er.  But I hear the words of a dear friend echoed in the plans I am making and the approach I am taking, in that I think what I ultimately have to offer them is someone to lead them into learning to lead themselves in music.  I want to develop a music and media team for them of their people (particularly because I'm not necessarily moving to that area but somewhere about 30-40 minutes away, and I think there is something else for me eventually. . . again, a discussion for another time) and work myself out of a job.  But who knows what will happen?  I'm not naive enough to think that I've got it all figured out and can set the date and timing of it all, and perhaps I will fall greatly in love with their community and become a part of it.  I really have no idea.  But I know I'm supposed to be there now (as a side note and more of the orchestration power of God- there were no other bites to the e-mail that was sent for this position).

In the case of the audition, holy way-more-than-I-expected, Batman.  Being unemployed at the moment, I've been praying fervently for provision.  I sent an e-mail to UNF and JU just saying that I'm a pianist for hire, I have experience accompanying college students, here's my contact info.  All I really expected was a response of "thanks, we'll put your info in our files."  Instead, JU said they might need me and asked if I could come meet with them.  I said sure, and the next thing I know they want me to prepare an instrumental accompaniment as well as be prepared to sightread for three faculty members.  I still have no idea what they need and what kind of job is offered, but I know it's God opening doors.  He is secretly going through my list of things I said I would never do.  I would never teach at a private school, I would never teach elementary kids, and now I will "never" gig full-time.  And yet here we are, looking very seriously at my hands truly being the full-time money makers.  And this will be my first audition since. . . I don't even know.  I guess sometime in college.  Maybe even my college auditions. . . . so you know, 10 years ago.

Clearly, my leaving my house is directly related to the other two things already mentioned.  I began the MA in Bible program through Trinity Baptist College in Jacksonville, which is the original motivation for moving.  And I have had a renter lined up for a while, so that was a piece God took care of (I guess to assuage my transition out of the job and church I've been at for the past three/six years, letting me know I'm headed the right direction and He is still in control).

Now, to finally get to the actual point:

Matthew 6:26-34: "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

This is this lesson that I have been learning for the past three weeks, for the past five and a half months, for the past nearly two years.  I cannot and will not say that I have handled every situation perfectly.  I have had plenty of arguments with God, plenty of anger and tears and doubt and rebellion.  I know those moments are still coming.  But I can also say with 100% confidence that God has not just brought me to the place I am; He is bringing me through it.

James 1:2-4: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I am markedly different now than I was at the beginning of summer.  Whether or not anyone would be able to tell is hard because I disappeared for a few weeks, traveling and seeing family and friends and then more family.  But once I got back from all of that, I started to recognize my lack of ability to control life and my need for dependence on God.

And that's where my life is going- off of my power alone and instead yoked to Christ's power.

Finding myself

So I just lost a significant portion of the post I was writing.  Oy.  A recap: I started online classes for an MA in Bible degree, been doing lots of reading and writing for that and loving it, been traveling a lot, therefore no posts lately.  Currently in the mountains, siblings coming soon, so I'm writing in the calm before the storm.

I promise it was much more eloquent than that, but I want to get to the meat of my purpose in writing today.

I have spent the past few months determining who it is that God has made me.  And while I do not yet have a complete picture, I have discovered some things (and had some revelations about things I already knew about myself).  So, in no particular order:

1) I am an artist.

Many of you see that and go, "Duh!"  But hear me out.  Even in college, I always thought of myself as a little odd from the average musician.  And I would usually say first that I am a musician or and accompanist before I would say I am an artist.  But what I have realized is that piano is a means of expressing my artistic nature.  After all, I am also a thespian, and playing for shows is really a niche I fit into well.  Seeing myself as an artist makes some choices I make have true meaning- I have always put priority into being involved in productions, I say "no" to opportunities that are creatively toxic (even if there are good people involved or a particular show I'd like to do), I jump at opportunities to try something new or different, I don't just play piano but sing or play drums or even handbells!  So yes, being a musician is a part of me, but it's a part of my being an artist.  And like any artist, I can be offended when my art, not my ability, is questioned, or when someone gets in the way of expression.  It's just a different way of seeing how I tick, for me at least.

2) I am an analyst.

No surprise here, but I really do tend to analyze everything.  Is this process efficient?  Does that word really mean what he said it means?  What's the origin story of _______?  I analyze music, theater, movies, preaching, books, in nearly all things constantly seeking out the truth as well as the possibility contained therein.

3) I am a sharer.

I think this is really where my enjoyment of teaching comes in.  I don't think we see teachers as sharing, but ultimately that is what we are doing, sharing knowledge and experiences.  And this is partially why I enjoy community theater so much- you share your lives for months in a rehearsal process, I get to share music, and we all get to share telling a story.  Church functions similarly, or should anyway.  On the flip side of this coin, I don't really think of myself as a teacher.  That may be in part to the red-tape ultra-accountable nature of teaching today, but truly for me it goes deeper than that.  At the end of the day my goal is exposure and expansion to those whom I share with; I am not as concerned with achievement as I am with a heightened sense of awareness and broader view of the world.  And again, maybe it isn't fair for me to say that a "teacher" is more concerned with achievement, but looking back at the last 6 years that is really what a lot of the focus and conversation is about.  Blame the system (perhaps- I mean, don't I want my teachers to care about my achieving well?  But alas, this is not the time for a discussion of educational philosophy).

4) I am a child of God.

Again, nothing new, except for a heightened sense of God carrying me through a lot of things.  I am still learning to completely trust.  I am learning to what extent God provides for me and the ways in which, whether observed or unobserved, God cares about the details.  I don't feel like I have done a great job in being completely dependent and casting all anxiety on Him, and part of that is just realizing that that is not only available to me but that He wants me to.  I guess that is the hard part to reckon, the limitless love.

5) I am a weird thinker.

I don't quite know how to qualify that in any other way.  This is not something new for me but sometimes I forget it.  I don't think in straight lines, and I don't think to myself often- I think in hyper fits of random bits to be placed into various places in the puzzle of what I'm trying to figure out, and I think in conversation to other people specific to the line of thought I'm having at the time.  As far as the puzzle piece thing, the activity that has lately exposed this has been writing outlines.  I have always said that I hate outlines, and this is why.  I can easily get the main points to talk about and sequence them well, but if you could see the process in which I fill in all of the details, you would laugh.  I type something, then jump to a specific point I want to make somewhere else, and then go back to a semi-large topic and break it down into three points, and then go and add another main point because I can make a stronger argument.... It's a little ridiculous, and maybe I'm not alone in this process, but I feel like the point of an outline is to get you to think organized, and I can't do it that way.  I think this is why I fit in with theater so well- it's not like you learn the show from beginning to end, things change and transform, and so not only quick thinking but also pulling from one place to give to another is inherent. My music rehearsals are full of me just being all kinds of crazy, but it's the effective kind of crazy that gets the job done.

EDIT:  As I posted this to Facebook, I identified another piece of identity- I am a writer!  Totally and thoroughly I am.  I feel I communicate best this way.  Once upon a time I used to hand write epic notes and letters to people.  I had a couple of online journals that no longer exist, and I have notebooks of various and sundry things.  With the presence of technology I know utilize blogs (clearly) but also Stickies, Notes, Reminders.... so yeah.  I am definitely a writer.

I look at all this and go, OK God, this is how you made me, so..... what now?  My hope with all this introspection is to discover what it is God has next in store for me.  I am also learning that a person is less food-pyramid and more complex Venn diagram (I would attempt to depict this but I am on the iPad so I don't have all my usual tools at my disposal.  Maybe when I get back).

Anyway, if you have never taken the time to look at what gifts God has given you and what personality traits He etched into your DNA, I would say it is worth it.  I'm still doing it, and there will probably be more posts like this, since this is where my personal energy is being used at this season of life.  And now that I have a handle on my classes, I should have some time to write some more topical things (as I have many things that have happened lately to which I desire to respond).

At the end of the day, my current motivation is this- "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!" Lamentations 3:40

A lesson on worship from a child's perspective

I was reminded of a story I need to set down.  Last week, in one of my second grade classes, I had a problem with one student telling another "You're supposed to sing AND dance, not just dance" while we were doing a worship song.  Unfortunately his tone was very demanding and also he was interrupting class for everyone, so I called him out.  Today, the same student made a similar comment (but I guess thought he would get away with it if he just made it a general comment rather than getting in someone's face in particular) and said "I HATE it when people don't sing AND dance!!"

And so I pulled him aside.

I sat him down at a table near the wall.  After I set another song on for the students, and came over to him and asked him a few questions.  "Are you the teacher?"  No.  "Are you supposed to decide how other people act?"  No.  "Why are you interrupting class with mean comments then?"  Tears, and anger.  They're not doing what they're supposed to do.  "Oh, they aren't?  Did I say anything to them?  Did I tell them they were wrong?"  No.  "Why do you think that is?"  Silence.  "When we worship together, the only wrong thing is to not participate.  Were they participating?"  But some of them weren't singing, they were just dancing!  "Ok. . . but who gets to decide if that's right or not?"  Silence.  "Ok. . . so here's paper- I want you to come up with two reasons why it is OK for people to dance to a song but not sing along with it."

I left him alone for a couple minutes, did another activity, and then swept by to see what he had written.

It is NOT ok for them to dance and not sing.

As soon as I walked by, he scribbled it out.  He was still fuming.

I got the kids started on another activity, and then I pulled out my iPad and brought up two Scriptures:  first from 2 Samuel and second from 1 Corinthians (what's cool is that I was all about the LOOK KING DAVID DANCED STOP COMPLAINING but I knew I needed something else, so thanks Holy Spirit).  "Read this."  As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord.  "OK. . . so how was King David responding to God?"  Dancing.  "Does it say he was singing?"  No.  "Look up here. . .we see there was some singing and music playing, but it doesn't mention dancing.  Do we always have to sing and dance together?"  Silence.  "Ok, read this."  I will pray with my spirit, but I will pray with my mind also; I will sing praise with my spirit, but I will sing with my mind also.   "Do we always have to pray aloud for God to hear us?"  No.  "Ok.  And does this verse say that we should just sing aloud, or that what we are thinking is important too?"  We sing inside and outside.  "I like what you said.  So do you think that some people might just sing inside, and that God can hear them still?"  Silence.  "See, I didn't make these rules up on my own.  I run my classroom by what the Bible says, not just what Mr. Beck decides.  If students are messing around, or if they aren't participating at all, then they get in trouble, don't they?" Nods. "I tell them they are distracting and keeping other people from participating, and that's not fair.  But if they are moving and not singing, or if they are singing and not moving, or if they are doing both, I let them alone, and do you know why?"  Silence.  "Because it is not my job to decide how they worship God best."

I honestly can't say that he got it, but I know he was thinking hard, because he changed from angry and hurt to receptive and, well, after scribbling out the first comment, this is what he wrote:

I know now it is OK if they only want to sing or to dance.  But I'm singing and dancing.

You just can't make that stuff up.  I think there is a grand lesson for all of us in this.

I can't bring myself to title this the way I want to. . .

. . . because a) I think it should be a dead issue and b) maybe it is?  A Google search of the phrase brought up articles written in the past few years (and Bing brought up some ancient articles from the late 90's but also auto-filled to add the word "Baptist" as I typed which made me cringe and laugh at the same time), maybe it's not relevant anymore, but if it has meaning to you, then maybe the Ghost-verbalized statement of the preacher talking this evening will help shed some light.

Because what I wanted to put in the title was "Worship Wars."  *cue lightning, thunder, The Price Is Right sound effect*

I've heard the term thrown around, it's a very church-ese thing, but I think it was a bigger deal while I was a kid and wasn't really going on in my particular view of the world.  Anyway, the statement made tonight, whether intentional or not, was fantastically simple and potentially perspective-changing.

He said that worship wars are a personal internal problem.

I doubt he meant Worship Wars (I almost said WORSHIP worship wars, because in English, when we repeat a word it gets a different meaning, right?  "Their baby is so cute!"  "Yeah, it's still a BABY baby." . . . anyway).  Regardless, the real war of worship is something fought within each of us individually; will we worship God, or will we worship something else?

Like. . . I am all about wanting things to be black and white but having to explore to really get a full idea.  But what more attitude do you need to see in this?  What is our priority?  Also, most importantly, it's not about music- it's about our hearts.

I'm sure I have more to say but I am tired.  If you want more from my crazy brain go look at this or this or this or even this.

"God's got someone in mind already"

I finally put my finger on what bugs me about that statement.  "Well, God's already got someone who is perfect for that position that needs to be filled," or its companion statement, "Well, God needed that person to be here for just that time."

I don't disagree with the truth of those statements (if we are to accept God is all powerful and all knowing, here is a little bit of that side, and yet over and over the Bible says that Godly men led by God still have the freedom to choose, which is confusing, but that's not my focus this morning).  It's the sentiment behind it.  It's the shrug-your-shoulders, kick-the-dirt-around-your-feet, I-can't-control-it-so-I'm-just-gonna-endure-it attitude.  If something is moving and shaking, if there are major changes, if someone is brought into a position of leadership or power or suddenly removed, if life is going one way and then takes a huge U-turn, then God is doing something and our obligation is to respond and change something about ourselves.

I mean, isn't that the story of the entire Old Testament?  God does something, Israelites turn to God, Israelites get distracted, God does something to regain their focus, Israelites turn to God again, they get distracted again. . .  it seems inevitable.  But at some point the Israelites stopped turning to God, so He started to do bigger things. He eventually split their nation, sent them into exile, and nearly wiped them out; they were saved only because God in His perfect mercy had promised it.

So when people say things like what I wrote above, and then walk away without a fire under them, I am confused.  But it's not what they are saying that is wrong; it's how they are responding.  And by they I definitely mean ME as well.

A big change is an opportunity for us to refocus our hearts on God, to check our priorities and our habits and see what things have slipped away, what idols we've brought back into our homes and what unclean influences we've stitched back into the fabric of our lives.  It's a time to seek God more than ever, to search diligently and be sure that we are in line with God's will and not our own.  We forget that the Israelites asked God for a king, and God didn't want them to have a king.  And look how that turned out. . . . . AND, if God knew that David would be a better king (and he certainly wasn't perfect either!) then why bother with Saul?  Is it possible that the "someone who is perfect for the position" is perfectly in a position to fail the people of God?

Because that's the other premise that lacks validity in the title statement.  We assume success!!  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" is a statement about persecution against the church, not within it!  Paul's letters to the various churches growing in his time encouraged them to continue to grow closer and closer with Christ, to get rid of the sin problems, to challenge false teachers. . . essentially, to build God's people.  Even when he talks about logistical things, like collecting money to help those in need, his focus was not on the process of giving but on the hearts of the givers!
Anyway, the real tragedy is we assume success without analyzing why the change is happening.  Some changes are within our control, some aren't, but regardless, how boastful are we to say that the person God brings us is to take us to the next level!  Or. . . perhaps we just don't realize that when we say "the next level" that does not mean human success. . . maybe it's a way to get rid of spiritual decay. . . but no matter the end result, if at the end of the day we are not seeking Christ in our life circumstance and in the changing circumstance(s) around us, then, regardless of what God does or who God chooses, we have missed the boat.

I don't know.  I'm babbling.  The point I'm trying to make is statements of "faith" in God's plan that don't result in individual action are not worth much.

Ebb and flow

I was sitting along the Halifax River near the Daytona Playhouse before our brush-up Thursday for our final weekend of performances, pretty well emotionally shot from the week and just missing Cam and wanting to have her back so that I could enjoy our companionship.  She always said that she could feel God in the wind- for me I can hear him in the water.  And so there I was, pretty well depressed out of my mind (yeah I know, Christians aren't supposed to be depressed, right?) just watching the water, and I noticed something.  The water as a whole was traveling in waves towards the shore where I was seated, but there were reflective ripples that were traveling in the opposite direction.  In looking at it, it seems as though those ripples were moving on top of the natural tide, not under it or through it.  And ultimately the water just kept moving towards the shore, and the ripples were eventually borne back to the course of the water underneath.
I thought it made a good analogy of how God works maybe.  It's like our lives are the ripples, we move in different directions and sometimes we are influenced by other ripples (which some of those ripples complement and make the effect stronger, sometimes they counteract and decrease the effect), sometimes we crash into rocks and end up going in a different direction.  But you know what?  The tide goes "through" the rocks.  I took a video, it's very poor quality since I have an ancient phone, but maybe you can see it too:

So the point I'm trying to make is this- God is constantly moving in the undercurrent of our lives.  Regardless of the rocks, the fish, the bugs, the walls, we are to continue to reflect His work in our lives.  And even when it doesn't feel like He's there, he definitely is, flowing underneath everything and continuing to make His purpose, sometimes with us and sometimes in spite of us.

Quick thought on the meaning of life

You know, a nice shallow subject on a Friday night.

I've really been struggling with what it is that I am supposed to do with my life at the moment.  So the place to look for encouragement is Ecclesiastes, right?  If you have 20 minutes, I'd take the time and read through the whole book.  I've listed some particular verses that stuck out to me just now, and may offer a few comments.

All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. 1:8

For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow. 1:18
There is so much truth in this statement for my life in the past couple of months.  There is certainly something to be said for remaining naive to how the world works, be it in sickness, death, pain, loss, disappointment. . . the more you know does not mean you will be a happier person.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 3:11
I am so thankful for this.  If this were the end, I would be done.  I don't know what heaven is like, but I know my task here is to do God's work and make disciples for him.

I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away. 3:14-15
At least I don't have to rely on just me.  I'd be doomed.

And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun. 4:2-3

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 4:9-12

Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart. 5:18-20

Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this. 7:10
The question "How did I get here from there?" has been pestering me.  It's an empty pursuit.

Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.  Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. 7:20-22
This is hard, especially when there are people you look up to and you forget that they are people, they are fallible.  On the other side, it makes you think about how much you've failed other people and missed opportunities to defend rather than go with the audience on a matter.

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.  Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.  Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going. 9:7-10

He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap.  11:4
Don't let circumstances keep you from working.

So Solomon's last statement is the charge against being idle, and is the best life advice:

The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil. 12:12-14

Fear God and keep His commandments. . . it's always troublesome when a few words carry so much weight.  It makes perfect sense- God knows everything anyway, He knows how it is going to turn out, so why do we let ourselves by paralyzed?  What do we really have to fear?