Where is life going?

I don't know about you, but that's a question that I find that I ask myself often these days.  For me lately there's been a series of changes, some that I have been in control of and some that I have not, so inherently in any time of transition there is going to be some change and potential turmoil.  Six months ago I would never have imagined that this is where I would be.  Actually, three weeks ago I would not have imagined I would be where I am at right now.
(And someday soon, I'll stop writing so much about myself and instead reflect on the things I am observing!  I think that is far more interesting material anyway)

So where am I?

I have joined up with a new church plant (thegracelifechurch.org) and am leading music; this will be my second Sunday this weekend.
I have an audition for an accompanist position at Jacksonville University next week; I am playing for the choral director and piano professor as well as the head of the music department.
I am moving out of my house.
I am just starting up the rehearsal process for another musical (and one "full" rehearsal in I can tell that I have a great cast, which is good because the music is wicked hard).

The only non-surprise on the list is the last one, and the wonderful surprise there is the awesome cast.  I may have said this before, but there is something the Church could learn from community theater- in this case, we have 14 "random" people from all different walks of life, backgrounds, ancestry, and yet we unite to one goal and work and build each other up together.  There's no competition, there's no back-biting, because those things affect the final product otherwise.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's never drama in a cast.  But I have rarely walked away from a production with a bad taste in my mouth, and typically it stems from some form of unprofessional action (and honestly. . . in six years of being in Florida, I've only had three bad situations out of probably 20 MD gigs and 12 keys gigs; I feel like that is a good ratio, considering the nature of performance art).

. . . . sorry for that bird walk, I was just updating my musical theater resume.  Anyway. . .

If I move down the list I just made, there is one common denominator in all of them: prayer.

In the case of the church plant, I was not necessarily seeking a "church gig" (I hate that thought as it is- that's a topic for a different day).  I saw an e-mail that a place had an immediate need, and as I am transitioning my life anyway I figured it couldn't hurt to respond and at the very least help the Body out in a time of need.  It is strangely humbling to be an answer to prayer.  I met with their pastor and ended up being able to hang out with a life group that evening as well, and I fit in very comfortably, which is always a good sign.  The coolest part about last Sunday was hearing a congregation of essentially strangers raise their voices in praise.  Like, I can't even begin to describe how encouraging that was, especially after what turned into a bit of a hectic set-up before the service.  I never imagined a) being involved with a church plant nor b) feeling that welcome.  There is definitely some great God stuff going on there, and I am excited to see what happens.  The other very odd thing about this situation is the vision I'm being given.  I am not a vision person; I'm a do-er.  But I hear the words of a dear friend echoed in the plans I am making and the approach I am taking, in that I think what I ultimately have to offer them is someone to lead them into learning to lead themselves in music.  I want to develop a music and media team for them of their people (particularly because I'm not necessarily moving to that area but somewhere about 30-40 minutes away, and I think there is something else for me eventually. . . again, a discussion for another time) and work myself out of a job.  But who knows what will happen?  I'm not naive enough to think that I've got it all figured out and can set the date and timing of it all, and perhaps I will fall greatly in love with their community and become a part of it.  I really have no idea.  But I know I'm supposed to be there now (as a side note and more of the orchestration power of God- there were no other bites to the e-mail that was sent for this position).

In the case of the audition, holy way-more-than-I-expected, Batman.  Being unemployed at the moment, I've been praying fervently for provision.  I sent an e-mail to UNF and JU just saying that I'm a pianist for hire, I have experience accompanying college students, here's my contact info.  All I really expected was a response of "thanks, we'll put your info in our files."  Instead, JU said they might need me and asked if I could come meet with them.  I said sure, and the next thing I know they want me to prepare an instrumental accompaniment as well as be prepared to sightread for three faculty members.  I still have no idea what they need and what kind of job is offered, but I know it's God opening doors.  He is secretly going through my list of things I said I would never do.  I would never teach at a private school, I would never teach elementary kids, and now I will "never" gig full-time.  And yet here we are, looking very seriously at my hands truly being the full-time money makers.  And this will be my first audition since. . . I don't even know.  I guess sometime in college.  Maybe even my college auditions. . . . so you know, 10 years ago.

Clearly, my leaving my house is directly related to the other two things already mentioned.  I began the MA in Bible program through Trinity Baptist College in Jacksonville, which is the original motivation for moving.  And I have had a renter lined up for a while, so that was a piece God took care of (I guess to assuage my transition out of the job and church I've been at for the past three/six years, letting me know I'm headed the right direction and He is still in control).

Now, to finally get to the actual point:

Matthew 6:26-34: "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

This is this lesson that I have been learning for the past three weeks, for the past five and a half months, for the past nearly two years.  I cannot and will not say that I have handled every situation perfectly.  I have had plenty of arguments with God, plenty of anger and tears and doubt and rebellion.  I know those moments are still coming.  But I can also say with 100% confidence that God has not just brought me to the place I am; He is bringing me through it.

James 1:2-4: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I am markedly different now than I was at the beginning of summer.  Whether or not anyone would be able to tell is hard because I disappeared for a few weeks, traveling and seeing family and friends and then more family.  But once I got back from all of that, I started to recognize my lack of ability to control life and my need for dependence on God.

And that's where my life is going- off of my power alone and instead yoked to Christ's power.

Finding myself

So I just lost a significant portion of the post I was writing.  Oy.  A recap: I started online classes for an MA in Bible degree, been doing lots of reading and writing for that and loving it, been traveling a lot, therefore no posts lately.  Currently in the mountains, siblings coming soon, so I'm writing in the calm before the storm.

I promise it was much more eloquent than that, but I want to get to the meat of my purpose in writing today.

I have spent the past few months determining who it is that God has made me.  And while I do not yet have a complete picture, I have discovered some things (and had some revelations about things I already knew about myself).  So, in no particular order:

1) I am an artist.

Many of you see that and go, "Duh!"  But hear me out.  Even in college, I always thought of myself as a little odd from the average musician.  And I would usually say first that I am a musician or and accompanist before I would say I am an artist.  But what I have realized is that piano is a means of expressing my artistic nature.  After all, I am also a thespian, and playing for shows is really a niche I fit into well.  Seeing myself as an artist makes some choices I make have true meaning- I have always put priority into being involved in productions, I say "no" to opportunities that are creatively toxic (even if there are good people involved or a particular show I'd like to do), I jump at opportunities to try something new or different, I don't just play piano but sing or play drums or even handbells!  So yes, being a musician is a part of me, but it's a part of my being an artist.  And like any artist, I can be offended when my art, not my ability, is questioned, or when someone gets in the way of expression.  It's just a different way of seeing how I tick, for me at least.

2) I am an analyst.

No surprise here, but I really do tend to analyze everything.  Is this process efficient?  Does that word really mean what he said it means?  What's the origin story of _______?  I analyze music, theater, movies, preaching, books, in nearly all things constantly seeking out the truth as well as the possibility contained therein.

3) I am a sharer.

I think this is really where my enjoyment of teaching comes in.  I don't think we see teachers as sharing, but ultimately that is what we are doing, sharing knowledge and experiences.  And this is partially why I enjoy community theater so much- you share your lives for months in a rehearsal process, I get to share music, and we all get to share telling a story.  Church functions similarly, or should anyway.  On the flip side of this coin, I don't really think of myself as a teacher.  That may be in part to the red-tape ultra-accountable nature of teaching today, but truly for me it goes deeper than that.  At the end of the day my goal is exposure and expansion to those whom I share with; I am not as concerned with achievement as I am with a heightened sense of awareness and broader view of the world.  And again, maybe it isn't fair for me to say that a "teacher" is more concerned with achievement, but looking back at the last 6 years that is really what a lot of the focus and conversation is about.  Blame the system (perhaps- I mean, don't I want my teachers to care about my achieving well?  But alas, this is not the time for a discussion of educational philosophy).

4) I am a child of God.

Again, nothing new, except for a heightened sense of God carrying me through a lot of things.  I am still learning to completely trust.  I am learning to what extent God provides for me and the ways in which, whether observed or unobserved, God cares about the details.  I don't feel like I have done a great job in being completely dependent and casting all anxiety on Him, and part of that is just realizing that that is not only available to me but that He wants me to.  I guess that is the hard part to reckon, the limitless love.

5) I am a weird thinker.

I don't quite know how to qualify that in any other way.  This is not something new for me but sometimes I forget it.  I don't think in straight lines, and I don't think to myself often- I think in hyper fits of random bits to be placed into various places in the puzzle of what I'm trying to figure out, and I think in conversation to other people specific to the line of thought I'm having at the time.  As far as the puzzle piece thing, the activity that has lately exposed this has been writing outlines.  I have always said that I hate outlines, and this is why.  I can easily get the main points to talk about and sequence them well, but if you could see the process in which I fill in all of the details, you would laugh.  I type something, then jump to a specific point I want to make somewhere else, and then go back to a semi-large topic and break it down into three points, and then go and add another main point because I can make a stronger argument.... It's a little ridiculous, and maybe I'm not alone in this process, but I feel like the point of an outline is to get you to think organized, and I can't do it that way.  I think this is why I fit in with theater so well- it's not like you learn the show from beginning to end, things change and transform, and so not only quick thinking but also pulling from one place to give to another is inherent. My music rehearsals are full of me just being all kinds of crazy, but it's the effective kind of crazy that gets the job done.

EDIT:  As I posted this to Facebook, I identified another piece of identity- I am a writer!  Totally and thoroughly I am.  I feel I communicate best this way.  Once upon a time I used to hand write epic notes and letters to people.  I had a couple of online journals that no longer exist, and I have notebooks of various and sundry things.  With the presence of technology I know utilize blogs (clearly) but also Stickies, Notes, Reminders.... so yeah.  I am definitely a writer.

I look at all this and go, OK God, this is how you made me, so..... what now?  My hope with all this introspection is to discover what it is God has next in store for me.  I am also learning that a person is less food-pyramid and more complex Venn diagram (I would attempt to depict this but I am on the iPad so I don't have all my usual tools at my disposal.  Maybe when I get back).

Anyway, if you have never taken the time to look at what gifts God has given you and what personality traits He etched into your DNA, I would say it is worth it.  I'm still doing it, and there will probably be more posts like this, since this is where my personal energy is being used at this season of life.  And now that I have a handle on my classes, I should have some time to write some more topical things (as I have many things that have happened lately to which I desire to respond).

At the end of the day, my current motivation is this- "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!" Lamentations 3:40