Well...

... it’s been a while. I know it’s not a perfect indicator of how my life is going, but the correlation of not writing=low cycle and writing frequently=high cycle is pretty strong. There have been a lot of things that have happened in 2019. . . and I have no intention of trying to get into all of them right now. But this will probably ramble around and be about a few different things, and I have no real final aim that I know of other than to dump some things out of my brain, and really the intent is always that I am using this to process my thoughts, which brings me to my first point:

- I have lately been in a rut of “doing something is better than doing nothing” which is likely how this writing will end as well.

- I recently moved into my own apartment, which is the first time I’ve lived completely alone since 2011 I believe. . . it’s a nice 1-1 apartment, ranch style, and eerily similar to the apartment I moved into when I first got to Florida as a 21 year old. And so the sense of moving backwards and starting over is not lost on me at all. I’m hoping to delve into this more specifically, but it’s not going to happen today.

-The fall semester just started but between the hurricane and being out of my apartment for most of August, and having just been in summer (in which my life has no rhyme or reason so whatever gigs come come), there hasn’t really been any shape of normalcy for a long while.

- Cam’s birthday is coming up this Sunday. . . she would be 33. I don’t talk much about her, which is not news, but I thought maybe at this point I would. I think that’s a lot of what’s built up inside. People ask “how did you end up in Jacksonville” and the answer is never what I would consider the real, complete one: “My wife died, and I ran away, so God stopped me in this area because He had things planned for me here.” About 40% of the time the second half of that sentiment is there. Probably 59.9% is “I got the job at the university.” The 0.1% includes the part about Cameron.

Related to this, I was at a friend’s birthday party a couple months ago, and it was the first time in a long time that someone had a frank conversation about me and Cameron and asked how things were and related stories and such. It was wonderful. And so I know some of the struggle of where I’m at now is that no one knew her up here, and so the missed connection is super easy.
I wish that I wouldn’t be so closed off. I don’t know if it’s that there’s a level of pain that I don’t want to reveal, don’t want to deal with, if it’s feeling like no one will understand and so why go through the rigamarole. . . I don’t know. I thought I would have figured something out by this point, but I haven’t.