where is the wind?

Mood swings.

I'm sure I've talked about them before.  But I think there are many people who may be facing them for the first time because of the situation coronavirus has put us in.  And sometimes just recognizing what's going on emotionally is what allows us to take the first steps forward instead of just stagnating.

Because the thing is, we don't have to let our emotions control us.  In the same breath we also have to understand that we don't have complete control over our emotions, especially in a time of crisis.  So instead, one thing we can do is redefine our approach to emotions- rather than seeing the emotions as inherently positive or negative, we can see that our response to emotions can be negative or positive.  Anger can be positive (like standing up for the rights of mistreated individuals); happiness can be negative (like rejoicing at the closure of a rival's business).

For me, there's some sadness this week.  I should have ran a half marathon last Saturday, and I had been training for several weeks before the virus shut everything down.  I should have been opening a cabaret tomorrow night, one of my favorite gigs because it's low time/high risk/high reward.  The magic of making music with old and new faces in a short period of time is unique and exciting and I miss it.  I could react to these both in a number of ways, but:

- I am choosing to recognize that God's timing of putting me in the midst of training put me in a good physical place to make a pretty seamless transition into a physically demanding job.

- I am choosing to see that I may be getting good at making boxes for people but I'm much better at making music with people.

- I am choosing to see the temporary nature of the situation and to both cherish the memories of what I have been able to experience and look forward with greater appreciation to the time where I will get to perform and collaborate again.

These choices don't make the sadness not sad- they make the sadness not negative.



The realm of the mind I think is also the realm of the spiritual. . . I don't have time to flesh all this out right now but these three passages (but particularly Romans 12:2) is the beginning of that conversation.

Galatians 5:16-24
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Romans 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
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I don't know if I expressed it here or somewhere else or just internally but soon after all this corona stuff started, for a couple weeks, the phrase I kept coming back to was "yeah I've been through hard times but this is not inspiring me to overcome; this is just taking the wind out of my sails."

What I've realized over the past few days is that it wasn't the wind that was taken.  I had taken down my sails because the wind shifted.

My wife often said, "I feel God in the wind," enough so that I was gifted wind chimes after her death with a similar sentiment etched onto the paddle.  I am having to remind myself that there's so much more than the what-is-in-front-of-me.  There are no accidents and there are no coincidences.  There is some value in physical training but value for all things in godliness, both the present and the future (1 Tim 4:8).

So I'm putting my sails back up, because I know Who controls the winds and the sea.

time is bendy

A few unfinished thoughts but I'm trying my best to keep putting something down so that my brain doesn't drown and/or just put things into the already overfull "we can think about this later" bin.

I proposed seven years ago (I was going to say today which seems true for me but technically it is yesterday now, Star Wars day, May the Fourth be with you, which is not why I did on that day, in fact it was literally that the jewelry shop let me know that the ring resizing for the engagement ring was finished and I literally dropped everything and picked it up and met with Cam's dad for lunch to ask permission to marry her and then picked her up and took her to Beresford where we had our first serious conversation and anyway it certainly made it easy to remember the date).  Since that day, I went through a life where we were planning a long life together with a long engagement and a summer to honeymoon and find a house and take our time to do all the things.  I then went through a life of returned cancer in a mass in her sternum and treatment plans that started after Thanksgiving and moving and downsizing the wedding because there were three weeks of relative freedom from treatment and planning to do a big party celebration later.  Then there was Bone Marrow Transplant Life that I still can't wrap my mind around, both the process and even the coming home and becoming an untrained health care provider and cleaning all the things.  And then there was the life immediately after her death and trying hard to follow God but also just trying to survive and now I'm in Jacksonville.  And then there's been the past five years of living here and being a performer and a pastor and I'm still not really sure what I'm doing in either of those worlds.  And now there's coronalife where I am working nightshift and wondering when this will all end and knowing that it won't "end" as much as it will slowly fizzle into an ultimate new normal that should last a good long while once this pandemic is under control.

So six lives in seven years.  Pretty soon I'm going to be a cat.

The other thing is a couple days ago at work I had my first physical contact since this all happened.  It was not anything crazy, I went to ask the rebin guy if he had seen sewing needles and between masks and wearing ear plugs and it's just loud in the warehouse he said "huh?" and put his arm around my shoulders as he leaned in to hear what I was saying.  He was an older guy, it was a perfectly normal and somewhat fatherly gesture, and in any other circumstance I probably wouldn't have even seen it on my radar.  But I had several reactions in a short period: comfort, concern, aversion, confusion about all of the previous.  I'm a touch person, and in the correct context, even a stranger's touch is not anywhere near a red flag in my mind.  But touch during this pandemic where we are told we are supposed to stay six feet apart (which even with the independent nature of as well as the physical distribution of people in my job is still almost impossible) is a strange thing.

And also related to that last thought, I bought a weighted blanket, and I love it, but it's strange.  It certainly isn't human but it gives me a similar sensation to ASMR, except all over, and if I'm under it for a long time and then go to stand up I don't have complete control of my physical facilities for a little bit, which I sort of don't like.  So it's nice to be under the blanket and just stay there, and I'm having to learn to only use it when I don't have to do much but sit in my recliner (whether I am working on my computer or on the phone or whatever.  I made the mistake of getting under it before a shift and I was not ok until at least an hour into work).

I guess I'm looking forward to having two days off?  I'm looking forward to not having responsibilities tomorrow at least.  And I ended up as a down stacker so my body will appreciate two days to recover.