An angry week

This has been a strange week full of things that should not have been.  And I've been angry.  It's so easy to excuse anger, especially when you see it as a series of circumstances over which you have no control and little influence, and so therefore can do nothing about.

But that's only half of the story.  Because we are in control of how we respond.  Our emotions do not have to control our responses.  So I have chosen to be angry about things this week, and the question I have been mulling over the past couple days is "why am I angry?"  Really, when I look back at things, very little was all that terrible that I needed to be as angry as I was.  So then, that points to an underlying problem, an anger because of something(s) else that instead of being dealt with directly is now channeled at all these circumstances (that I would honestly say 80% of the time I would have been pretty chill about).

So what is the real problem?

I think it's been two fold: first, that I'm not happy with some of my choices lately (see last entry) and so have not been as patient with myself as I could be; second, that as I continue to come back into living, I have to once again deal with my own ego.  Both of these things are primarily tempered by taking a step back and gaining perspective.  Camz was the best at doing that for me, and I try to find that voice inside myself.  Well, sometimes I try.  Sometimes it just comes.  But probably more than I realize I have to make it a conscious effort.

It's also important to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing, but how we deal with it is.  Psalm 4-

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!  O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?  How long will you love vain words and seek after lies?  But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.  Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.  There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?  Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”  You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.  In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

And more clearly, Ephesians 4:22-27 gives some direct instruction as it quotes that part of the Psalm-

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

So it's a new week.  A new chance to respond in and with the Spirit and not with my flesh.  A week that I can either put myself forward or look to others' needs first.



One last thing- The Message version of Psalm 4 offers a couple of interesting images:
v. 1...- When I call, give me answers. God, take my side!
... and it's answer in v. 3- He listens the split second I call to him.
And then v. 8- At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together.

All of the swirling emotions

The grief rock is weird.  And this entry already feels scrambled.

September kicks off a 6 month period of crucial anniversaries, some happy and some not so much.  But I had the recognition that the past few weeks I've been dealing with mood swings again, and the timing lines up perfectly.  But awareness is the first step in being able to address an issue.  I have a pretty good rhythm going with this semester (which, part of it is there is more space because I'm finished with the master's degree; I forgot how time consuming that really was) but I'm also realizing that I'm not making the best choices in dealing with my emotions.  Some days I have done better than others, but at least I am fighting the tendency to isolate.  And I'm doing my best not to let a temporary emotional state control my actions as much as possible.

Last fall I did not do a good job of fighting well.  I think because I didn't want to deal with anything.  I had had a good stride going in life from January until sometime in early August, and then I chose to fill up my life with all of the things instead of dealing with anything.  And found myself empty and at the bottom of a dark hole by December.  So the first part of this year has been about recovering from that, and really the end of summer/beginning of this fall I think I finally back on the living track.

So all that being said, I was reminded of Psalm 139, particularly v. 11-12:

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Whether I choose to live in darkness or light, that cannot separate me from God.





Side note- I had the feeling I've written something like this before.  And I have- May 2017.  And several things in some of my personal journals.  So. . . . yay consistency?