What we practice

Practice is a word that has come up a lot for me in the past few weeks.  Now, it's certainly not a new thing, being a musician and all, but the contexts of practice have so much greater application than we might imagine.  I feel like the pendulum swing in this (from strictly a personal perspective- expectations on other people is a whole different can of worms) is either that we don't do the hard work of practice and expect to slide by OR we give ourselves no room for error and expect perfection immediately.  Both fail to recognize that we need to practice.

So, perhaps the questions we ask ourselves are-

"How come I have to keep doing this?" or "Why can't I do this yet?"

Both lead to frustration.  And in reflecting on this question in several areas of my life, I have observed the pendulum swing dangerously close to the edges.

How come I have to keep reinventing the wheel with my life/schedule/job? 

Why can't I trust people who have proven themselves to be trusted?  

How come I have to prove myself?

Why can't I stop the circus mirrors?  

And as I ask these questions, they certainly are all related.  Life isn't just separate drawers in the chest, after all- it IS the chest.

But there's been a positive shift through the summer, and especially in the past few weeks.  Because I have been practicing.  Really since May, once I got a new therapist who was able to give me some specific things to practice daily.  I've been practicing not listening to the dark voices that feed lies about my worth, my relationships, my connection to God and to others.  I've been practicing trust, affirming what I know in my head to the deep places of my heart and recognizing that the world is not out to get me.  I've been practicing talking to myself with the same grace and patience that I would talk to a dear friend (or at least attempt to).  I've been practicing the awareness of my identity in Christ, not in the things I do or have done.  Am I perfect?  Nope.  Do I mess up or get distracted?  Yep.  But the shift in my life has been significant, enough that several of the people who know me best have mentioned it.

And yes, it might sound like a yogi leading a meditation.  And hey, guess what?  That's actually Biblical language (Judaism and Christianity are Eastern religions, after all).  Another day I'll take up the term "meditation," but for "practice" look at Philippians 4:4-13:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity.  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

I was half-joking with a friend that this has been the best week of 2021.  It's not that it was a horrible week, it truly has been a great week, but certainly not because of the circumstances.  Between the busy schedule that I brought onto myself and having to fight hard to face some uncomfortable things about myself, I got to cap the week off by having two teeth removed. Yay!

But here's the thing.  As I sat in that chair, face numb, waiting between teeth pulls, I leaned back and said to myself, "This is actually a nice little vacation from the grind.  No phone, no agenda.  I know I'll have to get back to work once I get this over with, but for right now, this moment, I can just breathe and relax."  Now, obviously it's helpful that your face is numbed so that you aren't feeling the true pain of the experience, but hey! God is good in that we have developed medicines that can be delivered in order to make those procedures essentially pain-free (and also good in providing friends that you can trust to put a pair of pliers into your mouth).

I share all this to give recognition that God has done a great work in me, really since the pandemic started but especially in the past few months as I have worked things out through practicing this momentary recognition of reality and the way in which God has His hand in every part of it.  I've been learning a lot of important lessons.  

Practicing dependence instead of worry.

Practicing thankfulness instead of complaining.

Practicing reasonableness instead of reacting.

And I would say, yes, I have had the peace of God this week.  Not in every moment.  But more than I have in a long time.  And if we want to expand out the calendar, this has been the best month, and it started with me getting Covid... so, truly, this is a great reminder to me and hopefully an encouragement to you who read this-

Circumstances do not lead to joy.  

The Philippians passage above starts with "Rejoice!"  At the front of it all, it has to do with the bent of our heart toward being content or not, regardless of what has happened and what is happening. And at the end of the passage, I love how the Message puts those last verses together- 

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." 

It helps give the context in which Philippians 4:13 is always taken out of. "I CAN DO ALL THINGS LIKE RUN THIS MARATHON BECAUSE IN JESUS NAME HE GIVES ME STRENGTH!" Yeah, on some level, sure, but it's not a magic phrase that means that whatever we set our mind to, God will accomplish for us or through us.  It means that we can face any circumstances and remain content in Christ.

Whatever.  Wherever.  Our circumstances don't control our reactions.  We, in our free-will, have the opportunity in every moment to make choices.  Sometimes it means we have to learn how to adapt to our good bad brains in order to make the best choice.  And it also helps us see why self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.  But ultimately, we don't get better at it without practice.

So, practice.  The things that you aren't good at? Practice.  You want to be more patient with your kids?  Practice.  You want to be better at being on time?  Practice.  You tired of beating yourself up? Practice. And give yourself the room to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, not giving up when it gets hard, and not over-expecting that change happens instantly.  It takes time.  And remember that for those who believe, God works in us as we work out our salvation.

And also, I'm saying this to myself, too.

Practice.

Gotta start somewhere

 I desperately need to write to get myself back into processing mode, but I also know that if I continue to wait for having "enough time" then this won't happen until after Halloween.  Or maybe the new year.

So, I'm going to give a tl;dr for a post that only exists in my head.

PTSD.  Quite the journey.  I've learned a lot, I've made a lot of progress, I still have a long way to go.

Employment.  I am currently working from home, teaching English to Chinese students (until the Chinese Ministry of Education totally shuts it all down) and doing video CC transcription/editing (more editing than transcription).  I'm really enjoying it, and it's much less stress than Amazon was (which I enjoyed outside of the 12 hour shifts and also being on night shift).

Church.  We signed a lease for our own space at the beginning of summer.  And eventually we will have it ready to move in. . . but really, the possibilities it will open up are incredible.

Theater.  I overcommitted a bit, not knowing what the fall was going to look like. . . but all three shows that I started rehearsal processes this past week are starting strong.  I just wonder if I will ever not be in feast or famine mode.  And part of that comes from being in a place where I can say "no" to things that I don't want to do because I'm no longer gig-dependent.

And so the tl;dr of the tl;dr is that things are going well.  I'm busy, no surprise, but busy in a new way.  The emotional word I have come to is "overwhelmed" but I know that that's not completely right because there's a negative sense to that which is not accurate to my current feelings on the past few weeks.  And this is why I need to take the time to write.  I'm hoping that maybe at some point this weekend, I will be able to write and get at least one ring closer to actually naming the feeling I'm experiencing.

However, the fact that I'm doing this random post is an indication that I likely will not get to it.

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I heard this earlier this week and this is what I will end this with.  Lamentations 3:37-40  (MSG)-

Who do you think “spoke and it happened”?  It’s the Master who gives such orders.  Doesn’t the High God speak everything, good things and hard things alike, into being?  And why would anyone gifted with life complain when punished for sin?  Let’s take a good look at the way we’re living and reorder our lives under God.

The post that I can't publish

Imagine the worst moment of your life, whatever that might be, however long it might have (or be) lasting.  Imagine now being forced to relive various aspects of it seemingly at random for months without end.

That is my corona/2020 experience.

And so on the edge of 6 years since Cam died, this is what has defined my life for the most part of recent history.

Constant cleaning.

Isolation.

Abandonment.

Flashbacks/nightmares.

One of the problems is that PTSD has created a circus mirror that is particularly bendy the more I am by myself.  And so when I notice it start to bend I try and make sure I don't have too much alone time.  But sometimes things come up for people and so even with well intent I end up alone.  And also unbending the mirror is exhausting.  On top of the inevitable march of time towards anniversaries, it's just too much right now.

Camz would not be happy with how I have been dealing with things the past couple weeks. . . she would be realistic about it and give me some benefit of the doubt but also she would sit me down and tell me when and where I'm being a crazy person.  But I don't have her here to do that for me.  Or to lay my head on her lap and just not worry about words or talking but just focus on being.  Or to listen to her problems and celebrations so that I'm not just wrapped up in my own head.  Or to get away and just be together and enjoy the experiences of life.

Six years.  It's an eternity and it's yesterday.  Whether I want to or not I am in that hospital bed next to her, listening to her breathing slow more and more until the final rattle.  I'm a couple days before she got to see everybody and give her assignments, wailing and hating that I'm wailing in front of her while she's contemplating death and her comforting me instead.  I'm several months out, making phone calls and texts to people who have apparently gotten to a point where my grief is too great for them to bear anymore, but instead of telling me that, they just. . . disappear.

I'm tired.