Clarion (and marathon)

There is nothing quite like visiting your wife's grave to finally gain some clarity.

2019 started with quite the. . . let's just say unexpected excitement.  I have avoided writing about this year's marathon, I think in part because that always signals the real start of the new year for me, and I have been in denial about letting 2019 start, but also because I don't really like to write until there's something clear to write about (while writing helps me to process, I have to figure out what it is that I'm processing first).

And so what I experienced this morning as well as looking back at the race are both closely related, but let's quickly look back at the race first.

For the first time (in forever. . .) I completed training successfully.  However, I blew the race by being overzealous in my early miles and hit the wall around 15 and ended up being slightly slower than last year's time overall.  For comparison, my splits:

-------5 mile-----------10 Mile---------------Half------------------20 Mile
2018   ?                    1:40 (10:04)         2:13 (10:28)      3:45 (13:23)
2019   46:24 (9:17)   1:34 (9:36)           2:07 (10:45)       3:43  (13:54)

And really, my half time from this past year is more like 2:01, I was in the bathroom less than .2 miles from the split, if I had known I was that close I would have held out a little bit longer. . . but anyway, all that to say, the recovery time on the other side of the race was much diminished because of training well.  Last year, completing the marathon was about just recognizing I could still run a race (and if it had been another 6+ hr year, I would have quit doing them).  This year, it was recognizing that I could do the training well.  So next year, I will do both!  And not that the marathon won't still be able to be a good gauge of the year, but really what this year's race showed me is that I'm getting back to where I'm not having to have an epic backstory, that I can run because it's fun, and it's not always about conquering life but can really finally take its rightful place back as a hobby and a diversion.

And I will also not blow my pace because I'm just too excited to run.



So with all that being said. . . some of the fire to get through training well was in part to combat some of the outside things that I've been dealing with.  A lot of things have gotten off the rails in a couple different areas of life.  And it would be easy to blame circumstances.  And really, I have been.

It was this morning that I realized in a very practical way that I am not as much of a victim as I might think, and also I am not without influence and power.  It is my own doubt about the goodness of God that has enhanced the flames and allowed the darts of Satan to trip me up.

Ephesians 6:10-18a

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, raying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.



I have forgotten that reentering life means reentering the spiritual battlefield.

Instead of acting in faith, I've been letting the arrows pierce me.  And sometimes just pushing them in further.

Instead of taking up the fight, I've been waiting for God to just swoop in and "make everything clear."  But what's been made clear is that I'm to act.  I'm to work out my salvation as God works in me.



I'm going to write about this in more detail hopefully sooner rather than later, but a couple other passages to consider for now:

James 1:5-7 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Matthew 21:18-22  In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once.  When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither at once?” And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”