The first signpost

Two things before I dive in: first, this will likely be lengthy and honestly might be too much for me to try and sort through in one chunk; second, I am an expert only in my experience, and so what I am saying with regards to certain topics might be not completely correct/not fully understood (and there will be statements that I'll put in italics that I don't have sources for and that may or may not actually be clinically true, but they have been relevant and/or helpful).

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I started therapy through BetterHelp on October 29th, 2020.  I'm starting here because my brain really wants to just make a timeline but I think for ease of understanding I need to go through things as I have been discovering them, and the timeline fits in where it will.

I started therapy because I observed my relationships crumbling, because I was waking up with the thought of "I can't do this anymore" in all its various iterations, and that thought stuck with me the entire morning, day, and night, because I felt isolated but also realized that I was isolating myself.

And so in early December, I started to learn about PTSD, and that unlocked a new world of understanding for me.

PTSD has four parts to it: re-experience (of trauma), arousal (of fear and/or anxiety), avoidance, and withdrawal (both escape tactics).  Often we think of it with regards to war experiences, and those triggers of loud noises or large crowds or tight spaces or whatever might trigger a person back to the feeling of something that happened in war.  But PTSD can stem from any traumatic event, where physical or psychological harm occurred, and not every traumatic event causes PTSD.  (And as an extra nugget to remember, there's a Complex PTSD that adds in a dissociative aspect where there is disturbance of self-organization that leads to affective dysregulation, disturbance in relationships, and negative self-concept) 

Arousal looks like a flight or fight response, and a few of the possible feelings include feeling keyed up/on edge, having trouble sleeping, becoming suddenly angry or irritable, and rouble concentrating.  Anger is sadness that had nowhere to go for a very long time.  Reexperience can be caused by a trigger (a visual, a sound, a smell even), a memory, a nightmare, a flashback.  Avoidance may start as avoiding situations, conversations, anything closely related to the trauma, but eventually is turns into avoiding all people and things that make you anxious, and is considered PTSD when the avoidance coping becomes a lifestyle.  Numbing is a disconnection from people and activities that used to be enjoyable.  It also comes with increased sensitivity to feeling negative emotions like guilt, fear, anger, or shame.  These can cycle into overworking, isolation, pushing people away, high risk behaviors, substance overuse.  Numbing tells you that you can't get hurt by something that you aren't connected to or feeling about to begin with. 

Numbing tells you that you can't get hurt by something that you aren't connected to or feeling about to begin with. 

That sentence was the first clear bell in this journey for me.  I wrote back in August a post that I deleted soon after posting.  I won't post it all here but two excerpts are revealing:

"I have reached capacity in rejection. . . now there's a yo-yo that is distractingly hard to keep up with, and the next step is to move to the side, put both the negative and positive experience into the same box that is labeled "there things don't matter" so that they won't affect you strongly.

But really the problem basically is that I'd rather live with my problems than deal with another rejection.  Because seriously, who I am and what I deal with in a given moment is not more important than what I can do for someone in both short and long term, and I am not in a place to open up without a grand fear of continued rejection because who knows what happens next."

The really interesting part is back at the end of August I said something about the PTSD of shutdown being like bone marrow transplant land, but I didn't know how close to the nail I was hitting because we use mental health terms so flippantly in our culture.

So going back to diagnosing what happens with PTSD, the chronic avoidance deprives you of opportunities to process the event, to relearn that triggers may not be as dangerous as they were during the trauma, and eventually leads to depression and poor quality of life as you begin to cut things/people out of your life.  There are several different "personalities" in how these things happen- for me this is what stuck out:

Displacer: Takes expression emotion and displaces the feeling in other people or areas of their life. (stresses out at work, chronically agitated, upset at minor events.) 

Minimizer: Person who is aware of their emotions, but when felt, works to dull the emotions and avoid them at all cost.

Somaticizer: Converts emotion into physical symptoms as a way to express and channel emotion.

And trauma impacts the places where we feel most vulnerable- again, this is what stuck out for me:

Esteem-I deserve to have bad things happen to me; if I don’t protect myself I am a weak person

Intimacy- I am unlovable because of my past; if I let other get close to me, I'll get hurt again. 

Future oriented thinking and recovery feel vulnerable as it pushes us to the unknowns of our lives.

Fear of the future, life after trauma, causes guilt ("I made a mistake, I feel bad")/shame ("I am a mistake, I am bad")/self-sabotage (you subconsciously make sure you don’t get it; you push people away to hurt yourself; or accept only the love you feel you deserve) to be triggered when we are most afraid of repeating the past, and leads you to believe you’re undeserving of love.

Undeserving of love.

Now.  That's a lot of information, and I feel like I'm only scratching the surface, but all I can say is that all of those things above have resonated in ways I can't being to describe with regards to the past few months.  So this is the tl;dr- all of it boils down to this fear of abandonment.

PTSD from being isolated and alone because of what having a bone marrow transplant means.

PTSD from losing close friendships in the first few months/couple years after Cam died.

PTSD from losing Cam.  It's weird to think of that as abandonment because it's not like there was a choice.  But the emotional response is still feeling abandoned.

I've done things the past few months that I can't explain, and others that I don't even remember.  "Your feelings are valid" does not necessarily mean "your reaction is an appropriate response to what just happened."  But having a name of what's been going on in my brain has been very helpful in trying to stop doing it.  

So where I'm at is building structure so that I can process.  Recognizing when I'm triggered.  Challenging the intrusive thoughts.  Pausing to ask myself why I'm upset and what my motivation is.  Finding coping techniques.

There's still some missing parts of the structure, as much as I want to have it figured out and be in a new normal.  Treatment is a marathon, not a sprint.  And there's so much more that I want to say but my brain is turning in to mush at the moment.

But this is a signpost for me, and maybe for someone else who is struggling.  Whether it's PTSD or depression or anxiety or whatever, you don't have to live with it.  And the American Christian world is good about shoving off mental illness as just a sin problem.  There is some truth, but it's not a complete picture.  And the flip side of therapy is that anything that does not align with what's in the Bible is worth throwing away.  And that's what I really want to get in to, but it will have to be a different day.  Maybe tomorrow afternoon.  But the past few weeks I've been working really hard and have been having better days and better relationships than I was the several months leading up to making these discoveries.

So if you take anything away from reading this- don't feel like you have to live with your problems and your pain.

Human again

 I need to put a memorial stone down, even if what I do is ramble for a little bit and force accountability by putting this out on social media.  

Which I haven't been on at all in three weeks, which has been lovely.  But now I am able to handle being on it again.

But.

The pandemic has been hard on me.  The past few months have been especially hard.  Taking a job that I didn't realize was going to weigh so heavily and pay so poorly.  Struggling to connect with people that I know love me and are struggling just as hard as I am.  Trying to break back into an industry that is forever changed (and there is nothing worse than singing in a mask).  Losing complete sense of what really matters and what is temporary.  Fighting and trying harder than ever, losing harder than ever, wanting so desperately to be done with everything and at the same time not wanting to give up and yet not sure how to keep moving forward.  

One helpful thing that I probably should have done long ago has been going to therapy.  I've been using BetterHelp, and it's been very helpful the past few weeks (and if you are on the fence about doing something like it, please reach out to me, no matter where you are or what you believe, because really it's an incredible service that is crafted exactly to what you want or think you need).  

I've also held on to this:

Psalm 77 (MSG)

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,

    I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;

    my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.

When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”

    I didn’t believe a word they said.

I remember God—and shake my head.

    I bow my head—then wring my hands.

I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;

    I can’t even say what’s bothering me.

I go over the days one by one,

    I ponder the years gone by.

I strum my lute all through the night,

    wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?

    Will he never smile again?

Is his love worn threadbare?

    Has his salvation promise burned out?

Has God forgotten his manners?

    Has he angrily stalked off and left us?

“Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business

    just the moment I need him.”

11-12 Once again I’ll go over what God has done,

    lay out on the table the ancient wonders;

I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished,

    and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy!

    No god is great like God!

You’re the God who makes things happen;

    you showed everyone what you can do—

You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,

    rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God,

    saw you and trembled with fear;

    Deep Ocean was scared to death.

Clouds belched buckets of rain,

    Sky exploded with thunder,

    your arrows flashing this way and that.

From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,

    Lightning exposed the world,

    Earth reeled and rocked.

You strode right through Ocean,

    walked straight through roaring Ocean,

    but nobody saw you come or go.

20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,

You led your people like a flock of sheep.

I have been trying the past couple weeks, but specifically for many days in a row now I am finally human. There's a lot to work through.  I am still screwing up in many ways.  I am still screwed up in many ways.  But this is a signpost and a reminder that God is faithful and is holding on to me even if I lose my grip.

Thankfulness list

1- I’m thankful for time change.

2- I’m thankful for cooler weather (finally).

3- I’m thankful I already voted.

4- I’m thankful for CFA breakfast.

5- I’m thankful for crying.

6- I’m thankful for rain.

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Provision and faith

The past week these two verses have stuck out to me (they have parallels in Matthew but I have the feeling this entry will get too long so I'm going to stick with the Luke ones for now).

Luke 12:25-26

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 

Luke 17:6

And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.

As far as provision- Jesus says that adding an hour to our life is a small thing.  If someone said "if you drink this mixture you will guaranteed live for an extra hour" and it were proven to be true somehow, people would go crazy.  In some ways we try to add time to our lives through medicine, eating habits, working out, etc, although actively I don't think we think of it with quite that mortal of a view.  But just the concept of adding time to life is not something we really have any control over.  Having that kind of power would be HUGE.  Yet Jesus says this is a small thing for Him.  And so in the context of not worrying, Jesus is showing just how powerful He really is and how well He can provide all the things we need for life.

As far as faith- I did a little research about growing mustard, apparently it grows pretty easily with basic needs met (tilled soil, some sunlight, etc) and also grows pretty quickly.  It's common in the middle East and there are wild mustard plants that grow quite large (there's more talk of mustard seed and other seeds)

along the Jordan river.  Some translations make a size comparison (faith as small as a mustard seed) but I think that cheats a little of the original language.  There's more to compare than just size, even in the context of the disciples trying to figure out why they didn't have "enough faith" to expel demons.  But either way,  it's not the size of faith that "makes it work"- it's where the faith is placed.  If you don't put a seed in the ground, it won't grow.  And while the farmer may plant the seed, water it, care for it, but he is not actively growing the plant through any power within himself.  So the challenge for us is to actually put our faith in God's power.  And that means giving up control, letting go, and actively planting that seed of faith.

And what is faith?

Hebrews 11:1, 6

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him.

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It's been rough.  Really since March, but also the past 10-12 weeks spiraled into darker places.  But this past week there have been some Spirit-led discoveries through some trainings I've had to do for a new job I've taken.  I've been dealing with a lot of feelings of rejection through this pandemic; being alone for an extended period of time is never a good thing, but then when I have managed to reach out, I found myself being ignored, forgotten, or brushed aside. . . and so the past few months I've found myself beyond the ability to cope with that.  It seems easier to live with the problems than to risk another rejection.  So between that and the PTSD of the pandemic response being like bone marrow transplant land, I'm a mess.  But some of that rejection I think I have misinterpreted; instead of rejection, what I was getting was sympathy.  One training module described the difference between empathy and sympathy:

Sympathy is looking down into the dark hole; empathy is coming down into the dark hole.

Sympathy says "well at least _______," empathy says "I've felt that and you're not alone."

Sympathy moves on quickly; empathy stays and listens.  

Sympathy tries to give a response to try and "make it better", a band-aid for a gaping wound; empathy makes a connection, a compassionate listening to let the other person just empty their heart. 

It's the connection that helps the healing process.  There's no "answer" to be found, that was never the goal- but people need to be heard and feel loved.

So yesterday I did probably the healthiest thing in a while and actually initiated, granted to no feedback which was not unexpected, but I know two things to process through: I need an empathetic listener, and I need to reevaluate some of my perspective on what was rejection and what was well-intentioned but ill-received sympathy.

Fear

I've been avoiding Facebook for quite a while now, primarily because when I get on, I barely have to scroll before I find myself becoming very angry.  This is not my typical M.O. and so I don't like to bring myself into that.  But, a friend recently made a point that helped me see the reactions of others to the coronavirus, both those that are doomsayers and those who are deniers, are all at their core based in fear.  And as I've mulled this over the past couple days, it has really helped me think through things.

For some, the virus is scary because it might kill you, it might kill your family and friends, it might leave you with physical problems that cannot be rehabilitated.  Essentially, it's a fear of death (not only the idea that we might die but also that we might be the causation of someone else's death by passing the virus).

For others, the virus is scary because it has shut down our economy, our livelihood, our identities, our families, our ability to act freely and live independently.  Essentially, it's a fear of submission (in this case, to a virus that has no political agenda and yet has changed our lives in ways we can't control).


Ultimately for both, it is a fear of the idea that we don't have ultimate authority in our lives to shape it the way we want.


I won't go on a tirade about the American values that exacerbate the problem, but the desire to control our own destinies goes all the way back to the first created people.  Adam and Eve choose to eat the one fruit that has been set aside as "hey, don't eat this!" and so there is no surprise that we who have inherited that nature continue to approach life in that manner.

So what is the cure for this fear?  The answer as I see it is twofold.

For the non-believer, the only cure is found in Jesus.  The world is broken; if anyone thinks otherwise, just look around at what's going on.  I'm not saying that being optimistic is wrong, but at the moment a virus has effectively shut down the entire world (hence, pandemic).  However, life is broken on small scales as well: family problems, financial woes, inner turmoil, hurtful political agendas, addictions.  The world is broken beyond the repair of the people living on it.  And so what can we do?

Nothing.  Nothing on our own anyway.

God's design for man is that we would share a relationship with Him, enjoying His glory and worshipping (that is, assigning God as the object of worth).  His holiness requires perfection, but unfortunately our brokenness as expressed in sin keeps that relationship estranged.  One may say they are a "good" person, but certainly no one would say they are perfect.  And yet God is perfect (because if He isn't then He isn't a very powerful God), and He cannot mix with imperfect.  However (and this is a HUGE however) God hasn't left us without a Way.  God came down as a human, Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah, the Promised One, and lived a perfect human life.  He was killed by His own people for no legitimate reason, providing a perfect sacrifice that would pay once for all the price of sin.  And Jesus rose again, bringing victory over death and sin for all mankind and leaving for us the hope of a restored relationship with God as well as the power of God Himself via the Holy Spirit.

That's the gospel Hope.  That's the message the Church is sent to share.  That's the lifelong journey of discovering the power of God in our lives to affect change, what takes a monster like Saul and transforms him into the most prolific writer of the New Testament.  That's what takes a prideful, highly opinionated, attention seeking jerk and begins to transform him into someone who is more patient and compassionate (and I'm still working on the pride and appropriate deliverance of opinions).  That's what takes any and every person who will accept their need for salvation from their brokenness, believe in Jesus's death and resurrection, and confess their own sin before a holy God and be brought into a glorious new life for the immediate, for the future life on earth, and for the eternal life after death.

For the believer, we are told in 1 John 4 that perfect love casts out fear.  And so we must meditate on the love of God.  And we have to encourage one another in that way.  The promises of God are not always fulfilled the way we want, but that goes back to Who has authority in our lives.  "Not my will, but Yours be done."  Is this easy?  No, not always.  But open any part of the Bible and you will see both the faithfulness of God and the need of man to depend on Him.  This is why we need each other, why God appointed the church as the primary medium of His mission, because we need others to help us pursue God.

I could go on and on but instead, I will end with three things:

First, if you don't buy into the whole Jesus thing, then ask me questions about what you don't like.  I won't pretend to have all the answers to every single thing that comes up, but also the answers I will give you will come from the authority of Scripture, not just out of my own head.

Second, if you do believe but you are struggling, reach out, to me or someone else.  This pandemic has been awful for some and not so bad for others, but even without that added in, we are not meant to navigate life in isolation (physically we may be isolated, but technology allows us to make some connection).

Finally, wherever you fall, consider how fear may be playing in to the way you are currently living/acting/posting on social media.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it's also very manipulative.  Read primary source materials, not just headlines.  Look at the research, not the interpretation of the research.  Recognize that no one knows everything about what is going on.  Consider the golden rule of treating others the way you would want to be treated, regardless of if they treat you that way.

Getting back to the light

So I did a little research to see if there were any tips for getting your body off of night shift and guys, it turns out that night shift is bad for you!  How did I miss out on that little detail!  I did nights at Wal-Mart for 7 weeks but that was also like 6 months after Camz died so all of that was a hard point in life anyway, but hey! my going crazy is more legitimate than I wanted to give credit!  And then you add forced social isolation and a job that didn't require talking even though there are people around (like literally I would say I made three work friends and I don't know any of their names) and hey! your losing your mind is extremely circumstantial!

I've been in a peculiar dark place for the past couple weeks.  There have been ups and downs through the past few months but I wonder if I had not quit now, then how much further down I would have gotten. . . I still have no specific plan though I have some options presented, and as I pursue them I know God will make it clear which one(s) are for me to take.  But I've got to get back to living in the light of day, and I'm going to bite the bullet and try and stay up through most of today.  I can't stand the thought of another 8-10 hour chunk of time in the dark, alone, waiting for anyone to wake up in order to get the most meager of human connection through text messaging.

Last night I tried my best to sleep extra or at least stay in bed.  I stayed up pretty late (until like 12 or 1) so I didn't wake up until around 8 PM, but then around 10:30 I went and laid back down).  I didn't get back out of bed until 2, and I fell asleep twice which I know because of the dreams I had.  The first was one where we were moving into a new house.  There were no closets but lots of oddly designed armoires that opened from both sides. . . like most dreams, the physical layout of things didn't really make a lot of sense (like, a handful of steps up or down into each room, and I feel like I never got to the bottom floor of the place).  I was doing my best to organize things but not get too far because I knew that Camz would want to be a part of it, and especially with treatment knowing that any time to express control over using her brain power was an important thing for me to provide.  And so when she got there we got to doing the work, and it was going well, just looking through all the stuff and finding a place for everything, and then I woke up.

Those kinds of dreams aren't super common for me, at least not lately; the last couple have been much worse because usually I'm trying to get somewhere but I have a problem navigating the roads, and then when I get to whatever location it is it turns out I had been making my way to her funeral.  I've had that dream twice in the past three months, I think this has been the only time in recent past where she's been alive in a dream.  (The second dream was much less interesting, I was just going to some public park and fighting with people about wearing masks, but it was just as clear/realistic)

And then finally I wake up for real to reality, to coronalife, to unemployment, to 2 AM.

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Clinging desperately to vv. 11-12:

Psalm 77 (MSG)
1-6 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.   I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.  When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,” I didn’t believe a word they said.  I remember God—and shake my head.  I bow my head—then wring my hands.  I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me.  I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by.  I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?  Will he never smile again?  Is his love worn threadbare?  Has his salvation promise burned out?  Has God forgotten his manners?  Has he angrily stalked off and left us?  “Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.”

11-12 Once again I’ll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy! No god is great like God!  You’re the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what you can do—  You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God, saw you and trembled with fear;  Deep Ocean was scared to death.  Clouds belched buckets of rain, Sky exploded with thunder, your arrows flashing this way and that.  From Whirlwind came your thundering voice, Lightning exposed the world, Earth reeled and rocked.  You strode right through Ocean, walked straight through roaring Ocean, but nobody saw you come or go.

20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron, You led your people like a flock of sheep.

three failed attempts

My first name for this post was going to be "waking up from the nightmare" but the idea of calling the past three months a nightmare seems to pessimistic, and also coronalife is not over by any means.

My second name for this post was going to be "waking up from the fever dream" but with fever being a symptom of corona and also figuring out that waking up makes it sound like the past few months were not reality.  And certainly there is an unreality about it all, but the fact is that all of it has really happened.

My third name for this post was going to be "the shifting sands of time" which is a play on living a night shift life but then there's like a sahara desert sand cloud thing coming?? (which PS I know is actually not only normal but also a good thing for hurricane season but still)

So. . . three failed attempts it is.

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God has been very good in the past few months, and so I struggle with not wanting to complain about being provided for but also recognizing that there is an aspect of un-sustainability that is coming to a head.  I don't know that I will be able to completely articulate everything concisely but I also don't want to continue to let the streak of not writing and keeping everything as an inner one-sided dialogue as that has been pretty much my life for most of this weird existence.  I recognize that all humans are social creatures, and I've had my first real tastes of spending time with people again.  I've heard laugher come out of my body that almost sounded foreign, not because I have been in some horrible dark place but because it was actually mixed with other human voices.

And so, a little update.

My tenure at Amazon is coming to an end, primarily because I cannot do night shift in combination with church and gigs, and a close second being that the job is starting to hurt my hands regularly (as in, my left index finger has not stopped hurting since mid May, and even now, my last shift having been Friday night into Saturday morning as I took Saturday off in order to be somewhat functional for Sunday morning's first gathering, both hands ache when I make a fist).  But it's the first one I need to record, at the very least for myself, so that when I look back in a couple weeks and realize that I'm quitting a job in a climate where financial security is totally gone, that there is legitimate reasons and also God's hand of provision is here, though I can't see exactly what the next step is at this precise moment.

The first few weeks of work are a blur, partially because I was 100% on survival mode and partially because I was choosing to do 4-5 shifts a week.  I think I worked like three weeks in a row of close to 60 hours.  I literally have no idea how I did it.  The job itself isn't horrible, but I have to remember the salt in this sentence because the job as it is supposed to be isn't horrible.  That has only represented about 20-25% of the shifts.  Most of the time there has been shenanigans, sometimes little ones and sometimes big ones.  Thankfully the past couple weeks have been mostly good, and I have high hopes for this final weekend.

But. . .

Night shift is having grand emotional and physical repercussions.  I could not tell you what has happened any given Sunday night, because I spend more of it in half conscious or unconscious states than conscious ones.  Even just now, so Sunday was church and I woke up around 7 PM but I didn't get out of bed until like 9, and then slept on and off from 11-2 before I finally was fully awake.  And then I had my first gig since March Monday morning at 10 AM, so I got home late again and woke up around the same time as Sunday.  About an hour ago (so like just after midnight) I finally have sense of my brain and where I am.  I went back and forth between my recliner and my bed, lights on, youtube playing, in and out of consciousness and the added fun of sleep paralysis the past three weeks!  Or maybe four, definitely and particularly bad the past two either way.  I'm not sure what's the symptom and what's the cause (am I falling apart because of night shift?  or is the thought of getting off of night shift causing my body to rebel?) but I'm definitely over it.

Related, I didn't realize how much of my internalizing my thoughts about this different work life was drawing inspiration from Steven King's IT.  Like. . . my hands! mirroring Kay (friend of Beverly) who gets attacked and spills the beans when her face is threatened with a sharp object. . . or "SHENANIGANS" like how Richie puts trademark phrases.

I don't know.  I'm rambling a little but basically I'm getting off of night shift starting next week, which is really the point of this all.

I didn't realize I was earning PTO, being a seasonal hourly employee.  But there were lots of changes made when they hired the corona force, and that was one of the benefits.  So I was able to take the Saturday's off that I needed to in order to be present physically, emotionally, and mentally for Sunday mornings.  My last day there is this Friday, so happy early birthday to me.

Psalm 119:89-96 (MSG)

What you say goes, God,
    and stays, as permanent as the heavens.
Your truth never goes out of fashion;
    it’s as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.
Your Word and truth are dependable as ever;
    that’s what you ordered—you set the earth going.
If your revelation hadn’t delighted me so,
    I would have given up when the hard times came.
But I’ll never forget the advice you gave me;
    you saved my life with those wise words.
Save me! I’m all yours.
    I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me,
    but I’m only concerned with your plans for me.
I see the limits to everything human,
    but the horizons can’t contain your commands!

I've meant to write. . .

. . . and I knew that if I didn't I would lose some pieces of thought.  Which, that is not the end of the world, but suddenly it is June and I have been I don't know where.  So, some of the tattered pieces I'm trying to keep from flying away completely:

Is this transitionally going to the apartment or going back home?
Related, new normal is not quite yet; we are going to be transitional for a while.

When things are working out too perfectly in timing, it is likely that it is not from my brain or my doing.

My heart hurts for the world, for this country, for the insanity perpetuated onto other human beings.

God is good and God does good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Romans 8:18-39 (MSG)
That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

o, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

where is the wind?

Mood swings.

I'm sure I've talked about them before.  But I think there are many people who may be facing them for the first time because of the situation coronavirus has put us in.  And sometimes just recognizing what's going on emotionally is what allows us to take the first steps forward instead of just stagnating.

Because the thing is, we don't have to let our emotions control us.  In the same breath we also have to understand that we don't have complete control over our emotions, especially in a time of crisis.  So instead, one thing we can do is redefine our approach to emotions- rather than seeing the emotions as inherently positive or negative, we can see that our response to emotions can be negative or positive.  Anger can be positive (like standing up for the rights of mistreated individuals); happiness can be negative (like rejoicing at the closure of a rival's business).

For me, there's some sadness this week.  I should have ran a half marathon last Saturday, and I had been training for several weeks before the virus shut everything down.  I should have been opening a cabaret tomorrow night, one of my favorite gigs because it's low time/high risk/high reward.  The magic of making music with old and new faces in a short period of time is unique and exciting and I miss it.  I could react to these both in a number of ways, but:

- I am choosing to recognize that God's timing of putting me in the midst of training put me in a good physical place to make a pretty seamless transition into a physically demanding job.

- I am choosing to see that I may be getting good at making boxes for people but I'm much better at making music with people.

- I am choosing to see the temporary nature of the situation and to both cherish the memories of what I have been able to experience and look forward with greater appreciation to the time where I will get to perform and collaborate again.

These choices don't make the sadness not sad- they make the sadness not negative.



The realm of the mind I think is also the realm of the spiritual. . . I don't have time to flesh all this out right now but these three passages (but particularly Romans 12:2) is the beginning of that conversation.

Galatians 5:16-24
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Romans 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know if I expressed it here or somewhere else or just internally but soon after all this corona stuff started, for a couple weeks, the phrase I kept coming back to was "yeah I've been through hard times but this is not inspiring me to overcome; this is just taking the wind out of my sails."

What I've realized over the past few days is that it wasn't the wind that was taken.  I had taken down my sails because the wind shifted.

My wife often said, "I feel God in the wind," enough so that I was gifted wind chimes after her death with a similar sentiment etched onto the paddle.  I am having to remind myself that there's so much more than the what-is-in-front-of-me.  There are no accidents and there are no coincidences.  There is some value in physical training but value for all things in godliness, both the present and the future (1 Tim 4:8).

So I'm putting my sails back up, because I know Who controls the winds and the sea.

time is bendy

A few unfinished thoughts but I'm trying my best to keep putting something down so that my brain doesn't drown and/or just put things into the already overfull "we can think about this later" bin.

I proposed seven years ago (I was going to say today which seems true for me but technically it is yesterday now, Star Wars day, May the Fourth be with you, which is not why I did on that day, in fact it was literally that the jewelry shop let me know that the ring resizing for the engagement ring was finished and I literally dropped everything and picked it up and met with Cam's dad for lunch to ask permission to marry her and then picked her up and took her to Beresford where we had our first serious conversation and anyway it certainly made it easy to remember the date).  Since that day, I went through a life where we were planning a long life together with a long engagement and a summer to honeymoon and find a house and take our time to do all the things.  I then went through a life of returned cancer in a mass in her sternum and treatment plans that started after Thanksgiving and moving and downsizing the wedding because there were three weeks of relative freedom from treatment and planning to do a big party celebration later.  Then there was Bone Marrow Transplant Life that I still can't wrap my mind around, both the process and even the coming home and becoming an untrained health care provider and cleaning all the things.  And then there was the life immediately after her death and trying hard to follow God but also just trying to survive and now I'm in Jacksonville.  And then there's been the past five years of living here and being a performer and a pastor and I'm still not really sure what I'm doing in either of those worlds.  And now there's coronalife where I am working nightshift and wondering when this will all end and knowing that it won't "end" as much as it will slowly fizzle into an ultimate new normal that should last a good long while once this pandemic is under control.

So six lives in seven years.  Pretty soon I'm going to be a cat.

The other thing is a couple days ago at work I had my first physical contact since this all happened.  It was not anything crazy, I went to ask the rebin guy if he had seen sewing needles and between masks and wearing ear plugs and it's just loud in the warehouse he said "huh?" and put his arm around my shoulders as he leaned in to hear what I was saying.  He was an older guy, it was a perfectly normal and somewhat fatherly gesture, and in any other circumstance I probably wouldn't have even seen it on my radar.  But I had several reactions in a short period: comfort, concern, aversion, confusion about all of the previous.  I'm a touch person, and in the correct context, even a stranger's touch is not anywhere near a red flag in my mind.  But touch during this pandemic where we are told we are supposed to stay six feet apart (which even with the independent nature of as well as the physical distribution of people in my job is still almost impossible) is a strange thing.

And also related to that last thought, I bought a weighted blanket, and I love it, but it's strange.  It certainly isn't human but it gives me a similar sensation to ASMR, except all over, and if I'm under it for a long time and then go to stand up I don't have complete control of my physical facilities for a little bit, which I sort of don't like.  So it's nice to be under the blanket and just stay there, and I'm having to learn to only use it when I don't have to do much but sit in my recliner (whether I am working on my computer or on the phone or whatever.  I made the mistake of getting under it before a shift and I was not ok until at least an hour into work).

I guess I'm looking forward to having two days off?  I'm looking forward to not having responsibilities tomorrow at least.  And I ended up as a down stacker so my body will appreciate two days to recover.

I had to go back and add more to this

*I tried to write last night but perhaps I should have waited since Sunday has been a recovery day for me for the past few weeks.  But anyway, I feel like I didn't get much accomplished so I'm just going back and adding some clarifying statements.

So I'm not quite to the timeline post yet but. . .

I have four days off for the first time since like March 10th.  I am also reexperiencing what I thought were sinus pressure/allergy related aches right below my eyes but since they are coming back and all I have is time in front of me until Thursday. I haven't had said aches at work even a few weeks ago, and that leads me to believe that they are stress aches, which brings me to this:

I hate to admit it to myself but working like a crazy person has just been good excuse to face the (lack of) music.

Today I should have been playing juries at UNF.  Last week was a couple recitals and finals week at JU.  May is a few days away.  Just trying to think through one of those things brings up a big 404-error in my brain and I don't quite know how to get past it at the moment.  Perhaps it's a defense mechanism?  Dissociation is a way for the brain to protect itself, but this is different than anything I have ever felt before.  And definitely the physical symptom is unnerving.  I realize this pandemic is a once in a lifetime thing, there's no guidebook to what is happening and so I don't have answers but I do have this to stimulate me hopefully in the next couple days-

Saturday's shift had the epitome of both worlds:

I felt accomplished for the first time in five weeks.  I ended up fixing four sections of wall that were "out of sequence" which basically meant all the produce was there but in random chutes, so I got to play scavenger hunt.  I got in at 18:15 and at 00:04 I had both walls up to snuff.  I threw my hands up in success!!.... . and nobody really cared.  And thankfully from midnight until the end of shift I had constant product on a bunch of different walls (21, then 8, 3, 5, 1, 11, 18. . . all within less than five hours which is a little silly).

If this job were always that second half, just boxing product in place, I would never think it's a chore. I guess I'm thankful for the more than average nights where I get moved around or doing singles or induct or whatever?  I don't know.

And really the point of all this: work goes Provedincially fast no matter what, but not thinking is such a big part of that that for the first time I really had to think, it went so slowly.
Related, I think this is why my normal musician life has less of this feeling of "12 hour days go fast!" because thankfully these Amazon shifts don't feel awful but the weird sense of 12 hours of music v. packing boxes are so different.  Meaningful v. meaninglessness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man or God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.

We're going to miss our show

So I still haven't completed my timeline, but I do know that I am currently at the end of four full weeks/in the middle of the fifth week at Amazon (I started March 26 but my work week starts on Thursday so I don't know which way I prefer to think of it).  And that is insane.  As always in these things, it feels both not long enough and also like what other life did I ever live before this?

Let's go on a journey, a journey throughout time- a time that's changing all the time, it's time to go to time.

It's not a bad job.  I said that I could do it as long as I need and I still stand by that, but at the moment I'm imaging that July is when I will start to get back to "real life."  What makes this whole situation we are all in so difficult to deal with is that there is no definite end date yet.  And even more so, that "definite" end date is not "hey everything is back to how it was!"  It's simply not going to go back to that.  Even as we open things back up, there will be ripples and echoes of what we are doing now.

At the first in person church, will we be wearing masks?

Will we be performing recitals capped not by the seats in the hall but by how we can social distance in the space?

How can those who are untested and without symptoms move about confidently without fear of accidentally spreading the virus should they be contagious but asymptomatic, and how will that change the social approach of life?  Do we get white C's for those who are officially out of the disease and those who haven't been tested red U's?

The last is a little extreme.  But just some interesting thoughts.



Unrelated, but something I never noticed before:

Titus 2:11-14
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

We get the benefit, but God gets the glory, and that's pretty cool.

politics v. faith, in light of the virus

For the Christian, the coronavirus and your response to it should not be primarily a political issue. It is a Gospel issue.

This in the context of what we are facing is what I've been wrestling with:

Titus 3:1-2, 8-9
Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. . . the saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.

So for those followers of Jesus reading this, here are some verses to consider as we face the next few weeks (all emphasis mine throughout):

Romans 13:1-2
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.

These are God's words, given to us in order to see His glory in all things.  Looking at this passage, it is NOT saying that if the government tells us to do something that is against God's commands to us, we should submit anyway.  This Scripture has been used out of context throughout history and I don't want to make that same fault.
However. . .
Paul is talking to believers dealing with a political climate in which they could be persecuted and die for living out their faith.  In contrast, we are being asked to stay in our homes for a few weeks.  If we believe God is sovereign, then we need to recognize that He holds our entire life in His hands- our livelihoods, our families, our country, everything.  He provides everything we need and blesses us beyond that.  So we don't have to live in fear of what is going on; I am currently working in an environment where the virus has been confirmed in peoples' lives, but I'm not afraid of the virus because I know who holds my future!  I also know He gave me a brain and I do not want to be a contributing factor to spreading this virus before we as finite humans can understand what's happening.  So as much as I hate wearing a mask and avoiding human contact, I have to trust that God is accomplishing what He desires for my life.  Part of that is submitting to and recognizing God's ultimate sovereignty, and a part of that sovereignty is in those people who have been put in place as governing authorities above us.
This passage goes on to say-

Romans 13:3-7
Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.  For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Whether or not we agree with the city counsel, mayor, state governor, or our President is irrelevant.  Personal beliefs are not greater than God's sovereignty in the people who are currently in place making decisions.  The desire for preserving American freedom is a good thing (I mean, our government is not arresting us for online church!), but we must also remember the true freedom that we have been given in Christ-

1 Peter 2:13-17
Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.  Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

Peter here does not give an out.  If anything. the out here is the will of God, and His will is that we do good in spite of what is going on.  He makes the statement of "honor everyone" and then re-emphasizes "honor the emperor."  Perhaps this is because we are in the flesh so apt to judge the persons put in charge of our government?

Also, I don't think the context is accidental here-

1 Peter 2:9-12
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.  Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

As Christians we ought to be living a life that contrasts the people around us.  We know the end of this story, whether Jesus comes back or what awaits us at our last breath.  We should have confidence in the hope of resurrection with Christ.  And what that means for us in this moment is that we should be willing and burdened to share the hope of the Gospel with people who are anxious, depressed, hopeless without any way to look at the short-term reality of coronavirus life.  We should be seen as calm, secure, and confident in the God of the universe Who holds every moment of our lives.  The last bit definitely harkens back to the sermon on the mount when Jesus says "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

I understand that this is tough, because "my choice to go hang out with family and friends, to protest, to live my life the way I know is best is not a bad thing- it's simply my right as an American!" Yes, it is our "right" as American citizens.  But let us not forget that we are ultimately citizens of heaven.  To openly defy government orders that ultimately do not go against God's commands in our lives is not right in light of all the Scriptural evidence above.  But I get it.  We want to be able to plan our lives, to anticipate the end of this virus, to go out and be human again; but James addresses this concept-

James 4:13-16
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 

Is life difficult at the moment?  Yes, absolutely.  So much.  I can certainly say that my personal and professional lives have been completely upended.  I'm not alone in this.  But God has provided for me in His sovereignty so that I can continue life in the way He desires, and I'm learning what my desire for physicality and His provision of His grace and presence really means.

So. . . what can we do?

In being submissive: to follow the social orders being subjected on us, to recognize that our personal freedoms are not more important than the greater good as we consider Christ's attitude toward the cross (not my will but Yours be done)

In obeying God: to not let this virus allow us to fall into easy sinful behaviors that would otherwise not be accessible except in slowing doing or isolation, and to see God's hand in the decisions that don't jive with our predispositions

In readying for good works: to reach out to our neighbors, our families, our coworkers with the hope of the Gospel and providing physical needs in their dire situations, giving glory to God for our ability to provide and also in His providence to serve them and tell them of His glory and hope

This resource has been really helpful for me: https://www.desiringgod.org/books/coronavirus-and-christ

As you post on social media, as you make choices for your family, as you respond to the next steps we take in this corona climate, remember Who is in control of all of this.

For the Christian, the coronavirus and your response to it should not be primarily a political issue. It is a Gospel issue.

This in the context of what we are facing is what I've been wrestling with:

Titus 3:1-2, 8-9

Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. . . the saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.

So for those followers of Jesus reading this, here are some verses to consider as we face the next few weeks (all emphasis mine throughout):

Romans 13:1-2

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.

These are God's words, given to us in order to see His glory in all things.  Looking at this passage, it is NOT saying that if the government tells us to do something that is against God's commands to us, we should submit anyway.  This Scripture has been used out of context throughout history and I don't want to make that same fault.

However. . . 

Paul is talking to believers dealing with a political climate in which they could be persecuted and die for living out their faith.  In contrast, we are being asked to stay in our homes for a few weeks.  If we believe God is sovereign, then we need to recognize that He holds our entire life in His hands- our livelihoods, our families, our country, everything.  He provides everything we need and blesses us beyond that.  So we don't have to live in fear of what is going on; I am currently working in an environment where the virus has been confirmed in peoples' lives, but I'm not afraid of the virus because I know who holds my future!  I also know He gave me a brain and I do not want to be a contributing factor to spreading this virus before we as finite humans can understand what's happening.  So as much as I hate wearing a mask and avoiding human contact, I have to trust that God is accomplishing what He desires for my life.  Part of that is submitting to and recognizing God's ultimate sovereignty, and a part of that sovereignty is in those people who have been put in place as governing authorities above us.

This passage goes on to say-

Romans 13:3-7

Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.  For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

Whether or not we agree with the city counsel, mayor, state governor, or our President is irrelevant.  Personal beliefs are not greater than God's sovereignty in the people who are currently in place making decisions.  The desire for preserving American freedom is a good thing (I mean, our government is not arresting us for online church!), but we must also remember the true freedom that we have been given in Christ-

1 Peter 2:13-17

Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.  Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

Peter here does not give an out.  If anything. the out here is the will of God, and His will is that we do good in spite of what is going on.  He makes the statement of "honor everyone" and then re-emphasizes "honor the emperor."  Perhaps this is because we are in the flesh so apt to judge the persons put in charge of our government?

Also, I don't think the context is accidental here-

1 Peter 2:9-12

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.  Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

As Christians we ought to be living a life that contrasts the people around us.  We know the end of this story, whether Jesus comes back or what awaits us at our last breath.  We should have confidence in the hope of resurrection with Christ.  And what that means for us in this moment is that we should be willing and burdened to share the hope of the Gospel with people who are anxious, depressed, hopeless without any way to look at the short-term reality of coronavirus life.  We should be seen as calm, secure, and confident in the God of the universe Who holds every moment of our lives.  The last bit definitely harkens back to the sermon on the mount when Jesus says "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

I understand that this is tough, because "my choice to go hang out with family and friends, to protest, to live my life the way I know is best is not a bad thing- it's simply my right as an American!" Yes, it is our "right" as American citizens.  But let us not forget that we are ultimately citizens of heaven.  To openly defy government orders that do not go against God's commands in our lives is not right in light of all the Scriptural evidence above.  But I get it.  We want to be able to plan our lives, to anticipate the end of this virus, to go out and be human again; but James addresses this concept-

James 4:13-16

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 

Is life difficult at the moment?  Yes, absolutely.  So much. I haven't had a real hug/significant human physical contact since March 24, which between extroversion and being a touchy person is insane, and financially I'm out several thousand dollars in gigs at the moment (only March and April cancellations currently and May isn't looking good).  I know I'm not alone in this.  But God has provided for me in His sovereignty so that I can continue life in the way He desires, and I'm learning what my desire for physicality and His provision of His grace and presence really means.

So. . . what can we do?

In being submissive: to follow the social orders being subjected on us, to recognize that our personal freedoms are not more important than the greater good as we consider Christ's attitude toward the cross (not my will but Yours be done)

In obeying God: to not let this virus allow us to fall into easy sinful behaviors that would otherwise not be accessible except in slowing doing or isolation, and to see God's hand in the decisions that don't jive with our predispositions

In readying for good works: to reach out to our neighbors, our families, our coworkers with the hope of the Gospel and providing physical needs in their dire situations, giving glory to God for our ability to provide and also in His providence to serve them and tell them of His glory and hope

This resource has been really helpful for me: https://www.desiringgod.org/books/coronavirus-and-christ

As you post on social media, as you make choices for your family, as you respond to the next steps we take in this corona climate, remember Who is in control of all of this.

Some random thoughts

Work affords me a lot of introspection to a point. . .but nothing made to completion.  So here are some random unfinished thoughts about work.

- Amazon is going well.  I'm thankful for something to do, but I also know that it's keeping me from facing all of reality; I'm still floating a bit.  I'd rather not be but also I know it's an emotional defense mechanism.

- I feel like part of why I'm doing well enough at this job is because I'm a musician and I understand intrinsically how practicing works.  You do things repeatedly at a slow speed and gradually increase the tempo. . . and after you're at a solid place you go back and do it slow again to reinforce the goodness. . .

- My immediate arrow prayer life is greatly enhanced.  Silly things like thanking God that I grabbed enough dunnage or recognizing the provision of boxes when I wasn't looking for it.  My long term prayer life goes in and out.  The time I notice the most is in the days off when the rest of the world sleeps, it happens around 12/1 AM.  I've realized that I just do what I have to or try and just pass the time with distractions instead of using at least some of the quiet time to really reflect and connect.  But I am praying so much at work that it's not like it's not happening at all?  I dunno.

- Honestly I wonder if the speed of the shifts and my positive attitude towards is all is really just the peace that passes all understanding.

Investing in the heart bank

I said last night that my heart didn't have the correct currency.  You know what heart change is?

Repentance.

Psalm 25
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.  O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me, Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths,  Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.

Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old.  Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way.  He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.  All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

For your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.  Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.  His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land.  The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.  My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses.  Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.  Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me.  Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!  Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.  May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.



My hope doesn't lie in job or financial security, or health, or how many friends I have, or my reputation, or my ability to keep pushing forward.  My hope lies in Jesus, who saved me from my inability to save myself, who made a way for me to be able to connect directly with God through his righteousness, who is preparing a place for me at the end of this life whenever it comes, who works in me currently as I work out my salvation.

The beginning of the struggle

I started a timeline since all this  but it's proving to be harder than I expected.  It's mostly for me, and partially for posterity's sake, and so I'll work on it again tomorrow.

So, I'm really struggling.  I haven't let myself just let it out and weep, mostly because the handful of times it has come up as a possibility the timing just is horrible.  And also I probably have always bottled things up in this way my whole life and just use circumstances to make convenient excuses.  I don't have any real perspective on the past few weeks (hence trying to make a timeline).  But I know the lack of real human contact is already wearing heavily on me, and I have at least the rest of this month to look forward to having more of the same nothing.  Between my extroversion and my physicality this is pretty much hell on earthfor me .  I have two days off and I'm already itchy because I know I have very little to do tomorrow and Wednesday will be ok because I will be able to keep busy with things to do for church for most of the time I'm awake but am I ready to accept that that really is the existence I will have to embrace for at least a few weeks?  

My brain has lots of great things to offer:

God is in control.

This is temporary.

There's more to life than just the immediate circumstances.

You've been through difficult times before.

Isolation is not what it seems.

Perceived lack is often a lie.

God is your portion.

Unfortunately at the moment my heart just doesn't have the right currency to buy any of it.

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From The Journal of Biblical Counseling 29:3 (2015), an article by Pierce Taylor Hibbs entitled "Panic and the Personal God"- 

There is a problem, however. . . we don’t always recognize God’s presence in creation. . . even though we are personal beings who were made by a personal God and live in God’s personal world, our sin blinds and deafens us. It alienates us and makes us feel like the world is cold and when God speaks creation into existence, he marks it with his presence. We need the Spirit to remove the scales from our eyes, to unstop our ears, to loosen our tongues, to help us recognize that every part of the world is marked by the presence of a personal God. . .  All are comprised of molecules and minerals created by God. And all these things are intrinsically personal because they were made and are sustained by the tripersonal God of the Bible.  God never leaves us with only water and waves. When anxiety and panic creep into your mind and heart, remember that God speaks to you…everywhere.  Look around. Every fiber of creation is a gift personally designed by God for his children. A rock, a window, a car, a couch cushion—they all exist because of the God who knows your name. The whole world is filled with objects that point back to him. That God, your God, is everywhere, personally present in what he has made.  That means he is with you and me, even when we feel as if we are by ourselves. And he is with us not just through the things that he has made. He also communicates to us in Scripture and he invites us to communicate with him in prayer.

So. . . I'm gonna go for a walk.

a few long-ish thoughts

I am four days into my new Amazonian adventure.  It's been mostly a positive experience, and it's definitely made me think.  Rather, it has given me lots of opportunity to think, partially because my job does not require a lot of needed human interaction as I am standing in one place and filling boxes with product, and partially because it is loud in there so I am choosing to wear earplugs.  All that coupled with mindless work means an optimized thinking conditions for me.  I don't think I can pull this into any type of narrative at the moment but I at least want to bullet point some thoughts before they get pushed around by even more thoughts.

- This has been a nice respite/escape from all the coronavirus stuff.  Well, minus the fact that we are required to stay 6 feet away from each other and hand sanitizer is EVERYWHERE.  But the flip side of this is I think it makes this job easier to do because you aren't getting in each other's way at all.

- God is teaching me again what it means to be grateful.  The work I'm doing isn't bad, and it goes by quickly (more on that in a moment), and it's paying decently well considering it doesn't require any kind of special skill.  Just grab the box, tape it, scan the items, fill and seal the box, and send it down the line.  But I am constantly finding ways to be thankful, whether it's finally getting a difficult scan to take, or getting things right on the first try, or honestly just being able to look forward to doing something close to normal.

- I've had 11 hour shifts, and will go to 12 hour ones in a couple weeks (we're getting mandated overtime so they are making each individual shift a little shorter).  The time flies by for me I think for two reasons.  First, it stays busy for the most part.  I'm not really aware of time until someone comes by to announce when the break is coming, typically with a half hour heads up.  Related, I'm used to 12+ hour days this time of year anyway, so even though it's overnight, it's still just 12 hours.  But second, I think it's because the work is not meaningful.  A 15 hour day of making music feels much longer but in (most of) the best ways.  A half hour rehearsal can be an incredible experience; filling 125 boxes in a half hour is basically meaningless.

- Some people would say "well, at least you are learning to do some hard work."  That attitude is fascinating to me.  What I would rather be doing is much harder work, not even in the sense of I've been playing piano for over 20 years and so I have a specialized skill, but in actually making music.  Lots of people can play instruments or sing, but to make it into art requires much more than standing on your feet and filling boxes for 12 hours.

- I miss people.  Thankfully I have some regular in-person interaction with a couple important people which is really out of necessity but is also a nice perk during this climate of social distancing, but when I think about how my life was just a few short weeks ago, I spend intimate (I have no better word for it, but making music and rehearing with people is an inherently "intimate" situation) time with 8-10 people on a low day, and upwards of 30 on busier days.  And that's almost every day in the spring semester.  My entire professional life is linked to extreme extroversion, and that has been one of the hardest things for me about the past couple yearweeks.

- Because I get home around sunrise, I get to hear the birds, and that's super fun.  I forgot about how much morning air can be enjoyed (outside of running, which is on hold until I get used to being on my feet like this).  Also see gratefulness concept from above.



None of these are fully fleshed out but I wanted to get something out of my head before they all inflate beyond recognition.

the axis breakers

(a little reveal behind the curtains- when I set myself to write, I usually try to get all the way to the completion of a thought before I really start writing.  Often as I write I find some things along the way, but the destination is set, whether I'm there or just aiming myself there.  There are times where I hope to write in order to find the way, but I know that can get me into trouble because then I think I have "completed the cycle."  So all that being said, I'm glad I completed the cycle before I started writing this)

This coronavirus has really thrown wrenches into our way of life, hasn't it?  I was at Disney a week ago; today I am transitioning my body to get ready for a night shift job.  Who let this happen??

In all seriousness, the first few days of last week were rough, and I know not only for me.  I was having problems figuring out what I was experiencing emotionally (which is no surprise) but I finally figured out two things that were familiar.  First, there was the sense of hurricane-panic.  Stores empty of things, but yet I would walk outside and there wasn't a weather apocalypse, so it was confusing (and sometimes still is- I forget when I walk outside that it's a beautiful time of year to live in Florida).  The second feeling was the quarantine feeling.  Tuesday I finally figured out why I identified.

It was the feeling of BMT land.

Sitting in that hospital room.  Looking at a calendar daily with blood statistics.  Doing the daily mile of 11 laps around the horseshoe.  Stuck.  Surrounded by mini-chaos.  Constantly washing hands.  It is staggering (probably because of the medical side of things, not wanting to spread infections) how similar it is, functionally and emotionally.  I've stolen the term but it's this idea of axis break.  You don't know what direction to go because the compass has stopped working.  The axis you thought you could rely on is ripped out from under you and what do you do now?

Because of reliving this, and also recognizing that I've already had a great enough axis break with Cam dying (and really, I'm still putting that back together, how am I supposed to deal with another broken axis?), I almost let despair get to me.  Thursday someone said "well, we'll get through this" and my first thought was "will I?"  That is when I realized how low I had gotten.

I've lost enough potential work that I'm now working for Amazon.
I don't really know when I will get to collaborate in person again after this week.
If I were to get sick, would the government actually pay my medical bills?

These are the things my eyes were fixed on.

But thank God for His indescribable love and perfect timing.

Friday we recorded the sermon for this past Sunday (of which the video will be below, sermon starts at 18:20) and it was the completion of the thought, the action needed to fight the despair.

Psalm 46:
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.  God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.  The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth.  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.
 “Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations,  I will be exalted in the earth!"  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

We can fully trust in our God.  My prayer mantra lately has been "this is crazy but You are sovereign."  I've been saying it over and over, knowing it to be true and trying to get my heart to believe it.  I'm still struggling but I do know that God is in this, this isn't a surprise, and there is glory for Him in this.  It's an awakening for many people, and that alone is enough.
We can behold the works of our God.  The earth is currently giving way.  But to focus on the chaos only brings despair.  That is not to say the problems should be ignored, but seeing them from a higher point of view keeps them from being the only point of view.
We must be still and know who God is.  Many of us are being forced to be still.  I know that I am bad about staying super busy.  I have always been this way.  But now we are all getting an opportunity to sit.  To breath.  To reflect.  To seek.  We can either embrace it or fight it.

So if your axis is broken, true north is Jesus.  Staying fixed on the Solid Rock is the only way to navigate this.

the old glove

It's funny how simply we fall into old patterns.  The ease of conversation and relationship supernaturally blossoms, as though the flow of time temporarily halted during the absence and then continues its flow upon reunion.  Small things, in some ways, and yet profoundly important.  Those who choose to continue downstream with you and those who took other paths, it's always surprising, but at this point in my life it is not new.

So this is just a reminder to myself, that even as I am open to those who join in on the journey, I can choose to put distance between people; and also, people can also do the same to me.

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I'm tired.  I've almost made it through the first onslaught of the spring semester.  A little over a week and I will be on a spring break where I am actually able to take a real break.  There's still things to be done, music to be learned, but at least freed from a schedule and from the ever changing landscape of "making it work."  The rest is much needed.


Matthew 6:25-35 (MSG)
“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

 “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.