Getting back to the light

So I did a little research to see if there were any tips for getting your body off of night shift and guys, it turns out that night shift is bad for you!  How did I miss out on that little detail!  I did nights at Wal-Mart for 7 weeks but that was also like 6 months after Camz died so all of that was a hard point in life anyway, but hey! my going crazy is more legitimate than I wanted to give credit!  And then you add forced social isolation and a job that didn't require talking even though there are people around (like literally I would say I made three work friends and I don't know any of their names) and hey! your losing your mind is extremely circumstantial!

I've been in a peculiar dark place for the past couple weeks.  There have been ups and downs through the past few months but I wonder if I had not quit now, then how much further down I would have gotten. . . I still have no specific plan though I have some options presented, and as I pursue them I know God will make it clear which one(s) are for me to take.  But I've got to get back to living in the light of day, and I'm going to bite the bullet and try and stay up through most of today.  I can't stand the thought of another 8-10 hour chunk of time in the dark, alone, waiting for anyone to wake up in order to get the most meager of human connection through text messaging.

Last night I tried my best to sleep extra or at least stay in bed.  I stayed up pretty late (until like 12 or 1) so I didn't wake up until around 8 PM, but then around 10:30 I went and laid back down).  I didn't get back out of bed until 2, and I fell asleep twice which I know because of the dreams I had.  The first was one where we were moving into a new house.  There were no closets but lots of oddly designed armoires that opened from both sides. . . like most dreams, the physical layout of things didn't really make a lot of sense (like, a handful of steps up or down into each room, and I feel like I never got to the bottom floor of the place).  I was doing my best to organize things but not get too far because I knew that Camz would want to be a part of it, and especially with treatment knowing that any time to express control over using her brain power was an important thing for me to provide.  And so when she got there we got to doing the work, and it was going well, just looking through all the stuff and finding a place for everything, and then I woke up.

Those kinds of dreams aren't super common for me, at least not lately; the last couple have been much worse because usually I'm trying to get somewhere but I have a problem navigating the roads, and then when I get to whatever location it is it turns out I had been making my way to her funeral.  I've had that dream twice in the past three months, I think this has been the only time in recent past where she's been alive in a dream.  (The second dream was much less interesting, I was just going to some public park and fighting with people about wearing masks, but it was just as clear/realistic)

And then finally I wake up for real to reality, to coronalife, to unemployment, to 2 AM.

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Clinging desperately to vv. 11-12:

Psalm 77 (MSG)
1-6 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.   I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.  When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,” I didn’t believe a word they said.  I remember God—and shake my head.  I bow my head—then wring my hands.  I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me.  I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by.  I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?  Will he never smile again?  Is his love worn threadbare?  Has his salvation promise burned out?  Has God forgotten his manners?  Has he angrily stalked off and left us?  “Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.”

11-12 Once again I’ll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy! No god is great like God!  You’re the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what you can do—  You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God, saw you and trembled with fear;  Deep Ocean was scared to death.  Clouds belched buckets of rain, Sky exploded with thunder, your arrows flashing this way and that.  From Whirlwind came your thundering voice, Lightning exposed the world, Earth reeled and rocked.  You strode right through Ocean, walked straight through roaring Ocean, but nobody saw you come or go.

20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron, You led your people like a flock of sheep.