I have been awake around 4 AM for a couple weeks now (except for one or two nights where I was up too late), and today is no different.
What is different this year is that I feel today has been more of a weight on my mind and heart than the other years. If the anniversary of Cam's death is about the loss of her, then the anniversary of our wedding is about the loss of "us." Maybe it's because I'm past the fog and shock of the first couple years. Past the voice that constantly reminded me "in case you forgot, your wife died." Past the quagmire of indecision and survival mode.
We got to do lots of things. Four parks in one day. Holiday celebrations. Buying the perfect house with the harp ramp already existing in the garage. Visiting dinosaurs. Playing a show together. Celebrating weddings with far away friends. Holding new babies.
But there were also so many things we didn't get to. Adoption. College dreams. Travel plans. Sharing the gamut of experiences. And it's not just the "big" things. But not having the person to share in the daily struggles and victories, to offer new perspectives, to help her through difficult situations, to laugh off the overly-hyped people that try to infect their brand of crazy into your life, to share awkward glances across the room.
This day has always been a day full of activity the past three years, and this year is no different (just another 12 hour day in the spring semester). I'm never sure if that's a good thing or not, because it usually means I have no time to really sit and process, so it's probably a good thing that I'm awake so early and am able to do a little something.
2/15/2019
2/01/2019
Four years
Tomorrow is Groundhog's day, the holiday eternally associated with repeated days because of some silly movie in the 90's, a day that also repeats for me far too often. It's been four years since Cam died. I woke up around 5 this morning, which is fine, it happens, but I could not get myself back to sleep. Sometimes I step back and look at my life and go "what are you doing? what happened?" Other times I can confidently know that all of the steps that have gotten me here have been ordained by God, that that is really the only explanation, and there is comfort in that.
I've been in Jax since September 2015, and people still ask how I got here. I used to tell people that it was because I was pursuing a master's at Trinity, which was only partially true. But at this point I've graduated and so that rarely enters the conversation. Sometimes I tell people that it's because I landed the job at the university, which is not really true at all. I had planned on moving up here before I even secured a job. No, the truth is that I needed to move away. I couldn't sleep in our house anymore. Other circumstances were happening that would have driven me to make some kind of life change even if Cam had survived, or at least lived longer. I ran. And I've had the impulse to run further several times since I've been here, the most recent being December 2017, which I've written about a little bit. But I think that I don't answer the question of "why are you in Jax?" honestly because the answer from the human standpoint immediately dries up the conversation. It's not shame. . . but it's the closest thing I can think of right now that it feels like. Because unless it's someone asking some specific questions who comes in with some bit of knowledge, either through seeing things on facebook or whatever, the conversation stalls. I'm good at answering questions- I'm not good at just telling a story. At least not this story.
It's been four years and I still haven't figured out how to really have conversations about Cam with people, outside of people who reach out to me and/or people who knew her. What continues to boggle my mind (though maybe it shouldn't) is the random people who know me because of her up here in Jax. I played a recital a couple weekends ago and someone came up to me and was asking if I was Cam's husband.
Cam's husband. That's a role and an identity that I look at and it's still so blurry.
I never really know what to anticipate when this time of year comes around. Partially because I take so much time to process things, partially because it's a couple hits back to back with our anniversary being on the 15th, partially because this is when musician life really ramps up and I just have so little headspace to do much outside of keep my head above the sea of rep.
So I'm taking this moment to remind myself to be kind to myself for the next couple weeks.
I've been in Jax since September 2015, and people still ask how I got here. I used to tell people that it was because I was pursuing a master's at Trinity, which was only partially true. But at this point I've graduated and so that rarely enters the conversation. Sometimes I tell people that it's because I landed the job at the university, which is not really true at all. I had planned on moving up here before I even secured a job. No, the truth is that I needed to move away. I couldn't sleep in our house anymore. Other circumstances were happening that would have driven me to make some kind of life change even if Cam had survived, or at least lived longer. I ran. And I've had the impulse to run further several times since I've been here, the most recent being December 2017, which I've written about a little bit. But I think that I don't answer the question of "why are you in Jax?" honestly because the answer from the human standpoint immediately dries up the conversation. It's not shame. . . but it's the closest thing I can think of right now that it feels like. Because unless it's someone asking some specific questions who comes in with some bit of knowledge, either through seeing things on facebook or whatever, the conversation stalls. I'm good at answering questions- I'm not good at just telling a story. At least not this story.
It's been four years and I still haven't figured out how to really have conversations about Cam with people, outside of people who reach out to me and/or people who knew her. What continues to boggle my mind (though maybe it shouldn't) is the random people who know me because of her up here in Jax. I played a recital a couple weekends ago and someone came up to me and was asking if I was Cam's husband.
Cam's husband. That's a role and an identity that I look at and it's still so blurry.
I never really know what to anticipate when this time of year comes around. Partially because I take so much time to process things, partially because it's a couple hits back to back with our anniversary being on the 15th, partially because this is when musician life really ramps up and I just have so little headspace to do much outside of keep my head above the sea of rep.
So I'm taking this moment to remind myself to be kind to myself for the next couple weeks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
