A different anniversary

I have been awake around 4 AM for a couple weeks now (except for one or two nights where I was up too late), and today is no different.

What is different this year is that I feel today has been more of a weight on my mind and heart than the other years.  If the anniversary of Cam's death is about the loss of her, then the anniversary of our wedding is about the loss of "us."  Maybe it's because I'm past the fog and shock of the first couple years.  Past the voice that constantly reminded me "in case you forgot, your wife died."  Past the quagmire of indecision and survival mode.

We got to do lots of things.  Four parks in one day.  Holiday celebrations.  Buying the perfect house with the harp ramp already existing in the garage.  Visiting dinosaurs.  Playing a show together.  Celebrating weddings with far away friends.  Holding new babies.

But there were also so many things we didn't get to.  Adoption.  College dreams.  Travel plans.  Sharing the gamut of experiences.  And it's not just the "big" things.  But not having the person to share in the daily struggles and victories, to offer new perspectives, to help her through difficult situations, to laugh off the overly-hyped people that try to infect their brand of crazy into your life, to share awkward glances across the room.



This day has always been a day full of activity the past three years, and this year is no different (just another 12 hour day in the spring semester).  I'm never sure if that's a good thing or not, because it usually means I have no time to really sit and process, so it's probably a good thing that I'm awake so early and am able to do a little something.