The end of 2019

Something I’ve said in the past few days in various forms:

2019 was not supposed to be this way.

There’s many things swirling around my brain....but the one I am gonna put down tonight is this.  I think at some point in the past year, I transitioned into a stage that I thought I had already dealt with.  If you believe in the DABDA form of grief, then I think I’ve only been getting into the anger phase.  And there’s a lot of evidence to point to that- unfortunately I am posting on my phone so it’s hard to go back and cite specific writings, but if denial=the period of time where I would wake up and go “remember that you were married?” and couple that with the lack of being open to talk about Cam and I think it’s been several years of denial.  And reflecting back, particularly on the past six months, there’s definitely been some anger, whether justified or not, that I think is uncharacteristic of how I “normally” function.  And so it scares me a little bit if this is the case, as five years is approaching and that has already been a long haul.

So 2020 comes.  I have set formal resolutions some years, lately I’ve been picking a word to define the year, but I think for the current projection my focus has really got to be on health: physical, emotional, spiritual.

There are many other things, as there always are, and I am going to do my best to make myself write once a week, even if it only becomes short ramblings like this.  And while 2019 hasn’t all been terrible by any means (I recorded a CD a year ago!), I would not have expected to find myself in the place I am currently at.

This has been my encouraging place to live lately:

2 Corinthians 5
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.

He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always of good courage. 

We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.