the axis breakers

(a little reveal behind the curtains- when I set myself to write, I usually try to get all the way to the completion of a thought before I really start writing.  Often as I write I find some things along the way, but the destination is set, whether I'm there or just aiming myself there.  There are times where I hope to write in order to find the way, but I know that can get me into trouble because then I think I have "completed the cycle."  So all that being said, I'm glad I completed the cycle before I started writing this)

This coronavirus has really thrown wrenches into our way of life, hasn't it?  I was at Disney a week ago; today I am transitioning my body to get ready for a night shift job.  Who let this happen??

In all seriousness, the first few days of last week were rough, and I know not only for me.  I was having problems figuring out what I was experiencing emotionally (which is no surprise) but I finally figured out two things that were familiar.  First, there was the sense of hurricane-panic.  Stores empty of things, but yet I would walk outside and there wasn't a weather apocalypse, so it was confusing (and sometimes still is- I forget when I walk outside that it's a beautiful time of year to live in Florida).  The second feeling was the quarantine feeling.  Tuesday I finally figured out why I identified.

It was the feeling of BMT land.

Sitting in that hospital room.  Looking at a calendar daily with blood statistics.  Doing the daily mile of 11 laps around the horseshoe.  Stuck.  Surrounded by mini-chaos.  Constantly washing hands.  It is staggering (probably because of the medical side of things, not wanting to spread infections) how similar it is, functionally and emotionally.  I've stolen the term but it's this idea of axis break.  You don't know what direction to go because the compass has stopped working.  The axis you thought you could rely on is ripped out from under you and what do you do now?

Because of reliving this, and also recognizing that I've already had a great enough axis break with Cam dying (and really, I'm still putting that back together, how am I supposed to deal with another broken axis?), I almost let despair get to me.  Thursday someone said "well, we'll get through this" and my first thought was "will I?"  That is when I realized how low I had gotten.

I've lost enough potential work that I'm now working for Amazon.
I don't really know when I will get to collaborate in person again after this week.
If I were to get sick, would the government actually pay my medical bills?

These are the things my eyes were fixed on.

But thank God for His indescribable love and perfect timing.

Friday we recorded the sermon for this past Sunday (of which the video will be below, sermon starts at 18:20) and it was the completion of the thought, the action needed to fight the despair.

Psalm 46:
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.  God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.  The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth.  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.
 “Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations,  I will be exalted in the earth!"  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

We can fully trust in our God.  My prayer mantra lately has been "this is crazy but You are sovereign."  I've been saying it over and over, knowing it to be true and trying to get my heart to believe it.  I'm still struggling but I do know that God is in this, this isn't a surprise, and there is glory for Him in this.  It's an awakening for many people, and that alone is enough.
We can behold the works of our God.  The earth is currently giving way.  But to focus on the chaos only brings despair.  That is not to say the problems should be ignored, but seeing them from a higher point of view keeps them from being the only point of view.
We must be still and know who God is.  Many of us are being forced to be still.  I know that I am bad about staying super busy.  I have always been this way.  But now we are all getting an opportunity to sit.  To breath.  To reflect.  To seek.  We can either embrace it or fight it.

So if your axis is broken, true north is Jesus.  Staying fixed on the Solid Rock is the only way to navigate this.