Human again

 I need to put a memorial stone down, even if what I do is ramble for a little bit and force accountability by putting this out on social media.  

Which I haven't been on at all in three weeks, which has been lovely.  But now I am able to handle being on it again.

But.

The pandemic has been hard on me.  The past few months have been especially hard.  Taking a job that I didn't realize was going to weigh so heavily and pay so poorly.  Struggling to connect with people that I know love me and are struggling just as hard as I am.  Trying to break back into an industry that is forever changed (and there is nothing worse than singing in a mask).  Losing complete sense of what really matters and what is temporary.  Fighting and trying harder than ever, losing harder than ever, wanting so desperately to be done with everything and at the same time not wanting to give up and yet not sure how to keep moving forward.  

One helpful thing that I probably should have done long ago has been going to therapy.  I've been using BetterHelp, and it's been very helpful the past few weeks (and if you are on the fence about doing something like it, please reach out to me, no matter where you are or what you believe, because really it's an incredible service that is crafted exactly to what you want or think you need).  

I've also held on to this:

Psalm 77 (MSG)

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,

    I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;

    my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.

When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”

    I didn’t believe a word they said.

I remember God—and shake my head.

    I bow my head—then wring my hands.

I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;

    I can’t even say what’s bothering me.

I go over the days one by one,

    I ponder the years gone by.

I strum my lute all through the night,

    wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?

    Will he never smile again?

Is his love worn threadbare?

    Has his salvation promise burned out?

Has God forgotten his manners?

    Has he angrily stalked off and left us?

“Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business

    just the moment I need him.”

11-12 Once again I’ll go over what God has done,

    lay out on the table the ancient wonders;

I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished,

    and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy!

    No god is great like God!

You’re the God who makes things happen;

    you showed everyone what you can do—

You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,

    rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God,

    saw you and trembled with fear;

    Deep Ocean was scared to death.

Clouds belched buckets of rain,

    Sky exploded with thunder,

    your arrows flashing this way and that.

From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,

    Lightning exposed the world,

    Earth reeled and rocked.

You strode right through Ocean,

    walked straight through roaring Ocean,

    but nobody saw you come or go.

20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,

You led your people like a flock of sheep.

I have been trying the past couple weeks, but specifically for many days in a row now I am finally human. There's a lot to work through.  I am still screwing up in many ways.  I am still screwed up in many ways.  But this is a signpost and a reminder that God is faithful and is holding on to me even if I lose my grip.