I was too busy in the fall to come up with a good title

I've been writing this in my head for the past few days, but every time I look at the computer, I keep hesitating, because I feel like I may not have a point or a cohesive story to tell.

But then I remember that the reason I write is for me to process, and considering I haven't written in a long time, it is fair to say I haven't processed much from this fall.



I'm not sure exactly when it began, but I do remember October being a strange month where I entered the desert.  Definitely had a couple tough weeks then.  And then I rallied at the beginning of November, but after that things started going downhill again.  The past couple weeks I have been horribly depressed.

It's easy to get caught up in figuring out how I got there from here, perhaps because I like to analyze with the hope of not making the same missteps.  But which findings are worthwhile, and which are superfluous?  It's hard to tell.  I think it's important to recognize that this isn't something that occurred acutely by any means, but has been several months of swallowing tiny lies and half-truths from the devil (sin is better, you've been doing ___ for so long so you can take a little break) until you get to the point of eating up the dumbest lies (what you are doing is meaningless, no one really cares about you).  Couple that with the small voice way in the back that keeps saying "the bottom is going to fall out and you're eventually going to lose your mind" and you end up thinking that the best way to deal with problems is by disappearing, because isolating when you feel alone makes a whole lot of sense, right?  The screaming silence and the silent screaming.

Anyway.

What I did find that I need to act on are as follows:
- I get pretty stuck in one perspective, at least when it comes to my own life issues.  The grand irony of being flexible in art is finding how inflexible I am in other things. . . Cam was always great about listening and offering a new perspective.  And not that there isn't anyone in my life who does that, but there isn't anyone that does it regularly.  But part of that is due to my not being an "initiator" in conversation.
So. . .
- I've got to do better at talking to people.  Part of it is having to learn to trust new people. . . unfortunately it seems like the people who have spoken into my life in the past few years have disappeared.  I take responsibility for a large part of that, I know that a phone works both ways. . . but the flip side of that is that being ignored several times in a row sends a clear message.
- Preaching the gospel to myself has to never cease.  I think it's John Piper who said something to the effect that you have to continually tell yourself gospel truths to your head until your heart takes hold of them.
- I've either got to start searching deeper for answers to the questions that plague me or learn different questions to ask.  Even before the cancer diagnosis, the BIG QUESTION on my mind was "what if I'm a widower before I'm 30?"  And we talked about it, it wasn't the most fun conversation, and there definitely was no conclusion reached.  But as she was dying, she said, "I just want to make sure you're taken care of."  Selfless to the end, but also, trying to find an answer to that BIG QUESTION.  It's still the BIG QUESTION.  But there are all sorts of questions that fit into that: Will I ever be a dad?  Will I get married again?  What's life look like in five years?  Or even next year?
Which leads me to a final thought:
- What does it mean that my life is not my own?  Because I have lived that way, but I know I'm not living that way currently.  So why did I grasp control back?  What's keeping me from letting go?

That's where I'm at.