looking for answers

I was definitely riding the struggle bus earlier. First, I had a hard time getting out of bed, but that wasn't the whole reason I was an hour late to school this morning. For whatever reason, I tend to do some intense thinking in the shower, which is why I try to take one every morning (the hygiene part is nice too, I suppose). I've been seeking out some answers to questions I have about my life, and I don't know what it was about this morning, but I got a couple of those answers. Maybe it was that I finally reached the point where I realize I'm trying to overcomplicate His plans by throwing my ideas into the mix, or maybe I already knew the answers and just didn't realize that, or maybe God was like, "OK, you're ready to hear this now." Whatever the reason, I've been thinking on and off today about the implications of that. I've also been thinking about the one question in particular that I still don't have a clear answer about. However, tonight's sermon gave me some insight into that. "God rewards the faithfulness of His people." He doesn't expect us to bring Him the answer- He wants US to ask HIM for the answers. So who are we to turn our back on God? When we trust Him, He meets us at our deepest needs. It may not be the way we think we want or the way we expected, but if we remain faithful, He will bless us beyond measure. After all, HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US. That last statement is so easy to say and so easy to see the truth of. . . and SO HARD to accept and put into practice sometimes. We don't always get to see the end! And actually, I think it's more about the process than the situation itself. He reaches us all in different ways and with different temptations and trials, but it is the way we go through those experiences that bring us towards the ultimate goal of knowing Him better and making Him known through our lives. Although a part of me still doesn't necessarily fully appreciate or understand this, I think the answer to the other question I had this morning is "Remain faithful." And how dare I (or anyone else) even begin to think that He doesn't know what's best? I have seen God work in and through my life in countless ways in the past 14 months alone, so I have no doubt in my mind that He knows what He is doing. "Even before we make the request, He has already prepared the place, 'the land of Goshen,'- we just have to ask Him how to get there." I believe with all my heart that DeLand, my job, my church, my Sunday School class, my friends, and even my apartment were all being prepared ahead of time for me to move down here. God has brought me through pride, through depression, through the beginnings of alcoholism, through uncontrollable rage, through so much more, and even when I said, "I want NOTHING to do with you!" He still loved me, and He knew what He had in store for me. And those couple steps out into the water, and a desperate prayer for change on a final plane ride to a new place, and look where I am now. I mean, I just. . . I don't think I can really fully describe the whole journey, but I also have to realize that the journey is NOT over, and He is still working in me, even if I don't see it! Goshen is not the end of the story for the people of Israel. They suffer years of enslavement, and then God brings them out of that and into a new land filled with blessing beyond measure. He always knows exactly what we need, and He is just waiting for us to take hold of it by taking hold of Him.

"Remain faithful." Such a simple request, coming from the One Who decided to pour His wrath that we rightly deserve onto His own Son so that He would be able to invite us to fellowship with Him. . . I mean, if that doesn't completely blow your mind every time you think about it, then I don't know how else to reach out to you. "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

"Remain faithful."

Not the exact direction I was planning to go tonight, but that's what is on my heart right now.