The end of 2019

Something I’ve said in the past few days in various forms:

2019 was not supposed to be this way.

There’s many things swirling around my brain....but the one I am gonna put down tonight is this.  I think at some point in the past year, I transitioned into a stage that I thought I had already dealt with.  If you believe in the DABDA form of grief, then I think I’ve only been getting into the anger phase.  And there’s a lot of evidence to point to that- unfortunately I am posting on my phone so it’s hard to go back and cite specific writings, but if denial=the period of time where I would wake up and go “remember that you were married?” and couple that with the lack of being open to talk about Cam and I think it’s been several years of denial.  And reflecting back, particularly on the past six months, there’s definitely been some anger, whether justified or not, that I think is uncharacteristic of how I “normally” function.  And so it scares me a little bit if this is the case, as five years is approaching and that has already been a long haul.

So 2020 comes.  I have set formal resolutions some years, lately I’ve been picking a word to define the year, but I think for the current projection my focus has really got to be on health: physical, emotional, spiritual.

There are many other things, as there always are, and I am going to do my best to make myself write once a week, even if it only becomes short ramblings like this.  And while 2019 hasn’t all been terrible by any means (I recorded a CD a year ago!), I would not have expected to find myself in the place I am currently at.

This has been my encouraging place to live lately:

2 Corinthians 5
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.

He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always of good courage. 

We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience. We are not commending ourselves to you again but giving you cause to boast about us, so that you may be able to answer those who boast about outward appearance and not about what is in the heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Triggered

I don't even know if that is in vogue anymore or not, but it's the only word I could think of that encapsulates all of the things.

The elementary school where we meet as a church has changed their hand soap, and it is the same brand/smell as the soap was (and likely still is) at Moffitt.

A little thing, a simple thing, a crazy thing. . . but trust me, I washed my hands so often during BMT land that I could never mistake something else for it.



I hit a low point a little over a month ago.  It's only been the past couple weeks or so that I've gotten my face out of the dirt and able to see a little light around, but I still haven't gotten myself off of the ground.  This has also somehow become the busiest fall and it's not even November yet.

What I'm currently wrestling with is 1 Corinthians 7 (ESV is linked but this is a few verses from that chapter via The Message):

7 Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

17 And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

19-20 The really important thing is obeying God’s call, following his commands.  Stay where you were when God called your name.


Stay where you were when God called your name. 



If that sentiment isn't what I've held on to for the past four and a half years then I just don't know what else I could say.  I know that things cycle, that there's low points and high points, and so for the moment I just have to keep holding on.

Well...

... it’s been a while. I know it’s not a perfect indicator of how my life is going, but the correlation of not writing=low cycle and writing frequently=high cycle is pretty strong. There have been a lot of things that have happened in 2019. . . and I have no intention of trying to get into all of them right now. But this will probably ramble around and be about a few different things, and I have no real final aim that I know of other than to dump some things out of my brain, and really the intent is always that I am using this to process my thoughts, which brings me to my first point:

- I have lately been in a rut of “doing something is better than doing nothing” which is likely how this writing will end as well.

- I recently moved into my own apartment, which is the first time I’ve lived completely alone since 2011 I believe. . . it’s a nice 1-1 apartment, ranch style, and eerily similar to the apartment I moved into when I first got to Florida as a 21 year old. And so the sense of moving backwards and starting over is not lost on me at all. I’m hoping to delve into this more specifically, but it’s not going to happen today.

-The fall semester just started but between the hurricane and being out of my apartment for most of August, and having just been in summer (in which my life has no rhyme or reason so whatever gigs come come), there hasn’t really been any shape of normalcy for a long while.

- Cam’s birthday is coming up this Sunday. . . she would be 33. I don’t talk much about her, which is not news, but I thought maybe at this point I would. I think that’s a lot of what’s built up inside. People ask “how did you end up in Jacksonville” and the answer is never what I would consider the real, complete one: “My wife died, and I ran away, so God stopped me in this area because He had things planned for me here.” About 40% of the time the second half of that sentiment is there. Probably 59.9% is “I got the job at the university.” The 0.1% includes the part about Cameron.

Related to this, I was at a friend’s birthday party a couple months ago, and it was the first time in a long time that someone had a frank conversation about me and Cameron and asked how things were and related stories and such. It was wonderful. And so I know some of the struggle of where I’m at now is that no one knew her up here, and so the missed connection is super easy.
I wish that I wouldn’t be so closed off. I don’t know if it’s that there’s a level of pain that I don’t want to reveal, don’t want to deal with, if it’s feeling like no one will understand and so why go through the rigamarole. . . I don’t know. I thought I would have figured something out by this point, but I haven’t.

The Tightrope

So it's been a while. . . it's been a crazy, uh, 2019.  But I want to record this for myself at least before it leaves my brain.

I think a good way for me to look at the past few years is that there's been this tight rope, and falling off on one side is a hole of depression and sadness, dissociation from the present because all that matters is what happened.  And then the other side is the manic, high energy, push too far and don't deal with life because you're too busy, dissociation from the past.  I've really only had balance for a long period of time a couple years ago, and then there have just been moments. . . the end of 2018 was definitely a manic thing, and once I realized it, I swayed back but I think too far to the other side. . . and maybe because as I am on this tight rope, I'm still holding the grief rock.  And it keeps changing.

No conclusions tonight, just a random image.  And 16 more recitals before tour before a cabaret before a few weeks off.

A different anniversary

I have been awake around 4 AM for a couple weeks now (except for one or two nights where I was up too late), and today is no different.

What is different this year is that I feel today has been more of a weight on my mind and heart than the other years.  If the anniversary of Cam's death is about the loss of her, then the anniversary of our wedding is about the loss of "us."  Maybe it's because I'm past the fog and shock of the first couple years.  Past the voice that constantly reminded me "in case you forgot, your wife died."  Past the quagmire of indecision and survival mode.

We got to do lots of things.  Four parks in one day.  Holiday celebrations.  Buying the perfect house with the harp ramp already existing in the garage.  Visiting dinosaurs.  Playing a show together.  Celebrating weddings with far away friends.  Holding new babies.

But there were also so many things we didn't get to.  Adoption.  College dreams.  Travel plans.  Sharing the gamut of experiences.  And it's not just the "big" things.  But not having the person to share in the daily struggles and victories, to offer new perspectives, to help her through difficult situations, to laugh off the overly-hyped people that try to infect their brand of crazy into your life, to share awkward glances across the room.



This day has always been a day full of activity the past three years, and this year is no different (just another 12 hour day in the spring semester).  I'm never sure if that's a good thing or not, because it usually means I have no time to really sit and process, so it's probably a good thing that I'm awake so early and am able to do a little something.

Four years

Tomorrow is Groundhog's day, the holiday eternally associated with repeated days because of some silly movie in the 90's, a day that also repeats for me far too often.  It's been four years since Cam died.  I woke up around 5 this morning, which is fine, it happens, but I could not get myself back to sleep.  Sometimes I step back and look at my life and go "what are you doing?  what happened?"  Other times I can confidently know that all of the steps that have gotten me here have been ordained by God, that that is really the only explanation, and there is comfort in that.

I've been in Jax since September 2015, and people still ask how I got here.  I used to tell people that it was because I was pursuing a master's at Trinity, which was only partially true.  But at this point I've graduated and so that rarely enters the conversation.  Sometimes I tell people that it's because I landed the job at the university, which is not really true at all.  I had planned on moving up here before I even secured a job.  No, the truth is that I needed to move away.  I couldn't sleep in our house anymore.  Other circumstances were happening that would have driven me to make some kind of life change even if Cam had survived, or at least lived longer.  I ran.  And I've had the impulse to run further several times since I've been here, the most recent being December 2017, which I've written about a little bit.  But I think that I don't answer the question of "why are you in Jax?" honestly because the answer from the human standpoint immediately dries up the conversation.  It's not shame. . . but it's the closest thing I can think of right now that it feels like.  Because unless it's someone asking some specific questions who comes in with some bit of knowledge, either through seeing things on facebook or whatever, the conversation stalls.  I'm good at answering questions- I'm not good at just telling a story.  At least not this story.

It's been four years and I still haven't figured out how to really have conversations about Cam with people, outside of people who reach out to me and/or people who knew her.  What continues to boggle my mind (though maybe it shouldn't) is the random people who know me because of her up here in Jax.  I played a recital a couple weekends ago and someone came up to me and was asking if I was Cam's husband.

Cam's husband.  That's a role and an identity that I look at and it's still so blurry.

I never really know what to anticipate when this time of year comes around.  Partially because I take so much time to process things, partially because it's a couple hits back to back with our anniversary being on the 15th, partially because this is when musician life really ramps up and I just have so little headspace to do much outside of keep my head above the sea of rep.

So I'm taking this moment to remind myself to be kind to myself for the next couple weeks.

Clarion (and marathon)

There is nothing quite like visiting your wife's grave to finally gain some clarity.

2019 started with quite the. . . let's just say unexpected excitement.  I have avoided writing about this year's marathon, I think in part because that always signals the real start of the new year for me, and I have been in denial about letting 2019 start, but also because I don't really like to write until there's something clear to write about (while writing helps me to process, I have to figure out what it is that I'm processing first).

And so what I experienced this morning as well as looking back at the race are both closely related, but let's quickly look back at the race first.

For the first time (in forever. . .) I completed training successfully.  However, I blew the race by being overzealous in my early miles and hit the wall around 15 and ended up being slightly slower than last year's time overall.  For comparison, my splits:

-------5 mile-----------10 Mile---------------Half------------------20 Mile
2018   ?                    1:40 (10:04)         2:13 (10:28)      3:45 (13:23)
2019   46:24 (9:17)   1:34 (9:36)           2:07 (10:45)       3:43  (13:54)

And really, my half time from this past year is more like 2:01, I was in the bathroom less than .2 miles from the split, if I had known I was that close I would have held out a little bit longer. . . but anyway, all that to say, the recovery time on the other side of the race was much diminished because of training well.  Last year, completing the marathon was about just recognizing I could still run a race (and if it had been another 6+ hr year, I would have quit doing them).  This year, it was recognizing that I could do the training well.  So next year, I will do both!  And not that the marathon won't still be able to be a good gauge of the year, but really what this year's race showed me is that I'm getting back to where I'm not having to have an epic backstory, that I can run because it's fun, and it's not always about conquering life but can really finally take its rightful place back as a hobby and a diversion.

And I will also not blow my pace because I'm just too excited to run.



So with all that being said. . . some of the fire to get through training well was in part to combat some of the outside things that I've been dealing with.  A lot of things have gotten off the rails in a couple different areas of life.  And it would be easy to blame circumstances.  And really, I have been.

It was this morning that I realized in a very practical way that I am not as much of a victim as I might think, and also I am not without influence and power.  It is my own doubt about the goodness of God that has enhanced the flames and allowed the darts of Satan to trip me up.

Ephesians 6:10-18a

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, raying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.



I have forgotten that reentering life means reentering the spiritual battlefield.

Instead of acting in faith, I've been letting the arrows pierce me.  And sometimes just pushing them in further.

Instead of taking up the fight, I've been waiting for God to just swoop in and "make everything clear."  But what's been made clear is that I'm to act.  I'm to work out my salvation as God works in me.



I'm going to write about this in more detail hopefully sooner rather than later, but a couple other passages to consider for now:

James 1:5-7 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Matthew 21:18-22  In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once.  When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither at once?” And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”