Fear

I've been avoiding Facebook for quite a while now, primarily because when I get on, I barely have to scroll before I find myself becoming very angry.  This is not my typical M.O. and so I don't like to bring myself into that.  But, a friend recently made a point that helped me see the reactions of others to the coronavirus, both those that are doomsayers and those who are deniers, are all at their core based in fear.  And as I've mulled this over the past couple days, it has really helped me think through things.

For some, the virus is scary because it might kill you, it might kill your family and friends, it might leave you with physical problems that cannot be rehabilitated.  Essentially, it's a fear of death (not only the idea that we might die but also that we might be the causation of someone else's death by passing the virus).

For others, the virus is scary because it has shut down our economy, our livelihood, our identities, our families, our ability to act freely and live independently.  Essentially, it's a fear of submission (in this case, to a virus that has no political agenda and yet has changed our lives in ways we can't control).


Ultimately for both, it is a fear of the idea that we don't have ultimate authority in our lives to shape it the way we want.


I won't go on a tirade about the American values that exacerbate the problem, but the desire to control our own destinies goes all the way back to the first created people.  Adam and Eve choose to eat the one fruit that has been set aside as "hey, don't eat this!" and so there is no surprise that we who have inherited that nature continue to approach life in that manner.

So what is the cure for this fear?  The answer as I see it is twofold.

For the non-believer, the only cure is found in Jesus.  The world is broken; if anyone thinks otherwise, just look around at what's going on.  I'm not saying that being optimistic is wrong, but at the moment a virus has effectively shut down the entire world (hence, pandemic).  However, life is broken on small scales as well: family problems, financial woes, inner turmoil, hurtful political agendas, addictions.  The world is broken beyond the repair of the people living on it.  And so what can we do?

Nothing.  Nothing on our own anyway.

God's design for man is that we would share a relationship with Him, enjoying His glory and worshipping (that is, assigning God as the object of worth).  His holiness requires perfection, but unfortunately our brokenness as expressed in sin keeps that relationship estranged.  One may say they are a "good" person, but certainly no one would say they are perfect.  And yet God is perfect (because if He isn't then He isn't a very powerful God), and He cannot mix with imperfect.  However (and this is a HUGE however) God hasn't left us without a Way.  God came down as a human, Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah, the Promised One, and lived a perfect human life.  He was killed by His own people for no legitimate reason, providing a perfect sacrifice that would pay once for all the price of sin.  And Jesus rose again, bringing victory over death and sin for all mankind and leaving for us the hope of a restored relationship with God as well as the power of God Himself via the Holy Spirit.

That's the gospel Hope.  That's the message the Church is sent to share.  That's the lifelong journey of discovering the power of God in our lives to affect change, what takes a monster like Saul and transforms him into the most prolific writer of the New Testament.  That's what takes a prideful, highly opinionated, attention seeking jerk and begins to transform him into someone who is more patient and compassionate (and I'm still working on the pride and appropriate deliverance of opinions).  That's what takes any and every person who will accept their need for salvation from their brokenness, believe in Jesus's death and resurrection, and confess their own sin before a holy God and be brought into a glorious new life for the immediate, for the future life on earth, and for the eternal life after death.

For the believer, we are told in 1 John 4 that perfect love casts out fear.  And so we must meditate on the love of God.  And we have to encourage one another in that way.  The promises of God are not always fulfilled the way we want, but that goes back to Who has authority in our lives.  "Not my will, but Yours be done."  Is this easy?  No, not always.  But open any part of the Bible and you will see both the faithfulness of God and the need of man to depend on Him.  This is why we need each other, why God appointed the church as the primary medium of His mission, because we need others to help us pursue God.

I could go on and on but instead, I will end with three things:

First, if you don't buy into the whole Jesus thing, then ask me questions about what you don't like.  I won't pretend to have all the answers to every single thing that comes up, but also the answers I will give you will come from the authority of Scripture, not just out of my own head.

Second, if you do believe but you are struggling, reach out, to me or someone else.  This pandemic has been awful for some and not so bad for others, but even without that added in, we are not meant to navigate life in isolation (physically we may be isolated, but technology allows us to make some connection).

Finally, wherever you fall, consider how fear may be playing in to the way you are currently living/acting/posting on social media.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it's also very manipulative.  Read primary source materials, not just headlines.  Look at the research, not the interpretation of the research.  Recognize that no one knows everything about what is going on.  Consider the golden rule of treating others the way you would want to be treated, regardless of if they treat you that way.

Getting back to the light

So I did a little research to see if there were any tips for getting your body off of night shift and guys, it turns out that night shift is bad for you!  How did I miss out on that little detail!  I did nights at Wal-Mart for 7 weeks but that was also like 6 months after Camz died so all of that was a hard point in life anyway, but hey! my going crazy is more legitimate than I wanted to give credit!  And then you add forced social isolation and a job that didn't require talking even though there are people around (like literally I would say I made three work friends and I don't know any of their names) and hey! your losing your mind is extremely circumstantial!

I've been in a peculiar dark place for the past couple weeks.  There have been ups and downs through the past few months but I wonder if I had not quit now, then how much further down I would have gotten. . . I still have no specific plan though I have some options presented, and as I pursue them I know God will make it clear which one(s) are for me to take.  But I've got to get back to living in the light of day, and I'm going to bite the bullet and try and stay up through most of today.  I can't stand the thought of another 8-10 hour chunk of time in the dark, alone, waiting for anyone to wake up in order to get the most meager of human connection through text messaging.

Last night I tried my best to sleep extra or at least stay in bed.  I stayed up pretty late (until like 12 or 1) so I didn't wake up until around 8 PM, but then around 10:30 I went and laid back down).  I didn't get back out of bed until 2, and I fell asleep twice which I know because of the dreams I had.  The first was one where we were moving into a new house.  There were no closets but lots of oddly designed armoires that opened from both sides. . . like most dreams, the physical layout of things didn't really make a lot of sense (like, a handful of steps up or down into each room, and I feel like I never got to the bottom floor of the place).  I was doing my best to organize things but not get too far because I knew that Camz would want to be a part of it, and especially with treatment knowing that any time to express control over using her brain power was an important thing for me to provide.  And so when she got there we got to doing the work, and it was going well, just looking through all the stuff and finding a place for everything, and then I woke up.

Those kinds of dreams aren't super common for me, at least not lately; the last couple have been much worse because usually I'm trying to get somewhere but I have a problem navigating the roads, and then when I get to whatever location it is it turns out I had been making my way to her funeral.  I've had that dream twice in the past three months, I think this has been the only time in recent past where she's been alive in a dream.  (The second dream was much less interesting, I was just going to some public park and fighting with people about wearing masks, but it was just as clear/realistic)

And then finally I wake up for real to reality, to coronalife, to unemployment, to 2 AM.

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Clinging desperately to vv. 11-12:

Psalm 77 (MSG)
1-6 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.   I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.  When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,” I didn’t believe a word they said.  I remember God—and shake my head.  I bow my head—then wring my hands.  I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me.  I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by.  I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?  Will he never smile again?  Is his love worn threadbare?  Has his salvation promise burned out?  Has God forgotten his manners?  Has he angrily stalked off and left us?  “Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.”

11-12 Once again I’ll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy! No god is great like God!  You’re the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what you can do—  You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

16-19 Ocean saw you in action, God, saw you and trembled with fear;  Deep Ocean was scared to death.  Clouds belched buckets of rain, Sky exploded with thunder, your arrows flashing this way and that.  From Whirlwind came your thundering voice, Lightning exposed the world, Earth reeled and rocked.  You strode right through Ocean, walked straight through roaring Ocean, but nobody saw you come or go.

20 Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron, You led your people like a flock of sheep.