Completion

A disclaimer- this entry is going to be a little different, in that rather than being a theoretical/application entry, it's going to be a more personal one.  I'm not entirely sure I'll really develop any points or come to any strong conclusion.  I don't talk much in depth about my experiences surrounding losing my wife to cancer, partially because it's inevitably awkward for me and awkward for them and really, who knows what to do with a 28 year old widower anyway?

. . . seriously, if you know, pass that along, because I definitely don't have a great idea.  I could tell you lots of things not to do, but that is not the purpose for today.

So anyway, with that prelude. . .


Matt preached this past week on being made in the image of God as well as related that to gender/sexuality/marriage/identity.  His sermon is here if you want to go take a listen.  I think he did a great job handling it.  There was one part that stuck out to me, and I know that if I don't think through it, even if I don't come to a conclusion, that it will eat away at me, and that's not healthy.  It is the idea that, when God brings a husband and wife together, his purpose is in using them to complete each other.  The weaknesses of one are bolstered by the strengths of the other, there's a fit, a match, that makes each person irrevocably tied together.


So what I wrote in my notes in the heat of the moment was: "Cam completed me- and then He took her?  So am I complete still?"


Now, I could easily write up a page about how really I will never be complete until I'm made perfect in Christ, whether in death or on His return.  And that's where we as Christians place hope boils down to.  But that really only addresses the second half of the statement, so. . . I'm gonna break this down.

Cam completed me. . . I don't know that I've ever really thought about it in those terms, but it's definitely something I can get behind.  Although I wasn't looking for that at the time, once the two of us had the first "serious talk" and started sharing our past experiences and our future hopes and dreams, it was clear we were meant to be together.  I mean, we went on a 6 mile walk-and-talk in mid-February, and by the end of March I was looking for engagement rings, and I popped the question May 4.  Granted, we had "not" been dating for a couple of years leading up to that. . . but really I don't know that either of us had thought seriously about us being together.

Well. . .  maybe she had.  Apparently when we went on our Disney non-dates she was concerned over her appearance, and also she got real mad at me when I dressed in my own special ways.

(I mean, just look at those faces: thinly veiled anger and sheepish grin.  America's finest) 

(but seriously I got in big trouble once for wearing elf shorts with bells on them)

And then He took her- this is something I still wrestle with (I mean, clearly- the language is aggressive).  I had some clarity a few weeks ago, conceptually that she was never "mine" to begin with.  She was always God's child, this was His plan and intent, and I was given the great opportunity to know her, love her, and see her through to the end of her life here.  That's still not an easy pill to swallow, but that's where trusting in God's goodness comes into contact with everyday life.  Do I trust His promises, do I trust His character, do I truly believe that what He says is completely true?  I can choose not to, but I have peace in knowing that I can trust Him, I have joy in that He shaped me through Cam's life and death, and I have hope for the future because He's still walking alongside me and leading me.


So. . . am I complete still?  I mean, there's a part missing.  I don't think that gap will be bridged on this side of heaven.  But the cool part in thinking through this is recognizing the pieces of Cameron that live on in me: some that I cultivate, others that surprise me.  I find myself trying to find alternate/positive-spin perspectives in hard circumstances (which is so completely a Cam thing and in no way a me thing).  I'm a bit more in tune to the movement of the wind and fascinated by the moon.  I take a whole lot more pictures than I used to.  Sometimes I just sit and soak in the surroundings.  I really, really want to go to Jurassic Quest (but of course I'm busy the weekend it's in Jacksonville).  I'm more aware of other people as people, with backgrounds and histories and struggles, and am still learning to be patient even when they frustrate me.  So I am certainly changed.



Today is Valentine's Day.  Tomorrow would be our second anniversary.  How do I glorify God in the midst of pain?

By recognizing that there is purpose in the pain.

By choosing to rejoice anyway.

By continuing to stay faithful to God.

By knowing my completion lies in Christ, and my task is to strive for that every day.



I know I won't do those things perfectly, and I can't do them on my own, but God's grace, power, and love is far greater than anything I face on this earth.