All of the unexpected things

So I was gearing up to write something about running, and I probably will sometime after the race, but as I travelled across the state, something unexpected happened.  First, I stopped at Disney, which surprisingly enough was not in my original plans.  I hadn't thought past "hey, you're going to be driving on Friday!" and when I put the address in my phone, I saw I was taking I-95 S to I-4 W to I-75 S.  Sooooooo yay for random Disney trip!  I didn't stay too long, because I didn't want to tax my legs too much.  It was after leaving Disney that it happened.

I forgot.

I haven't driven past Disney in over three years, and I discovered that I forgot.

I forgot how many times I had driven down the corridor between DeLand and Tampa.

I forgot what a significant portion of my and Cam's life together was spent traveling that stretch of road.

I forgot about the countless trips, many alone, sometimes silent, sometimes screaming, sometimes praying, always crying out.

I forgot about knowing the way without looking at a map.

I forgot about Dinosaur World.

I forgot about the times where my arms went numb from holding so tight to the steering wheel, as if somehow that was what would give me control.

I forgot. . . I forgot. . .

And isn't that the ultimate fear?  That someday you'll just. . . forget everything?  It doesn't make any sense, but it's a real thought.  But also. . . it made me realize that there's a lot inside me that I am totally unaware of.  Being stable and being healed are not the same thing.

But while I was having this realization/meltdown, this is the song that was in the background:

And I wept.  Which. . . never bothers me. Actually it bothers me when it's been a while, and actually I was recently thinking that I haven't cried in a while.  Like, at all this 2018.  It's not necessarily odd, because I've never been much for that, but. . . anyway, I was crying for two reasons.  One part was just living in the reminiscing, the realization of how much life happened in such a short time and how much that I don't seem to currently have access to without some kind of trigger.  The other part though was in remembering that I'm not alone on this journey and I never was.  It was good, overwhelmingly good, to remember that God really is sovereign, that He has been orchestrating this journey from the beginning, not just three years ago or five years ago or even 29 years ago. . . but always.  And He is bringing glory to Himself through it.

And I get to play a part in presenting that glory to a broken world who desperately needs salvation.

So I'm asking myself questions. . . or rather. . . I'm taking time to answer questions that have already been asked.  I'm trying too hard and waiting too long.  It's time to really start jumping back in.

And there's nothing to be afraid of, because I know Who leads me.