Christmas is nigh. . . (also, link storm)

It's been a week, y'all.

(I can pretend to be southern, I've been down here almost ten years)

Really though. . . I'm going to try and organize my thoughts the best I can.  I'm not super depressed like I was last year at Christmas, but I've had some struggles in trying to keep from slipping down that path again.  I opened the floodgates last Sunday night and I think a lot of it has just been me dealing with the pain that's still down there.  I don't mean to avoid or ignore it, and I'd also like to think that while the hurt never goes away, I hold on to hope and joy in Christ more of the time than I suppress emotions and just survive, but anyway, I did make one discovery on my run this afternoon-

(which, side note, I accomplished my 20 mile run on Friday, which was such a great win for what ended up being a low week.  It's only the third time I've ran that far without stopping for more than just refueling, the first two times being the training for my second marathon and the subsequent race, right before we got married.  It's been so long since I've had to make routes that long that I had forgotten the sense of adventure and discovery that happens when you start running the actual roads and not just plotting them out on a map.  Anyway)

-I think one of the reasons that I am loath to talk with people about Cam is that I have had many people who were there in the beginning of this journey disappear from my life.  There's a couple problems with this line of thought, because objectively I should know better that it's correlation and not causation.  I also know that it's a common thing for a widow to have a change in friendship circles (point 2 in this list, the real life definition near the beginning here, literally this entire thing, the opening of this. . . not to mention research articles like this or this.  Didn't mean for that to become a mini-rant, but also that's kind of the point) but it's hard not to think "well, my pain is too hard for those who I am close to, so sharing that with anyone new will just cause them to disappear as well."  And I'm not sure how to change that kind of thinking.  Is it just a rewiring of my brain?  Do I have awkward conversations with people, asking what happened and why we're not really friends anymore?  Do I just accept it as the new normal?

I'm 30.  I don't know what I'm doing.

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Earlier this week I found myself in Psalm 13, which is not really one that I was immediately familiar with (I cling to 77 and 119 regularly).  I think I literally typed in "How long God?" and it popped up.  The ESV is good, but I'm almost through my journey through The Message and it's pretty powerful:

Long enough, God—you’ve ignored me long enough.

I’ve looked at the back of your head long enough. 

Long enough I’ve carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain.

Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God;

I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.

I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms— I’m celebrating your rescue.

I’m singing at the top of my lungs, I’m so full of answered prayers.

I'm not in this emotional state of questioning God as often these days, but it's a real thing.  And God can handle our difficult questions and even our accusations.  Matthew Henry describes the opening the best- "It is some ease to a troubled spirit to give vent to its griefs, especially to give vent to them at the throne of grace, where we are sure to find one who is afflicted in the afflictions of his people and is troubled with the feeling of their infirmities; thither we have boldness of access by faith, and there we have parresia —freedom of speech."

That word is in the NT several times, but probably my favorite is in Hebrews 10:

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence (parrhesia) to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

But those questioning moments have to be followed by the recognition of God's character- His sovereignty, unending love, grace, faithfulness, consistency, goodness, the list goes on.  We have to learn to live in the light of that truth.

Matthew Henry again- "his heart, which was now daily grieving, should rejoice in that salvation."

I'm fighting for that.  I know God's redemption is in all of this.  I know that there is plenty of God's work in my life that I can (and do) celebrate.  I know Cam would be proud of what I've accomplished in following God's lead (as well as what I've accomplished as a musician).  Next week is an exciting step in that journey, in being voted in as an elder/pastor at Grace Life, and literally there is no part of that that does not have God's hand in it.  But recognizing that in the face of the everyday struggle is harder certain times more than others.



So here's to Christmas, for a time to surround ourselves with the reality of God.  If God is not a reality to you. . . then reach out.  Ask questions.  Talk to me, or to someone who you know believes things that you may not.  Seek the One Who we celebrate.