Where do you see yourself in five years?

The inevitable interview question that I rarely, if ever, have an answer for, and yet here I am, not at the moment looking to five years down the road but instead looking at the five years I've travelled.  And let me tell you, I did not see myself here almost in any capacity.  We measure life in many different ways, and for whatever reason our human brain tends to like groups of five.  We have five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot; when we tally, the fifth mark is the different mark; we claim to have five senses (though we really have more); some believe that there are five elements that make up the world; we make bigger celebrations out of the 5's and 10's (birthday's, anniversaries, whatever).

This is not the five years I could have ever saw.

So once again here I am about to say that nothing in my life is because of my own plans, that I didn't try and make happen anything of where I currently am and am doing and the people I've met and all those wonderful things.

The thing that was one of the defining features of the first year of Cam's death has been plaguing me for several weeks now: knowing exactly how many days away February 2nd is.  I haven't slept through the night in over a week, although I did finally do the math and at least my body really still is doing sleep cycles, but only three instead of the usual five.  Hey look, NOT five.




Today's been a weird day.  That anger thing was ever present, although I would hazard that if you asked anyone that interacted with me that they would have no idea.  But on the inside I was ready to smash things into walls, not because of any trigger, but this is just apparently the flavor of my life for this season.

I'm rambling but I'm trying to make myself write more so that I don't keep it in all the time.  Also I started this this morning and didn't get to finish my original thoughts until about 10 hours later.