Some things are meant to be

 So I don't think it's healthy to try and force a weekly writing. But I also know that to reinstate a habit, it takes a concentrated effort and a little bit of being okay with imperfection. So this will likely be more of a stream of consciousness/slightly aimless/wanting to put something down because I know it's good for me to do so.  But as I said like a year ago, we have to practice.

Little Women at Limelight closed last night.  I hate that I'm going to use this metric, but if my brain is correct, it's my seventh theatrical experience post-COVID shutdowns.  (That doesn't feel like enough, but between things getting cancelled and me having worked so many different jobs in the past two years, it's probably correct.  Off hand again, eighth or ninth or maybe tenth if you count me filling in for a couple random one-offs, which is not the same)

In the span of all my theater experiences, probably close to trippie-digies? That's way too hard to try and fathom in this moment. But in the unfair comparison of apples and oranges in regards to favorites? It's a Jazz apple. Meaning, it is uniquely one of my favorites.  I have never really gone into gigs like this with expectations as far as what I get out of it personally. I will always bring the best of me that's available. If I'm able to have a positive influence on the overall production, it's partially my job but mostly my pleasure. If I make professional connections, awesome. If I make personal connections, super awesome. I mean, that's certainly a big reason why I, as this shiny bouncing ball, have staying in theater communities for as long as I have. And we who maybe feel like we are not easily able to make true connections suddenly find ourselves face-to-face with an open-armed love of a person who has no qualms or expectations, just joy and openness, and that is such a happy rarity.

So it's nice to walk away with professional connections that are also friendly ones, and to walk away with deeper connections that weren't necessarily unexpected but are so welcome and necessary and such a blessing from God. And also to really have God-centered connection is a nice reminder that we can find and share the joy of Christ in all things.

To be honest, I almost didn't take the gig. As an MD and a passionate interpreter, it's hard to walk in to a production where you haven't had time to live with material and performers and yet be saddled with telling a story. While certainly this is not the first time I've done this, it's the longest I've done it (because other instances I can think of have been coverage due to tragedy or other circumstances, ranging from one performance to one weekend of performances. Certainly not a five-week run).  But a bigger issue is the content. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled up tracks on YouTube of "Some Things Are Meant to Be" or "Days of Plenty" as personal ways to cope and express after Camz died. And so to subject myself to that for weeks on end, I didn't know how it was going to go. And honestly, the first rehearsal I attended, it was a nightmare, particularly because the performers were so good, and in having a void of trauma, found it easy to get refilled.  And really even before that, a friend I've known many years was in the cast, which was exciting, and he's a person who has been very important to me in the past couple years as I worked through mental health struggles, whether he knows it or not.

And honestly, it took me a bit of time to decide if it was objectively a good production or if I was biased based on connection, subject material, and finally being out of PTSD-land (because for sure this is the first show post all that insanity). But having had friends with critical perspectives who had no stake in the game inasmuch as seeing the actors/production as a part of my "work" and therefore being biased, the objective opinion agreed with my experience. Which on one hand, I know that I know what I know, but on the other hand it is nice sometimes to have confirmation, especially after two years of questioning everything about my inner thought process.

So all that to say that I'm so happy that it happened but also sad that it is over. And I haven't had post-show depression in so long. But related to that I also recognized something else, at least about the last two weeks.

Busy Ben returned, but not in a bad way. 

It's been approximately 18 days since I've done laundry, based on how much underwear got washed today. I've house/animal-sat for two different families, I've been a part of two different studio recitals, and have had four-show weeks the past two weeks, I've taught like 11 or 12 lessons, I preached on Sunday, had dinners with friends... so it's no wonder that I am exhausted. Full, happy-sad, exhausted, and knowing there's more in front of me, but looking forward to a little bit of respite before I turn 34 in a couple weeks.

This writing was more for me than you, but at the very least hopefully as a reader one might see a return but also a new world for me as I continue to replace the trauma-time with positive things like this. Who knows, maybe I will start running again soon!

But at the moment, I'm gonna enjoy some ketchup chips from a couple of sweet connections that I have made from this show. And remind myself of the healing that comes from music, from singing. And knowing Camz would have loved the production and the people in it.