It's funny how simply we fall into old patterns. The ease of conversation and relationship supernaturally blossoms, as though the flow of time temporarily halted during the absence and then continues its flow upon reunion. Small things, in some ways, and yet profoundly important. Those who choose to continue downstream with you and those who took other paths, it's always surprising, but at this point in my life it is not new.
So this is just a reminder to myself, that even as I am open to those who join in on the journey, I can choose to put distance between people; and also, people can also do the same to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm tired. I've almost made it through the first onslaught of the spring semester. A little over a week and I will be on a spring break where I am actually able to take a real break. There's still things to be done, music to be learned, but at least freed from a schedule and from the ever changing landscape of "making it work." The rest is much needed.
Matthew 6:25-35 (MSG)
“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
“Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
2/29/2020
2/15/2020
Some days suck
And that’s that.
I’m sure it didn’t help that I was awake every hour or so, which I’m somewhat used to at this point. But waking up with “let’s not have her dead anymore” is not very helpful. Getting out of bed was difficult, and unfortunate with a day that started at 9 AM. The first half of the day was very busy with S&E, and then I ran and did recordings and finished up S&E, trying my best to not be annoyed but failing.
It was the kind of day where I wish I had a scarlet W emblazoned on me, so that people didn’t have to ask to understand but also would judge with the right approach.
I’d love to put something uplifting but I’m still spiraling that this should have been a six year anniversary and we didn’t even get one whole year of marriage.
I’m sure it didn’t help that I was awake every hour or so, which I’m somewhat used to at this point. But waking up with “let’s not have her dead anymore” is not very helpful. Getting out of bed was difficult, and unfortunate with a day that started at 9 AM. The first half of the day was very busy with S&E, and then I ran and did recordings and finished up S&E, trying my best to not be annoyed but failing.
It was the kind of day where I wish I had a scarlet W emblazoned on me, so that people didn’t have to ask to understand but also would judge with the right approach.
I’d love to put something uplifting but I’m still spiraling that this should have been a six year anniversary and we didn’t even get one whole year of marriage.
2/11/2020
the unseen corkscrew
Well, I am still not sleeping, but tonight has been a rare evening where I've been home at a decent hour and so was able to do some important things (laundry, running, invoices, taxes, responding to e-mails that aren't about setting up rehearsals, etc.). I am hopeful that soon after writing this that I will lay down and maybe get some decent rest.
Saturday is our wedding anniversary, and my hope is that finally getting to that will be the thing that gets me to get back into sleeping regularly. Lack of sleep is really wearing on me; I can either do long days, or little sleep, but not both. It's actually rather annoying, because I've always said my super power is sleeping. But more specifically it is an ability to fall asleep- unfortunately sans one evening has not been the problem. I can fall asleep just fine. But I keep waking up. Crazy dreams. Sweating. Realizing I've cried in my sleep.
On the flip side of this, God is good in that I have self-control through the Spirit to not let all of the bubbling underbelly out to wreak havoc on my little world. I know that I can't just act based on how I feel, and being in the moment (which actually is an easy default, particularly as a musician) I think helps keep me from totally spiraling out of control. But I also know that my private time is not exactly exemplary. My car has heard more than it's fill of angry rants traveling between places. And it's not even like the anger is always because of something in particular, which is still the strangest/scariest part.
My other (short) rumination for the evening: because of assembling "the box" I have seen a lot of Cam's handwriting, which is such a strange thing to think that it was a regular part of my life for several years. Lots of cards with silly gifts, little sticky notes everywhere (EVERYWHERE), and then things that I wasn't necessarily meant to see, at least not so soon- journal entries, her own musings and schedules and questions. I can listen to her talk and play, I can see pictures of her, but somehow, for the time being, reading these things makes her the most "real" to me. Her personality, her care and attention to detail, her constant pursuit to better herself, her love for me.
It's all so crazy still. I wonder if it will ever not feel that way. I wonder if I would really want it to not feel that way.
James 1:2-18 (MSG)
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help.
You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.When down-and-outers get a break, cheer! And when the arrogant rich are brought down to size, cheer! Prosperity is as short-lived as a wildflower, so don’t ever count on it. You know that as soon as the sun rises, pouring down its scorching heat, the flower withers. Its petals wilt and, before you know it, that beautiful face is a barren stem. Well, that’s a picture of the “prosperous life.” At the very moment everyone is looking on in admiration, it fades away to nothing.
Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
Don’t let anyone under pressure to give in to evil say, “God is trying to trip me up.” God is impervious to evil, and puts evil in no one’s way. The temptation to give in to evil comes from us and only us. We have no one to blame but the leering, seducing flare-up of our own lust. Lust gets pregnant, and has a baby: sin! Sin grows up to adulthood, and becomes a real killer. So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
Saturday is our wedding anniversary, and my hope is that finally getting to that will be the thing that gets me to get back into sleeping regularly. Lack of sleep is really wearing on me; I can either do long days, or little sleep, but not both. It's actually rather annoying, because I've always said my super power is sleeping. But more specifically it is an ability to fall asleep- unfortunately sans one evening has not been the problem. I can fall asleep just fine. But I keep waking up. Crazy dreams. Sweating. Realizing I've cried in my sleep.
On the flip side of this, God is good in that I have self-control through the Spirit to not let all of the bubbling underbelly out to wreak havoc on my little world. I know that I can't just act based on how I feel, and being in the moment (which actually is an easy default, particularly as a musician) I think helps keep me from totally spiraling out of control. But I also know that my private time is not exactly exemplary. My car has heard more than it's fill of angry rants traveling between places. And it's not even like the anger is always because of something in particular, which is still the strangest/scariest part.
My other (short) rumination for the evening: because of assembling "the box" I have seen a lot of Cam's handwriting, which is such a strange thing to think that it was a regular part of my life for several years. Lots of cards with silly gifts, little sticky notes everywhere (EVERYWHERE), and then things that I wasn't necessarily meant to see, at least not so soon- journal entries, her own musings and schedules and questions. I can listen to her talk and play, I can see pictures of her, but somehow, for the time being, reading these things makes her the most "real" to me. Her personality, her care and attention to detail, her constant pursuit to better herself, her love for me.
It's all so crazy still. I wonder if it will ever not feel that way. I wonder if I would really want it to not feel that way.
James 1:2-18 (MSG)
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help.
You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.When down-and-outers get a break, cheer! And when the arrogant rich are brought down to size, cheer! Prosperity is as short-lived as a wildflower, so don’t ever count on it. You know that as soon as the sun rises, pouring down its scorching heat, the flower withers. Its petals wilt and, before you know it, that beautiful face is a barren stem. Well, that’s a picture of the “prosperous life.” At the very moment everyone is looking on in admiration, it fades away to nothing.
Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
Don’t let anyone under pressure to give in to evil say, “God is trying to trip me up.” God is impervious to evil, and puts evil in no one’s way. The temptation to give in to evil comes from us and only us. We have no one to blame but the leering, seducing flare-up of our own lust. Lust gets pregnant, and has a baby: sin! Sin grows up to adulthood, and becomes a real killer. So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
2/06/2020
The word for 2020
I set out to write tonight but I don't know exactly what I wanted to work through. It's officially solo and ensemble season, I've three events happening over the next three weekends. Because of that, my days have been more full than empty, which I hoped would help me fall asleep (which it has) and stay asleep (which it has not). It is rather annoying to keep seeing midnight, 2 AM, 4 AM, 5 AM, but at this point I'm almost used to it. I've actually used some of the time to do worthwhile stuff like laundry. I guess if it happens again overnight I have some reading that I am having trouble imagining I'll have time to complete before the end of the month.
There is something that is left unsaid. A word for this year, and it seems to be “redeem.” I don’t know if I have used this word before, and at the moment I am writing on my phone so looking up old entries is difficult. But what a great word, in the concept of time. Redeeming my time in the car with a liturgy podcast; redeeming my physical life with running and praying; redeeming the sleepless night with prayer and seeking God.
But man is it hard.
It is easier to be angry. To do mine numbing activities. To seek comfort in food or intellectual activities or relationships.
So I fight against the temptations of life, knowing that God redeems me ultimately but also learning more and more that God redeems me daily. His mercies are new every morning.
A last thought; I shared this with a friend but I need to share it with myself as well:
Lamentations 3 (MSG)
22-24 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
19-21 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all — oh, how well I remember —
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
34-36 Stomping down hard
on luckless prisoners,
Refusing justice to victims
in the court of High God,
Tampering with evidence —
the Master does not approve of such things.
There is something that is left unsaid. A word for this year, and it seems to be “redeem.” I don’t know if I have used this word before, and at the moment I am writing on my phone so looking up old entries is difficult. But what a great word, in the concept of time. Redeeming my time in the car with a liturgy podcast; redeeming my physical life with running and praying; redeeming the sleepless night with prayer and seeking God.
But man is it hard.
It is easier to be angry. To do mine numbing activities. To seek comfort in food or intellectual activities or relationships.
So I fight against the temptations of life, knowing that God redeems me ultimately but also learning more and more that God redeems me daily. His mercies are new every morning.
A last thought; I shared this with a friend but I need to share it with myself as well:
Lamentations 3 (MSG)
22-24 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
19-21 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all — oh, how well I remember —
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
31-33 Why? Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:
34-36 Stomping down hard
on luckless prisoners,
Refusing justice to victims
in the court of High God,
Tampering with evidence —
the Master does not approve of such things.
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