the unseen corkscrew

Well, I am still not sleeping, but tonight has been a rare evening where I've been home at a decent hour and so was able to do some important things (laundry, running, invoices, taxes, responding to e-mails that aren't about setting up rehearsals, etc.).  I am hopeful that soon after writing this that I will lay down and maybe get some decent rest.

Saturday is our wedding anniversary, and my hope is that finally getting to that will be the thing that gets me to get back into sleeping regularly.  Lack of sleep is really wearing on me; I can either do long days, or little sleep, but not both.  It's actually rather annoying, because I've always said my super power is sleeping.  But more specifically it is an ability to fall asleep- unfortunately sans one evening has not been the problem.  I can fall asleep just fine.  But I keep waking up.  Crazy dreams.  Sweating.  Realizing I've cried in my sleep.

On the flip side of this, God is good in that I have self-control through the Spirit to not let all of the bubbling underbelly out to wreak havoc on my little world.  I know that I can't just act based on how I feel, and being in the moment (which actually is an easy default, particularly as a musician) I think helps keep me from totally spiraling out of control.  But I also know that my private time is not exactly exemplary.  My car has heard more than it's fill of angry rants traveling between places.  And it's not even like the anger is always because of something in particular, which is still the strangest/scariest part.



My other (short) rumination for the evening: because of assembling "the box" I have seen a lot of Cam's handwriting, which is such a strange thing to think that it was a regular part of my life for several years.  Lots of cards with silly gifts, little sticky notes everywhere (EVERYWHERE), and then things that I wasn't necessarily meant to see, at least not so soon- journal entries, her own musings and schedules and questions.  I can listen to her talk and play, I can see pictures of her, but somehow, for the time being, reading these things makes her the most "real" to me.  Her personality, her care and attention to detail, her constant pursuit to better herself, her love for me.

It's all so crazy still.  I wonder if it will ever not feel that way.  I wonder if I would really want it to not feel that way.

James 1:2-18 (MSG)
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. 

You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.When down-and-outers get a break, cheer! And when the arrogant rich are brought down to size, cheer! Prosperity is as short-lived as a wildflower, so don’t ever count on it. You know that as soon as the sun rises, pouring down its scorching heat, the flower withers. Its petals wilt and, before you know it, that beautiful face is a barren stem. Well, that’s a picture of the “prosperous life.” At the very moment everyone is looking on in admiration, it fades away to nothing.

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.

Don’t let anyone under pressure to give in to evil say, “God is trying to trip me up.” God is impervious to evil, and puts evil in no one’s way. The temptation to give in to evil comes from us and only us. We have no one to blame but the leering, seducing flare-up of our own lust. Lust gets pregnant, and has a baby: sin! Sin grows up to adulthood, and becomes a real killer.  So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.