Tomorrow is Groundhog's day, the holiday eternally associated with repeated days because of some silly movie in the 90's, a day that also repeats for me far too often. It's been four years since Cam died. I woke up around 5 this morning, which is fine, it happens, but I could not get myself back to sleep. Sometimes I step back and look at my life and go "what are you doing? what happened?" Other times I can confidently know that all of the steps that have gotten me here have been ordained by God, that that is really the only explanation, and there is comfort in that.
I've been in Jax since September 2015, and people still ask how I got here. I used to tell people that it was because I was pursuing a master's at Trinity, which was only partially true. But at this point I've graduated and so that rarely enters the conversation. Sometimes I tell people that it's because I landed the job at the university, which is not really true at all. I had planned on moving up here before I even secured a job. No, the truth is that I needed to move away. I couldn't sleep in our house anymore. Other circumstances were happening that would have driven me to make some kind of life change even if Cam had survived, or at least lived longer. I ran. And I've had the impulse to run further several times since I've been here, the most recent being December 2017, which I've written about a little bit. But I think that I don't answer the question of "why are you in Jax?" honestly because the answer from the human standpoint immediately dries up the conversation. It's not shame. . . but it's the closest thing I can think of right now that it feels like. Because unless it's someone asking some specific questions who comes in with some bit of knowledge, either through seeing things on facebook or whatever, the conversation stalls. I'm good at answering questions- I'm not good at just telling a story. At least not this story.
It's been four years and I still haven't figured out how to really have conversations about Cam with people, outside of people who reach out to me and/or people who knew her. What continues to boggle my mind (though maybe it shouldn't) is the random people who know me because of her up here in Jax. I played a recital a couple weekends ago and someone came up to me and was asking if I was Cam's husband.
Cam's husband. That's a role and an identity that I look at and it's still so blurry.
I never really know what to anticipate when this time of year comes around. Partially because I take so much time to process things, partially because it's a couple hits back to back with our anniversary being on the 15th, partially because this is when musician life really ramps up and I just have so little headspace to do much outside of keep my head above the sea of rep.
So I'm taking this moment to remind myself to be kind to myself for the next couple weeks.
2/01/2019
1/29/2019
Clarion (and marathon)
There is nothing quite like visiting your wife's grave to finally gain some clarity.
2019 started with quite the. . . let's just say unexpected excitement. I have avoided writing about this year's marathon, I think in part because that always signals the real start of the new year for me, and I have been in denial about letting 2019 start, but also because I don't really like to write until there's something clear to write about (while writing helps me to process, I have to figure out what it is that I'm processing first).
And so what I experienced this morning as well as looking back at the race are both closely related, but let's quickly look back at the race first.
For the first time (in forever. . .) I completed training successfully. However, I blew the race by being overzealous in my early miles and hit the wall around 15 and ended up being slightly slower than last year's time overall. For comparison, my splits:
-------5 mile-----------10 Mile---------------Half------------------20 Mile
2018 ? 1:40 (10:04) 2:13 (10:28) 3:45 (13:23)
2019 46:24 (9:17) 1:34 (9:36) 2:07 (10:45) 3:43 (13:54)
And really, my half time from this past year is more like 2:01, I was in the bathroom less than .2 miles from the split, if I had known I was that close I would have held out a little bit longer. . . but anyway, all that to say, the recovery time on the other side of the race was much diminished because of training well. Last year, completing the marathon was about just recognizing I could still run a race (and if it had been another 6+ hr year, I would have quit doing them). This year, it was recognizing that I could do the training well. So next year, I will do both! And not that the marathon won't still be able to be a good gauge of the year, but really what this year's race showed me is that I'm getting back to where I'm not having to have an epic backstory, that I can run because it's fun, and it's not always about conquering life but can really finally take its rightful place back as a hobby and a diversion.
And I will also not blow my pace because I'm just too excited to run.
So with all that being said. . . some of the fire to get through training well was in part to combat some of the outside things that I've been dealing with. A lot of things have gotten off the rails in a couple different areas of life. And it would be easy to blame circumstances. And really, I have been.
It was this morning that I realized in a very practical way that I am not as much of a victim as I might think, and also I am not without influence and power. It is my own doubt about the goodness of God that has enhanced the flames and allowed the darts of Satan to trip me up.
Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, raying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
I have forgotten that reentering life means reentering the spiritual battlefield.
Instead of acting in faith, I've been letting the arrows pierce me. And sometimes just pushing them in further.
Instead of taking up the fight, I've been waiting for God to just swoop in and "make everything clear." But what's been made clear is that I'm to act. I'm to work out my salvation as God works in me.
I'm going to write about this in more detail hopefully sooner rather than later, but a couple other passages to consider for now:
James 1:5-7 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Matthew 21:18-22 In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once. When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither at once?” And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
2019 started with quite the. . . let's just say unexpected excitement. I have avoided writing about this year's marathon, I think in part because that always signals the real start of the new year for me, and I have been in denial about letting 2019 start, but also because I don't really like to write until there's something clear to write about (while writing helps me to process, I have to figure out what it is that I'm processing first).
And so what I experienced this morning as well as looking back at the race are both closely related, but let's quickly look back at the race first.
For the first time (in forever. . .) I completed training successfully. However, I blew the race by being overzealous in my early miles and hit the wall around 15 and ended up being slightly slower than last year's time overall. For comparison, my splits:
-------5 mile-----------10 Mile---------------Half------------------20 Mile
2018 ? 1:40 (10:04) 2:13 (10:28) 3:45 (13:23)
2019 46:24 (9:17) 1:34 (9:36) 2:07 (10:45) 3:43 (13:54)
And really, my half time from this past year is more like 2:01, I was in the bathroom less than .2 miles from the split, if I had known I was that close I would have held out a little bit longer. . . but anyway, all that to say, the recovery time on the other side of the race was much diminished because of training well. Last year, completing the marathon was about just recognizing I could still run a race (and if it had been another 6+ hr year, I would have quit doing them). This year, it was recognizing that I could do the training well. So next year, I will do both! And not that the marathon won't still be able to be a good gauge of the year, but really what this year's race showed me is that I'm getting back to where I'm not having to have an epic backstory, that I can run because it's fun, and it's not always about conquering life but can really finally take its rightful place back as a hobby and a diversion.
And I will also not blow my pace because I'm just too excited to run.
So with all that being said. . . some of the fire to get through training well was in part to combat some of the outside things that I've been dealing with. A lot of things have gotten off the rails in a couple different areas of life. And it would be easy to blame circumstances. And really, I have been.
It was this morning that I realized in a very practical way that I am not as much of a victim as I might think, and also I am not without influence and power. It is my own doubt about the goodness of God that has enhanced the flames and allowed the darts of Satan to trip me up.
Ephesians 6:10-18a
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, raying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
I have forgotten that reentering life means reentering the spiritual battlefield.
Instead of acting in faith, I've been letting the arrows pierce me. And sometimes just pushing them in further.
Instead of taking up the fight, I've been waiting for God to just swoop in and "make everything clear." But what's been made clear is that I'm to act. I'm to work out my salvation as God works in me.
I'm going to write about this in more detail hopefully sooner rather than later, but a couple other passages to consider for now:
James 1:5-7 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Matthew 21:18-22 In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once. When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither at once?” And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
12/31/2018
End of the year wrap-up (no links!)
Once upon a time I used to go back through my blog (because at least starting in college, maybe even in high school, in the days of livejournal and xanga. . . ) and post a "Year in Review" where I would put the first sentence/paragraph of a post from each month that "represented" how that month was viewed in my adolescent mind.
I am absolutely not doing that now. There's a list of my entries on the right, free for anyone to click through.
But it is the last day of 2018, and lots has happened, both good and bad, but mostly good. So here's a quick list of things in no particular order (though let's be honest, it's gonna probably be chronologically because that's what my brain does) that characterize the year for me:
- actually making good strides in a marathon for the first time in several years
- putting together my best show with some great and talented friends
- performing solo piano lit for the first time in quite a while
- graduating from Trinity
- performing internationally at ClarinetFest
- seeing my first Broadway shows in NYC
- successfully making my way through marathon training (and looking forward to the race!!)
- being called as an elder/pastor at Grace Life
I usually don't set out resolutions or theme words until after the marathon, since in some ways that belongs to the year prior, and I will probably keep with that tradition, so you can look forward to that in a couple weeks, after everyone else has made their own. I'm not mad about 2018 overall/I'm not super excited that it's over, but even though the next couple months may be difficult, I'm looking forward to continuing to be living and learning and engaging during 2019.
Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
I am absolutely not doing that now. There's a list of my entries on the right, free for anyone to click through.
But it is the last day of 2018, and lots has happened, both good and bad, but mostly good. So here's a quick list of things in no particular order (though let's be honest, it's gonna probably be chronologically because that's what my brain does) that characterize the year for me:
- actually making good strides in a marathon for the first time in several years
- putting together my best show with some great and talented friends
- performing solo piano lit for the first time in quite a while
- graduating from Trinity
- performing internationally at ClarinetFest
- seeing my first Broadway shows in NYC
- successfully making my way through marathon training (and looking forward to the race!!)
- being called as an elder/pastor at Grace Life
I usually don't set out resolutions or theme words until after the marathon, since in some ways that belongs to the year prior, and I will probably keep with that tradition, so you can look forward to that in a couple weeks, after everyone else has made their own. I'm not mad about 2018 overall/I'm not super excited that it's over, but even though the next couple months may be difficult, I'm looking forward to continuing to be living and learning and engaging during 2019.
Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
12/23/2018
Christmas is nigh. . . (also, link storm)
It's been a week, y'all.
(I can pretend to be southern, I've been down here almost ten years)
Really though. . . I'm going to try and organize my thoughts the best I can. I'm not super depressed like I was last year at Christmas, but I've had some struggles in trying to keep from slipping down that path again. I opened the floodgates last Sunday night and I think a lot of it has just been me dealing with the pain that's still down there. I don't mean to avoid or ignore it, and I'd also like to think that while the hurt never goes away, I hold on to hope and joy in Christ more of the time than I suppress emotions and just survive, but anyway, I did make one discovery on my run this afternoon-
(which, side note, I accomplished my 20 mile run on Friday, which was such a great win for what ended up being a low week. It's only the third time I've ran that far without stopping for more than just refueling, the first two times being the training for my second marathon and the subsequent race, right before we got married. It's been so long since I've had to make routes that long that I had forgotten the sense of adventure and discovery that happens when you start running the actual roads and not just plotting them out on a map. Anyway)
-I think one of the reasons that I am loath to talk with people about Cam is that I have had many people who were there in the beginning of this journey disappear from my life. There's a couple problems with this line of thought, because objectively I should know better that it's correlation and not causation. I also know that it's a common thing for a widow to have a change in friendship circles (point 2 in this list, the real life definition near the beginning here, literally this entire thing, the opening of this. . . not to mention research articles like this or this. Didn't mean for that to become a mini-rant, but also that's kind of the point) but it's hard not to think "well, my pain is too hard for those who I am close to, so sharing that with anyone new will just cause them to disappear as well." And I'm not sure how to change that kind of thinking. Is it just a rewiring of my brain? Do I have awkward conversations with people, asking what happened and why we're not really friends anymore? Do I just accept it as the new normal?
I'm 30. I don't know what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earlier this week I found myself in Psalm 13, which is not really one that I was immediately familiar with (I cling to 77 and 119 regularly). I think I literally typed in "How long God?" and it popped up. The ESV is good, but I'm almost through my journey through The Message and it's pretty powerful:
(I can pretend to be southern, I've been down here almost ten years)
Really though. . . I'm going to try and organize my thoughts the best I can. I'm not super depressed like I was last year at Christmas, but I've had some struggles in trying to keep from slipping down that path again. I opened the floodgates last Sunday night and I think a lot of it has just been me dealing with the pain that's still down there. I don't mean to avoid or ignore it, and I'd also like to think that while the hurt never goes away, I hold on to hope and joy in Christ more of the time than I suppress emotions and just survive, but anyway, I did make one discovery on my run this afternoon-
(which, side note, I accomplished my 20 mile run on Friday, which was such a great win for what ended up being a low week. It's only the third time I've ran that far without stopping for more than just refueling, the first two times being the training for my second marathon and the subsequent race, right before we got married. It's been so long since I've had to make routes that long that I had forgotten the sense of adventure and discovery that happens when you start running the actual roads and not just plotting them out on a map. Anyway)
-I think one of the reasons that I am loath to talk with people about Cam is that I have had many people who were there in the beginning of this journey disappear from my life. There's a couple problems with this line of thought, because objectively I should know better that it's correlation and not causation. I also know that it's a common thing for a widow to have a change in friendship circles (point 2 in this list, the real life definition near the beginning here, literally this entire thing, the opening of this. . . not to mention research articles like this or this. Didn't mean for that to become a mini-rant, but also that's kind of the point) but it's hard not to think "well, my pain is too hard for those who I am close to, so sharing that with anyone new will just cause them to disappear as well." And I'm not sure how to change that kind of thinking. Is it just a rewiring of my brain? Do I have awkward conversations with people, asking what happened and why we're not really friends anymore? Do I just accept it as the new normal?
I'm 30. I don't know what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earlier this week I found myself in Psalm 13, which is not really one that I was immediately familiar with (I cling to 77 and 119 regularly). I think I literally typed in "How long God?" and it popped up. The ESV is good, but I'm almost through my journey through The Message and it's pretty powerful:
Long enough, God—you’ve ignored me long enough.
I’ve looked at the back of your head long enough.
Long enough I’ve carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.
Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.
I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms— I’m celebrating your rescue.
I’m singing at the top of my lungs, I’m so full of answered prayers.
I'm not in this emotional state of questioning God as often these days, but it's a real thing. And God can handle our difficult questions and even our accusations. Matthew Henry describes the opening the best- "It is some ease to a troubled spirit to give vent to its griefs, especially to give vent to them at the throne of grace, where we are sure to find one who is afflicted in the afflictions of his people and is troubled with the feeling of their infirmities; thither we have boldness of access by faith, and there we have parresia —freedom of speech."
That word is in the NT several times, but probably my favorite is in Hebrews 10:
Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence (parrhesia) to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
But those questioning moments have to be followed by the recognition of God's character- His sovereignty, unending love, grace, faithfulness, consistency, goodness, the list goes on. We have to learn to live in the light of that truth.
Matthew Henry again- "his heart, which was now daily grieving, should rejoice in that salvation."
I'm fighting for that. I know God's redemption is in all of this. I know that there is plenty of God's work in my life that I can (and do) celebrate. I know Cam would be proud of what I've accomplished in following God's lead (as well as what I've accomplished as a musician). Next week is an exciting step in that journey, in being voted in as an elder/pastor at Grace Life, and literally there is no part of that that does not have God's hand in it. But recognizing that in the face of the everyday struggle is harder certain times more than others.
So here's to Christmas, for a time to surround ourselves with the reality of God. If God is not a reality to you. . . then reach out. Ask questions. Talk to me, or to someone who you know believes things that you may not. Seek the One Who we celebrate.
So here's to Christmas, for a time to surround ourselves with the reality of God. If God is not a reality to you. . . then reach out. Ask questions. Talk to me, or to someone who you know believes things that you may not. Seek the One Who we celebrate.
12/03/2018
too many things (but also at least one really good thing)
It is always shocking to see when the last entry was after knowing it has been a while since I have written. October 20. What happened since then (outside of the normal craziness). . .
A show at the university.
A concerto competition in the panhandle.
A thespian event in Orlando area.
Thanksgiving break in Michigan.
Six recitals.
So yeah. . . I think that's why I haven't had a chance to write. I almost did over Thanksgiving but I was working on an important project related to the process of becoming an elder at Grace Life Church, which makes a great segue to what I really want to get to. . .
This Sunday we announced to the church my candidacy to becoming an elder.
It's all good teaching, you can listen to the sermon here (I start talking around 39 minutes, there's a little bit of silence between 38 and 39).
I would write the story out here but in many ways, the story is contained within the entries of this blog. God has been in every detail up to this point, and I'm not really surprised that this is the point where I am at. There's a lot that will happen over the next few weeks. There have been a lot of swirling emotions around it, none of it particularly bad by any means, but just. . . things I need to write about. And I need to get through finals and juries before I think I will really be able to sit down and start to sort my thoughts.
So go listen to the sermon. Go read some entries. Ask me some questions. I'll be back to really write sometime after December 17th.
A show at the university.
A concerto competition in the panhandle.
A thespian event in Orlando area.
Thanksgiving break in Michigan.
Six recitals.
So yeah. . . I think that's why I haven't had a chance to write. I almost did over Thanksgiving but I was working on an important project related to the process of becoming an elder at Grace Life Church, which makes a great segue to what I really want to get to. . .
This Sunday we announced to the church my candidacy to becoming an elder.
It's all good teaching, you can listen to the sermon here (I start talking around 39 minutes, there's a little bit of silence between 38 and 39).
I would write the story out here but in many ways, the story is contained within the entries of this blog. God has been in every detail up to this point, and I'm not really surprised that this is the point where I am at. There's a lot that will happen over the next few weeks. There have been a lot of swirling emotions around it, none of it particularly bad by any means, but just. . . things I need to write about. And I need to get through finals and juries before I think I will really be able to sit down and start to sort my thoughts.
So go listen to the sermon. Go read some entries. Ask me some questions. I'll be back to really write sometime after December 17th.
10/21/2018
An angry week
This has been a strange week full of things that should not have been. And I've been angry. It's so easy to excuse anger, especially when you see it as a series of circumstances over which you have no control and little influence, and so therefore can do nothing about.
But that's only half of the story. Because we are in control of how we respond. Our emotions do not have to control our responses. So I have chosen to be angry about things this week, and the question I have been mulling over the past couple days is "why am I angry?" Really, when I look back at things, very little was all that terrible that I needed to be as angry as I was. So then, that points to an underlying problem, an anger because of something(s) else that instead of being dealt with directly is now channeled at all these circumstances (that I would honestly say 80% of the time I would have been pretty chill about).
So what is the real problem?
I think it's been two fold: first, that I'm not happy with some of my choices lately (see last entry) and so have not been as patient with myself as I could be; second, that as I continue to come back into living, I have to once again deal with my own ego. Both of these things are primarily tempered by taking a step back and gaining perspective. Camz was the best at doing that for me, and I try to find that voice inside myself. Well, sometimes I try. Sometimes it just comes. But probably more than I realize I have to make it a conscious effort.
It's also important to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing, but how we deal with it is. Psalm 4-
Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!” You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
And more clearly, Ephesians 4:22-27 gives some direct instruction as it quotes that part of the Psalm-
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
So it's a new week. A new chance to respond in and with the Spirit and not with my flesh. A week that I can either put myself forward or look to others' needs first.
One last thing- The Message version of Psalm 4 offers a couple of interesting images:
v. 1...- When I call, give me answers. God, take my side!
... and it's answer in v. 3- He listens the split second I call to him.
And then v. 8- At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together.
But that's only half of the story. Because we are in control of how we respond. Our emotions do not have to control our responses. So I have chosen to be angry about things this week, and the question I have been mulling over the past couple days is "why am I angry?" Really, when I look back at things, very little was all that terrible that I needed to be as angry as I was. So then, that points to an underlying problem, an anger because of something(s) else that instead of being dealt with directly is now channeled at all these circumstances (that I would honestly say 80% of the time I would have been pretty chill about).
So what is the real problem?
I think it's been two fold: first, that I'm not happy with some of my choices lately (see last entry) and so have not been as patient with myself as I could be; second, that as I continue to come back into living, I have to once again deal with my own ego. Both of these things are primarily tempered by taking a step back and gaining perspective. Camz was the best at doing that for me, and I try to find that voice inside myself. Well, sometimes I try. Sometimes it just comes. But probably more than I realize I have to make it a conscious effort.
It's also important to remember that anger is not necessarily a bad thing, but how we deal with it is. Psalm 4-
Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!” You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
And more clearly, Ephesians 4:22-27 gives some direct instruction as it quotes that part of the Psalm-
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
So it's a new week. A new chance to respond in and with the Spirit and not with my flesh. A week that I can either put myself forward or look to others' needs first.
One last thing- The Message version of Psalm 4 offers a couple of interesting images:
v. 1...- When I call, give me answers. God, take my side!
... and it's answer in v. 3- He listens the split second I call to him.
And then v. 8- At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep, for you, God, have put my life back together.
10/13/2018
All of the swirling emotions
The grief rock is weird. And this entry already feels scrambled.
September kicks off a 6 month period of crucial anniversaries, some happy and some not so much. But I had the recognition that the past few weeks I've been dealing with mood swings again, and the timing lines up perfectly. But awareness is the first step in being able to address an issue. I have a pretty good rhythm going with this semester (which, part of it is there is more space because I'm finished with the master's degree; I forgot how time consuming that really was) but I'm also realizing that I'm not making the best choices in dealing with my emotions. Some days I have done better than others, but at least I am fighting the tendency to isolate. And I'm doing my best not to let a temporary emotional state control my actions as much as possible.
Last fall I did not do a good job of fighting well. I think because I didn't want to deal with anything. I had had a good stride going in life from January until sometime in early August, and then I chose to fill up my life with all of the things instead of dealing with anything. And found myself empty and at the bottom of a dark hole by December. So the first part of this year has been about recovering from that, and really the end of summer/beginning of this fall I think I finally back on the living track.
So all that being said, I was reminded of Psalm 139, particularly v. 11-12:
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Whether I choose to live in darkness or light, that cannot separate me from God.
Side note- I had the feeling I've written something like this before. And I have- May 2017. And several things in some of my personal journals. So. . . . yay consistency?
September kicks off a 6 month period of crucial anniversaries, some happy and some not so much. But I had the recognition that the past few weeks I've been dealing with mood swings again, and the timing lines up perfectly. But awareness is the first step in being able to address an issue. I have a pretty good rhythm going with this semester (which, part of it is there is more space because I'm finished with the master's degree; I forgot how time consuming that really was) but I'm also realizing that I'm not making the best choices in dealing with my emotions. Some days I have done better than others, but at least I am fighting the tendency to isolate. And I'm doing my best not to let a temporary emotional state control my actions as much as possible.
Last fall I did not do a good job of fighting well. I think because I didn't want to deal with anything. I had had a good stride going in life from January until sometime in early August, and then I chose to fill up my life with all of the things instead of dealing with anything. And found myself empty and at the bottom of a dark hole by December. So the first part of this year has been about recovering from that, and really the end of summer/beginning of this fall I think I finally back on the living track.
So all that being said, I was reminded of Psalm 139, particularly v. 11-12:
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Whether I choose to live in darkness or light, that cannot separate me from God.
Side note- I had the feeling I've written something like this before. And I have- May 2017. And several things in some of my personal journals. So. . . . yay consistency?
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