I've been writing this in my head for the past few days, but every time I look at the computer, I keep hesitating, because I feel like I may not have a point or a cohesive story to tell.
But then I remember that the reason I write is for me to process, and considering I haven't written in a long time, it is fair to say I haven't processed much from this fall.
I'm not sure exactly when it began, but I do remember October being a strange month where I entered the desert. Definitely had a couple tough weeks then. And then I rallied at the beginning of November, but after that things started going downhill again. The past couple weeks I have been horribly depressed.
It's easy to get caught up in figuring out how I got there from here, perhaps because I like to analyze with the hope of not making the same missteps. But which findings are worthwhile, and which are superfluous? It's hard to tell. I think it's important to recognize that this isn't something that occurred acutely by any means, but has been several months of swallowing tiny lies and half-truths from the devil (sin is better, you've been doing ___ for so long so you can take a little break) until you get to the point of eating up the dumbest lies (what you are doing is meaningless, no one really cares about you). Couple that with the small voice way in the back that keeps saying "the bottom is going to fall out and you're eventually going to lose your mind" and you end up thinking that the best way to deal with problems is by disappearing, because isolating when you feel alone makes a whole lot of sense, right? The screaming silence and the silent screaming.
Anyway.
What I did find that I need to act on are as follows:
- I get pretty stuck in one perspective, at least when it comes to my own life issues. The grand irony of being flexible in art is finding how inflexible I am in other things. . . Cam was always great about listening and offering a new perspective. And not that there isn't anyone in my life who does that, but there isn't anyone that does it regularly. But part of that is due to my not being an "initiator" in conversation.
So. . .
- I've got to do better at talking to people. Part of it is having to learn to trust new people. . . unfortunately it seems like the people who have spoken into my life in the past few years have disappeared. I take responsibility for a large part of that, I know that a phone works both ways. . . but the flip side of that is that being ignored several times in a row sends a clear message.
- Preaching the gospel to myself has to never cease. I think it's John Piper who said something to the effect that you have to continually tell yourself gospel truths to your head until your heart takes hold of them.
- I've either got to start searching deeper for answers to the questions that plague me or learn different questions to ask. Even before the cancer diagnosis, the BIG QUESTION on my mind was "what if I'm a widower before I'm 30?" And we talked about it, it wasn't the most fun conversation, and there definitely was no conclusion reached. But as she was dying, she said, "I just want to make sure you're taken care of." Selfless to the end, but also, trying to find an answer to that BIG QUESTION. It's still the BIG QUESTION. But there are all sorts of questions that fit into that: Will I ever be a dad? Will I get married again? What's life look like in five years? Or even next year?
Which leads me to a final thought:
- What does it mean that my life is not my own? Because I have lived that way, but I know I'm not living that way currently. So why did I grasp control back? What's keeping me from letting go?
That's where I'm at.
8/26/2017
The quiet chaos (part 1)
In the stillness of the morning, before the birds are awake, amidst the buzzing insects and gentle breeze, you can hear it.
It's a sound you're familiar with, always present and always changing, yet always uniquely identifiable.
The quiet chaos.
The inner struggle, the war of flesh against spirit, the battle that feels eternal and yet we know is temporal.
It's the sound of light versus dark.
Selfishness versus selflessness.
Worldly lust versus zealous obedience.
Life versus death.
You try and pretend that it's not from you. It's the outside: the circumstances of life, the daily grind, the environment you're forced into. It certainly isn't you. But that sound isn't coming from outside.
So you try to cover it. It's quiet, after all, and if you can fill the space with louder noises, then you won't notice it. But you can only keep the white noise for so long.
So then you try to ignore it. It's easy to ignore at first, no more than a minor annoyance. But the consistency of unbridled chaos cooks at the back of your mind and boils your heart.
You start to look at what is causing the chaos, and though you may not want to admit it, many of them have come out of your own heart. But you see some new faces among the familiar ones. Regardless of where they came from, they are beating you down, old and new; they are united against you.
So you have a choice: do I stay down, or do I step up and fight?
The battle armor seems heavier, your arm feels sluggish as you try to use your sword. But you can't stay down, even if you keep getting knocked back, because you know you aren't fighting alone.
But....
Are you fighting well?
And so we cry out with Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death??"
It's a sound you're familiar with, always present and always changing, yet always uniquely identifiable.
The quiet chaos.
The inner struggle, the war of flesh against spirit, the battle that feels eternal and yet we know is temporal.
It's the sound of light versus dark.
Selfishness versus selflessness.
Worldly lust versus zealous obedience.
Life versus death.
You try and pretend that it's not from you. It's the outside: the circumstances of life, the daily grind, the environment you're forced into. It certainly isn't you. But that sound isn't coming from outside.
So you try to cover it. It's quiet, after all, and if you can fill the space with louder noises, then you won't notice it. But you can only keep the white noise for so long.
So then you try to ignore it. It's easy to ignore at first, no more than a minor annoyance. But the consistency of unbridled chaos cooks at the back of your mind and boils your heart.
You start to look at what is causing the chaos, and though you may not want to admit it, many of them have come out of your own heart. But you see some new faces among the familiar ones. Regardless of where they came from, they are beating you down, old and new; they are united against you.
So you have a choice: do I stay down, or do I step up and fight?
The battle armor seems heavier, your arm feels sluggish as you try to use your sword. But you can't stay down, even if you keep getting knocked back, because you know you aren't fighting alone.
But....
Are you fighting well?
And so we cry out with Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death??"
8/16/2017
The grass is greener. . .
Found myself in Psalm 100 today-
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.
Matt preached on John 10 this past week, focusing on Jesus as the good shepherd, so I couldn't help but be drawn to that part of this psalm. "Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture."
It's good to be reminded that God is still in control, in spite of personal difficulties, national tensions, or world events. That doesn't mean that we sit passively either, but we can have peace of mind that God will take care of His church. However, THAT DOES NOT mean that the USA is or will be made perfect and holy- it does mean that we, wherever we are, should be even more sensitive to the needs of those around us and share the good news that we have: that this life here on earth is not the end-all and that there is both a present and future hope in Christ. We should desire as God does that all should be saved, regardless of who they are and where they are in life.
So. . . are you inviting people to come to the pasture of the Good Shepherd, or are you just enjoying the grass?
Or, if you've seen the Church, and you recognize that the sheep are ugly and pretty dumb and imperfect, are you willing to look past that and learn why it is that they follow their Shepherd?
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.
Matt preached on John 10 this past week, focusing on Jesus as the good shepherd, so I couldn't help but be drawn to that part of this psalm. "Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture."
It's good to be reminded that God is still in control, in spite of personal difficulties, national tensions, or world events. That doesn't mean that we sit passively either, but we can have peace of mind that God will take care of His church. However, THAT DOES NOT mean that the USA is or will be made perfect and holy- it does mean that we, wherever we are, should be even more sensitive to the needs of those around us and share the good news that we have: that this life here on earth is not the end-all and that there is both a present and future hope in Christ. We should desire as God does that all should be saved, regardless of who they are and where they are in life.
So. . . are you inviting people to come to the pasture of the Good Shepherd, or are you just enjoying the grass?
Or, if you've seen the Church, and you recognize that the sheep are ugly and pretty dumb and imperfect, are you willing to look past that and learn why it is that they follow their Shepherd?
8/07/2017
Authority
Been meaning to clarify something I wrote last week but haven't been able to set it down into words. Cue Holy Spirit bringing me to a verse as I worked on my school assignment-
Titus 2:15- Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you.
I said something last week about not wanting to sound too authoritative. However, I have no issue standing on the authority of Scripture, on the promises of God and how they have been revealed in my life, and in trying my best to base my life on that belief system. What I am not an authority on is living a perfect life and doing all of that without fail. I think that's an important distinction, because many times as Christians I think we feel unqualified to speak about things because we know our own heart and the struggles we face. We know that we say and do stupid things, we know we know better, and so we let either guilt consume us or fear of being called hypocritical keep us from standing on God's Word.
But we can. We can claim God's authority on our lives, even as we are still figuring it out. Because we are always going to be figuring it out until we are made perfect in Christ.
The interesting thing about this verse is that I could not get a definitive answer about the grammar of the sentence from Greek (probably because I don't really know anything about Greek). The way it is written, is it saying that we teach, we exhort, and we rebuke with authority, or is it that authority carried across all three of those (if I were writing it in English clearly it would become "with authority we teach, we exhort, and we rebuke)? What I really discovered is regardless of the exact intent of that specific verse, we are given authority to teach and we are given authority to exhort. Teaching in some form is the calling of all disciples, whether it's done on a small scale or a large scale. That can be intimidating, but we can trust God's Word to speak into all lives. It's also exciting to think that God wants us to encourage each other. That we aren't meant to face life alone. That we can comfort others because we have been through difficult times.
And so I will keep writing authoritatively, not because my words are powerful, but because God's truth is undeniable.
Titus 2:15- Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you.
I said something last week about not wanting to sound too authoritative. However, I have no issue standing on the authority of Scripture, on the promises of God and how they have been revealed in my life, and in trying my best to base my life on that belief system. What I am not an authority on is living a perfect life and doing all of that without fail. I think that's an important distinction, because many times as Christians I think we feel unqualified to speak about things because we know our own heart and the struggles we face. We know that we say and do stupid things, we know we know better, and so we let either guilt consume us or fear of being called hypocritical keep us from standing on God's Word.
But we can. We can claim God's authority on our lives, even as we are still figuring it out. Because we are always going to be figuring it out until we are made perfect in Christ.
The interesting thing about this verse is that I could not get a definitive answer about the grammar of the sentence from Greek (probably because I don't really know anything about Greek). The way it is written, is it saying that we teach, we exhort, and we rebuke with authority, or is it that authority carried across all three of those (if I were writing it in English clearly it would become "with authority we teach, we exhort, and we rebuke)? What I really discovered is regardless of the exact intent of that specific verse, we are given authority to teach and we are given authority to exhort. Teaching in some form is the calling of all disciples, whether it's done on a small scale or a large scale. That can be intimidating, but we can trust God's Word to speak into all lives. It's also exciting to think that God wants us to encourage each other. That we aren't meant to face life alone. That we can comfort others because we have been through difficult times.
And so I will keep writing authoritatively, not because my words are powerful, but because God's truth is undeniable.
8/03/2017
Carried
I feel like there's a lot of things I could write about, which is good because it means my brain is processing, but summer is apparently over because I have been staying quite busy between school work, stuff for church, running, and rehearsals. So there are a few "drafts" in my head that I may eventually set down, or maybe not, but this morning I just need a quick moment to get my heart oriented the right direction before the day really begins.
A few days ago I was looking for something in the Psalms, I wasn't sure what, and came across Psalm 146, which says this (v. 5-9):
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.
There's a few key things: God is sovereignly in control as Creator; He is forever faithful; and He helps people in bad positions, including widows. I have so little knowledge in Hebrew and how it works, so I tried my best to figure out that word "uphold" and what it really means. From what I could gather, the root word is sometimes translated as "admonish," to earnestly advise or urge, but another thought about the word is that it means "return, go about, repeat, do again." The idea of something that is done over and over to show its importance. So in this case, it may be better to think of it as "restore" or "relieve." (Unfortunately the way the word is written it only occurs like this in this verse so that makes this exploration all the harder).
So after all of that, at the very least, I can say that God comes to us again and again, continually helping us, because He wants us to know that we are important enough in His eyes.
Which brings me to the next verse I read this morning, Psalm 68:19:
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation.
Totally different word here, this idea of bearing up is literally to "carry a load." Whether talking about loading up a beast of burden or physical labor, or the emotional side of carrying something like a weight, the idea here is much more clear. God carries us. Daily. And so Psalm 68:19 shows us the daily, repeated relief God gives us that is talked about in 146:9.
The One who made galaxies and ants. Light and gravity. Each and every unique thing, great and small. He carries us.
Because He cares about us.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
A few days ago I was looking for something in the Psalms, I wasn't sure what, and came across Psalm 146, which says this (v. 5-9):
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.
There's a few key things: God is sovereignly in control as Creator; He is forever faithful; and He helps people in bad positions, including widows. I have so little knowledge in Hebrew and how it works, so I tried my best to figure out that word "uphold" and what it really means. From what I could gather, the root word is sometimes translated as "admonish," to earnestly advise or urge, but another thought about the word is that it means "return, go about, repeat, do again." The idea of something that is done over and over to show its importance. So in this case, it may be better to think of it as "restore" or "relieve." (Unfortunately the way the word is written it only occurs like this in this verse so that makes this exploration all the harder).
So after all of that, at the very least, I can say that God comes to us again and again, continually helping us, because He wants us to know that we are important enough in His eyes.
Which brings me to the next verse I read this morning, Psalm 68:19:
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation.
Totally different word here, this idea of bearing up is literally to "carry a load." Whether talking about loading up a beast of burden or physical labor, or the emotional side of carrying something like a weight, the idea here is much more clear. God carries us. Daily. And so Psalm 68:19 shows us the daily, repeated relief God gives us that is talked about in 146:9.
The One who made galaxies and ants. Light and gravity. Each and every unique thing, great and small. He carries us.
Because He cares about us.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
7/26/2017
Expectations in prayer
My brain and heart are super-saturated at the moment, and at some point in the near future (hopefully tomorrow, perhaps while I deal with my car tire. . . . . .) I'll do some more fleshed out thoughts from the Send Conference, but there was one thing in particular from this afternoon that I've been mulling over and it's important enough that I don't want to lose grasp of it overnight.
Before I get into it, I feel I should give this warning: I have tried to be as transparent as possible from the beginning with what I have shared about my journey after Cam died (and even before I suppose, though my blog before then was a mess of half finished book projects and random things that were coming into my life as an early disciple). I am not pretending that I have revealed every single struggle and victory, but I have also tried my best to be clear that I do not have everything 100% figured out. Especially with eloquent writing (and being able to sit and think and hide behind a keyboard) it is very easy to come off too authoritatively. At the same time I want to share what I'm discovering in this kind of forum because I want people to be able to see Jesus in my search for hope, comfort, solace, whatever. And really at the end of the day, I am an internal processor, and doing this helps me to straighten out my thoughts easier than having actual conversations (not that I never want to talk, but actually it is easier for me to begin to talk to people after I have sorted out my thoughts. Otherwise my brain goes much, much faster than my mouth can and I end up incoherent. Or feel like it anyway), so in most ways these writings were always meant to be a public sharing of a personal processing.
That all being said. . .
One of the sessions I attended today was about changing the corporate prayer life of the local church. There was a lot of great stuff, some things I knew and had left at the wayside and other things I hadn't considered. It focused primarily on the Lord's Prayer as a template for all prayer life. Near the end of the session, the speaker focused on Jesus' last prayer in Gethsemane. There was some interesting commentary on some of the details around the story, but the primary thing that struck me in the context of dealing with grief (and Heather's death and my emotional response to not just last week but really even the past two and a half years) comes from Matthew 26:39-
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”
The speaker said something very telling about this (not an exact quote): if you continually pray to God to do impossible things that only He can do, and you do not take in to consideration His will and sovereignty, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment in prayer. Basically, there is every reason to come to the Creator of the universe and make requests that can only be completed by Him. . . but it is just as important to recognize that, just as Jesus said, "not as I will, but as you will."
My personal epiphany lies not in a changing of my prayer approach, but instead in realizing that someone, probably more than one someone, taught me to pray this way well. The analyst in me couldn't help but research my own past. . . so I found this from a couple years after I moved down here to Florida, and then this (which I am not linking but am pasting instead. . . I kept a journal for myself as I grieved, see processing concepts above, but I'm not ready to make that a public display yet) from six months after she died:
God is good. Sometimes I take that thought for granted. But yes, God is still good. I don't understand, but I look at my life circumstances and see His Hand all over. Making new friends (some even my age!!) and His provision in gigs (because now I'm not only a master's student but also going to be a full time musician rather than a teacher) and I can still praise Him even through the insanity of circumstances. I was reminded of that today. And my life wouldn't look like this at all if she were still here- in fact I would be in a very difficult situation and don't know that I would have made the right choice, since cancer came above all in those last few months. That doesn't mean I don't miss her, but even in this short time out I see Providence, which is encouraging. The places where I am plugging in were prepared in advance for me, and there is great comfort in that.
I can't help but think that this is the answer to the questions I have been semi-consciously asking myself- when will the grief finally break me? When do I have the big fallout, not just what happened right after, but where's the part where I lose my mind? When do I get stuck in bed for months on end?
The answer? As I cling to the truth of Scripture, in knowing the sovereignty of God and see that He is good and does good, that sometimes bad things happen through no one's fault, I do not have to worry about those things. Like the post I linked at the very top of this, I shouldn't expect to grieve like the world. . . and part of that solidity comes from a prayer life that is focused primarily on God and not on me. Do not get me wrong; from the time we got engaged (and probably before) my prayers were often centered around the quality of life Cam and I would share because of her history with cancer. . . and unfortunately I have no proof in my prior blogs because I stopped writing for a while, so boo on that, I would love to pull insight from there. . . anyway. But in all of that, both of us said "whatever God has in store, we trust Him, and we will go through it." I promise you I would not have been that strong if my wife had not been able to say that. . . but man, that was her personality. She even said to Heather (this was right after she was diagnosed and before Cam's re-cancer was discovered) that cancer is just a pause button in life, not pressing stop. Like. . . how do you go through 23 months of treatment and not be bitter? I posit and I am sure Cam would agree that that is only through God. Not that she or I had a perfect relationship with the Father, not that there weren't fights and anger toward Him and wondering why. . . but in the end, deep down the root of our faith was in the firm belief that God knows best and would walk with us through it all.
And He is still walking with me.
I feel like I got off the rails a bit there at the end, but I'm very tired and I need to wrap this up, so I guess my point is this: the prayer life of the Christian must be rooted in God's promises and character. It's something I am still learning, but for those people who have called me "strong" in this journey. . . just please know that it is not my strength, but God's. And if you lack that strength, if God doesn't make sense, or you don't know Him. . . then reach out and talk to me.
Before I get into it, I feel I should give this warning: I have tried to be as transparent as possible from the beginning with what I have shared about my journey after Cam died (and even before I suppose, though my blog before then was a mess of half finished book projects and random things that were coming into my life as an early disciple). I am not pretending that I have revealed every single struggle and victory, but I have also tried my best to be clear that I do not have everything 100% figured out. Especially with eloquent writing (and being able to sit and think and hide behind a keyboard) it is very easy to come off too authoritatively. At the same time I want to share what I'm discovering in this kind of forum because I want people to be able to see Jesus in my search for hope, comfort, solace, whatever. And really at the end of the day, I am an internal processor, and doing this helps me to straighten out my thoughts easier than having actual conversations (not that I never want to talk, but actually it is easier for me to begin to talk to people after I have sorted out my thoughts. Otherwise my brain goes much, much faster than my mouth can and I end up incoherent. Or feel like it anyway), so in most ways these writings were always meant to be a public sharing of a personal processing.
That all being said. . .
One of the sessions I attended today was about changing the corporate prayer life of the local church. There was a lot of great stuff, some things I knew and had left at the wayside and other things I hadn't considered. It focused primarily on the Lord's Prayer as a template for all prayer life. Near the end of the session, the speaker focused on Jesus' last prayer in Gethsemane. There was some interesting commentary on some of the details around the story, but the primary thing that struck me in the context of dealing with grief (and Heather's death and my emotional response to not just last week but really even the past two and a half years) comes from Matthew 26:39-
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”
The speaker said something very telling about this (not an exact quote): if you continually pray to God to do impossible things that only He can do, and you do not take in to consideration His will and sovereignty, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment in prayer. Basically, there is every reason to come to the Creator of the universe and make requests that can only be completed by Him. . . but it is just as important to recognize that, just as Jesus said, "not as I will, but as you will."
My personal epiphany lies not in a changing of my prayer approach, but instead in realizing that someone, probably more than one someone, taught me to pray this way well. The analyst in me couldn't help but research my own past. . . so I found this from a couple years after I moved down here to Florida, and then this (which I am not linking but am pasting instead. . . I kept a journal for myself as I grieved, see processing concepts above, but I'm not ready to make that a public display yet) from six months after she died:
God is good. Sometimes I take that thought for granted. But yes, God is still good. I don't understand, but I look at my life circumstances and see His Hand all over. Making new friends (some even my age!!) and His provision in gigs (because now I'm not only a master's student but also going to be a full time musician rather than a teacher) and I can still praise Him even through the insanity of circumstances. I was reminded of that today. And my life wouldn't look like this at all if she were still here- in fact I would be in a very difficult situation and don't know that I would have made the right choice, since cancer came above all in those last few months. That doesn't mean I don't miss her, but even in this short time out I see Providence, which is encouraging. The places where I am plugging in were prepared in advance for me, and there is great comfort in that.
I can't help but think that this is the answer to the questions I have been semi-consciously asking myself- when will the grief finally break me? When do I have the big fallout, not just what happened right after, but where's the part where I lose my mind? When do I get stuck in bed for months on end?
The answer? As I cling to the truth of Scripture, in knowing the sovereignty of God and see that He is good and does good, that sometimes bad things happen through no one's fault, I do not have to worry about those things. Like the post I linked at the very top of this, I shouldn't expect to grieve like the world. . . and part of that solidity comes from a prayer life that is focused primarily on God and not on me. Do not get me wrong; from the time we got engaged (and probably before) my prayers were often centered around the quality of life Cam and I would share because of her history with cancer. . . and unfortunately I have no proof in my prior blogs because I stopped writing for a while, so boo on that, I would love to pull insight from there. . . anyway. But in all of that, both of us said "whatever God has in store, we trust Him, and we will go through it." I promise you I would not have been that strong if my wife had not been able to say that. . . but man, that was her personality. She even said to Heather (this was right after she was diagnosed and before Cam's re-cancer was discovered) that cancer is just a pause button in life, not pressing stop. Like. . . how do you go through 23 months of treatment and not be bitter? I posit and I am sure Cam would agree that that is only through God. Not that she or I had a perfect relationship with the Father, not that there weren't fights and anger toward Him and wondering why. . . but in the end, deep down the root of our faith was in the firm belief that God knows best and would walk with us through it all.
And He is still walking with me.
I feel like I got off the rails a bit there at the end, but I'm very tired and I need to wrap this up, so I guess my point is this: the prayer life of the Christian must be rooted in God's promises and character. It's something I am still learning, but for those people who have called me "strong" in this journey. . . just please know that it is not my strength, but God's. And if you lack that strength, if God doesn't make sense, or you don't know Him. . . then reach out and talk to me.
7/15/2017
The ghost arm
So a few months back I made an analogy about grief being like a rock-
Today I have found it has shifted into something stranger. Specifically the past few days, and I don't know why, but now it's a ghost arm.
Now, to be fair, more than one someone mentioned this idea to me way back after Cam first died. They made a comparison to the feeling that one might have in a phantom limb after having lost it in an accident, that there's something that's attempting to be exercised or feels like it's moving but it isn't there. I didn't think there was much merit to that analogy, as it seems offensive to the person who is actually dealing with loss of limb.
But. . . . I've discovered that I do indeed have a ghost arm. Maybe it's been there since the beginning, maybe it's been slowly growing and now it's big enough to be noticed, I couldn't tell you. But it's there. And wreaking a little havoc.
That's not to say it is all bad- for the first time possibly ever I am emboldened to talk more openly, to not shy away from conversation or to shut it down once it begins. . . but that also means I am spewing it all out, or at least that's what it feels like. It's like the ghost arm is grabbing people, reaching out, slapping, waving, trying to bring as much attention as possible, and that's the part I don't like.
I know another part of this is that I've just been on a manic streak for a few days, so I'm doing a lot of writing and talking and e-mailing because there's a huge surge inside. And while it still ebbs and flows, it is tending to be more on the front edge of things rather than swirling in the background.
So, if I say something that's kind of random...that's why.
Today I have found it has shifted into something stranger. Specifically the past few days, and I don't know why, but now it's a ghost arm.
Now, to be fair, more than one someone mentioned this idea to me way back after Cam first died. They made a comparison to the feeling that one might have in a phantom limb after having lost it in an accident, that there's something that's attempting to be exercised or feels like it's moving but it isn't there. I didn't think there was much merit to that analogy, as it seems offensive to the person who is actually dealing with loss of limb.
But. . . . I've discovered that I do indeed have a ghost arm. Maybe it's been there since the beginning, maybe it's been slowly growing and now it's big enough to be noticed, I couldn't tell you. But it's there. And wreaking a little havoc.
That's not to say it is all bad- for the first time possibly ever I am emboldened to talk more openly, to not shy away from conversation or to shut it down once it begins. . . but that also means I am spewing it all out, or at least that's what it feels like. It's like the ghost arm is grabbing people, reaching out, slapping, waving, trying to bring as much attention as possible, and that's the part I don't like.
I know another part of this is that I've just been on a manic streak for a few days, so I'm doing a lot of writing and talking and e-mailing because there's a huge surge inside. And while it still ebbs and flows, it is tending to be more on the front edge of things rather than swirling in the background.
So, if I say something that's kind of random...that's why.
7/11/2017
Romans 5:3-5
Been a rough couple days emotionally. I would love to be able to say why. . . but really I don't know. I'm always finding my emotions coming a few days after things happen, and sometimes things blindside us, but I spent a two hour car ride trying to find a conclusion and I couldn't reach it. So maybe chalk it up to grief/mood swings/whatever. I hate to blow things off to not having a cause but sometimes it's more important to focus on what's next.
So. . I went to Romans. And it's this sentence that I've been mulling over.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
A familiar passage, and encouraging. . . but there is so much more there if we look at the original language.
(PS- I just go here for basic research. I have a desire to learn the intricacies of language and verb forms and such but I do not have that knowledge on my own).
So, some interesting words. The word "rejoice" sometimes is translated "glory" or "boast," which is a much closer idea. The word means to have one's "head up high." Paul uses this word a lot in 2 Corinthians as he is defending his character and ministry position. The imagery behind "suffering" is a literal pressure, being in a narrow spot and being abraded on either side. "Endurance" is pretty straightforward (some translations "steadfastness"), the idea of remaining under. "Character" is another interesting word; the idea of something that has been tested and proven to be good, or to pass the required marks. It's a positive word, the idea that a standard has been met and it gets a stamp of approval- it's a proof of being found genuine. The word "hope" here specifically has the flavor of an expectation of something that is certain to happen. There is anticipation, there is activity- it is not a dormant, passive hope. Finally, the verb for "poured" is the image of something being filled beyond its capacity, like the wineskins overflowing. And that is the picture here of God's agape love.
So here is the Ben Beck Expanded Translation of Romans 5:3-5 (©2017 BBET, v. 1)-
And while that is great, there's also enough of God for the hard times. We can hold our heads up in spite of the pressures of this life; the abrasions and stresses bring us the opportunity to hold fast to God's strength, and it's in those times of enduring under the weight that we will be made genuine. When we pass the test, we will know that God has brought us through. We can confidently give God the glory for this work, because His great love is gushed into our hearts in endless quantity from the Holy Spirit, which God gave us for this reason.
So. . I went to Romans. And it's this sentence that I've been mulling over.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
A familiar passage, and encouraging. . . but there is so much more there if we look at the original language.
(PS- I just go here for basic research. I have a desire to learn the intricacies of language and verb forms and such but I do not have that knowledge on my own).
So, some interesting words. The word "rejoice" sometimes is translated "glory" or "boast," which is a much closer idea. The word means to have one's "head up high." Paul uses this word a lot in 2 Corinthians as he is defending his character and ministry position. The imagery behind "suffering" is a literal pressure, being in a narrow spot and being abraded on either side. "Endurance" is pretty straightforward (some translations "steadfastness"), the idea of remaining under. "Character" is another interesting word; the idea of something that has been tested and proven to be good, or to pass the required marks. It's a positive word, the idea that a standard has been met and it gets a stamp of approval- it's a proof of being found genuine. The word "hope" here specifically has the flavor of an expectation of something that is certain to happen. There is anticipation, there is activity- it is not a dormant, passive hope. Finally, the verb for "poured" is the image of something being filled beyond its capacity, like the wineskins overflowing. And that is the picture here of God's agape love.
So here is the Ben Beck Expanded Translation of Romans 5:3-5 (©2017 BBET, v. 1)-
And while that is great, there's also enough of God for the hard times. We can hold our heads up in spite of the pressures of this life; the abrasions and stresses bring us the opportunity to hold fast to God's strength, and it's in those times of enduring under the weight that we will be made genuine. When we pass the test, we will know that God has brought us through. We can confidently give God the glory for this work, because His great love is gushed into our hearts in endless quantity from the Holy Spirit, which God gave us for this reason.
7/10/2017
Lyric analysis- Grace So Glorious
So we sang this song yesterday morning:
It's not a new song to Grace Life by any means. But I realized that even though I've sang it many times, I could not 100% tell you what I sang. It is easy to get caught up in the beauty of a song without recognizing what words are there. I do it constantly, especially when it's a well written song that's enjoyable to sing (great key, great harmonies, interesting dynamic structure, etc... this is one of those songs). And even when we look at lyrics, connected ideas are spaced out because they are written poetically, or if they are on a screen, they are spread out onto different slides. So as I was driving yesterday after church, I was thinking to myself. . . what is in that song? There are certainly pieces of it that are easy to connect to, good "holy words," but what's the whole message?
So I typed it out in more sentence form with some added punctuation:
I love interpretation when it comes to lyrics, and there's a lot of good stuff here. The first image, that the cross provides no place where our sin is not exposed, is powerful. It completely reveals our inadequacy. When we come before Jesus, we cannot hide anything. And why are there no shadows? Because the source of light, the Redeemer, is there. And He is there, taking on the death which we deserve. He literally died in our stead.
That is a glorious grace.
Immortal day. . . I think there's several things here. First, a day that would never be forgotten- the Church continually celebrates it, not just at Easter or during communion/Lord's supper, but hopefully weekly as we gather and daily as we struggle. But also a day that would prove immortality- the necessary death but the great conquering of death by being alive again! And God, being merciful, endured a literal crown of thorns as He hung there. Not the crown the King deserves (but the imagery to come! so this is intentional). Upon dying, we see a tear in not only the literal veil, but also that which denied access to God himself. No longer would we have to rely on earthly priests to mediate our requests, prayers, offerings, whatever, to God, because Jesus grants us that. And we are no longer bound to a system to try and earn perfection, no longer enslaved to follow a nature that goes against God.
That is a glorious grace.
When we come together here on earth to praise God, it is only a microcosm of the celebration that will be in heaven. I would love to jump into the King of righteousness but this is already getting pretty long. There's some really fascinating stuff there though. And eventually, everyone will recognize Jesus. . . and what He has done for us, it's not because we are so great. It is because God is great.
That is a glorious grace.
And then. . . the great hope that helps us to face the difficulties of this life. . . that we will eventually see Jesus face to face! We will be with Him! And we will work alongside Him, which should inspire and incite us to holy living (a living, by the way, that is not only about what we do but also what God does in us). We aren't just left to our own devices, because if we were, we would be hopeless.
That is a glorious grace!!
And then, my favorite part to sing-
Oh the glory of the Savior's love surrounding our surrender...
To know forever we are welcomed home...
When we finally give up control, the freedom found in God's love. . . . still something I am discovering and finding areas of life that I need to give over to God. I think that's why Paul prays we would understand how great God's love is. That we could say boldly, "It's not my life anymore, it is Christ's!" That's what we strive for. And even though we stray, we do dumb things, we mess up. . . God never gives up on us.
And then the chorus! The part we sing over and over!
Crowned in glory to glory; Worthy is the Lord of all the glory forever. Holy is the Lord!
Reminds me a lot of this scene from Revelation. The lyrics here are pretty straightforward. . . but just love the throwback to being crowned in glory rather than with thorns, crowned to glory as King rather than to wrath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of why we sing in church is an emotional response; part of why we sing is an intellectual response. For both the person who struggles in feeling the song and the one who gets caught up in the emotion but doesn't know why, it may be time to explore the deep truths that are embedded in the lyrics.
This went longer than I expected. . . but I need to do this more.
It's not a new song to Grace Life by any means. But I realized that even though I've sang it many times, I could not 100% tell you what I sang. It is easy to get caught up in the beauty of a song without recognizing what words are there. I do it constantly, especially when it's a well written song that's enjoyable to sing (great key, great harmonies, interesting dynamic structure, etc... this is one of those songs). And even when we look at lyrics, connected ideas are spaced out because they are written poetically, or if they are on a screen, they are spread out onto different slides. So as I was driving yesterday after church, I was thinking to myself. . . what is in that song? There are certainly pieces of it that are easy to connect to, good "holy words," but what's the whole message?
So I typed it out in more sentence form with some added punctuation:
Beneath the cross of Jesus Christ, no shadow remains for shame to hide. Redemption shone for all to see perfection bore our penalty with a grace so glorious.
Immortal day, the veil was torn when mercy donned a crown of thorns: as law gave way to liberty and freedom for humanity with a grace so glorious.
Oh the glory of the Savior's love surrounding our surrender...
To know forever we are welcomed home...
Crowned in glory to glory; Worthy is the Lord of all the glory forever. Holy is the Lord!
Triumphant praises without end, all hailing the King of righteousness. And every eye beholds the One our hearts were undeserving of with a grace so glorious.
O wondrous day when I will see the face of Him who ransomed me. I'll fall in worship at His feet and rise to reign eternally in a grace so glorious!
Immortal day, the veil was torn when mercy donned a crown of thorns: as law gave way to liberty and freedom for humanity with a grace so glorious.
Oh the glory of the Savior's love surrounding our surrender...
To know forever we are welcomed home...
Crowned in glory to glory; Worthy is the Lord of all the glory forever. Holy is the Lord!
Triumphant praises without end, all hailing the King of righteousness. And every eye beholds the One our hearts were undeserving of with a grace so glorious.
O wondrous day when I will see the face of Him who ransomed me. I'll fall in worship at His feet and rise to reign eternally in a grace so glorious!
I love interpretation when it comes to lyrics, and there's a lot of good stuff here. The first image, that the cross provides no place where our sin is not exposed, is powerful. It completely reveals our inadequacy. When we come before Jesus, we cannot hide anything. And why are there no shadows? Because the source of light, the Redeemer, is there. And He is there, taking on the death which we deserve. He literally died in our stead.
That is a glorious grace.
Immortal day. . . I think there's several things here. First, a day that would never be forgotten- the Church continually celebrates it, not just at Easter or during communion/Lord's supper, but hopefully weekly as we gather and daily as we struggle. But also a day that would prove immortality- the necessary death but the great conquering of death by being alive again! And God, being merciful, endured a literal crown of thorns as He hung there. Not the crown the King deserves (but the imagery to come! so this is intentional). Upon dying, we see a tear in not only the literal veil, but also that which denied access to God himself. No longer would we have to rely on earthly priests to mediate our requests, prayers, offerings, whatever, to God, because Jesus grants us that. And we are no longer bound to a system to try and earn perfection, no longer enslaved to follow a nature that goes against God.
That is a glorious grace.
When we come together here on earth to praise God, it is only a microcosm of the celebration that will be in heaven. I would love to jump into the King of righteousness but this is already getting pretty long. There's some really fascinating stuff there though. And eventually, everyone will recognize Jesus. . . and what He has done for us, it's not because we are so great. It is because God is great.
That is a glorious grace.
And then. . . the great hope that helps us to face the difficulties of this life. . . that we will eventually see Jesus face to face! We will be with Him! And we will work alongside Him, which should inspire and incite us to holy living (a living, by the way, that is not only about what we do but also what God does in us). We aren't just left to our own devices, because if we were, we would be hopeless.
That is a glorious grace!!
And then, my favorite part to sing-
Oh the glory of the Savior's love surrounding our surrender...
To know forever we are welcomed home...
When we finally give up control, the freedom found in God's love. . . . still something I am discovering and finding areas of life that I need to give over to God. I think that's why Paul prays we would understand how great God's love is. That we could say boldly, "It's not my life anymore, it is Christ's!" That's what we strive for. And even though we stray, we do dumb things, we mess up. . . God never gives up on us.
And then the chorus! The part we sing over and over!
Crowned in glory to glory; Worthy is the Lord of all the glory forever. Holy is the Lord!
Reminds me a lot of this scene from Revelation. The lyrics here are pretty straightforward. . . but just love the throwback to being crowned in glory rather than with thorns, crowned to glory as King rather than to wrath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of why we sing in church is an emotional response; part of why we sing is an intellectual response. For both the person who struggles in feeling the song and the one who gets caught up in the emotion but doesn't know why, it may be time to explore the deep truths that are embedded in the lyrics.
This went longer than I expected. . . but I need to do this more.
7/06/2017
On life and tario...
Well, I got back from Canada Friday night and then slept for most of Saturday, so my plans to have a fresh reflection went out the window pretty quickly. But it was a great trip, and I'll get to that in a second.
First, once again, I know that my brain works this way but it still annoys me that I accomplish so much more when I have even the slightest inkling of a schedule; getting back into rehearsals this week has been great, and I've been motivated to do quite a bit, which is why it has taken until now to finally write. (Also I went up to Sky Valley Sunday/Monday so that was 16 hours in a car that I wasn't able to spend doing anything else but driving, so there's that)
I'm taking this month off from running. It's just too hot, and I don't have to start my next training until the 2nd week in August. I can make myself to run a few miles in the heat once I have a goal/reason to do so, but there's no sense in forcing myself into misery for the next few weeks. Instead I'm just gonna do some indoor workouts at home (I found a set of training videos that has one of my favorite phrases: lots of options) and keep my stamina/endurance levels up while maybe trying to knock off a few more pounds before hitting the ground. . . running. . . again.
There are also a couple other things around the corner. . . but no need to give away all the excitement at one time.
So. . . .
Canada.
It really was a great trip. On the social/fun activity side of things, we got to spend a day at Niagara Falls (which is insane, the rushing water all around you, just magnificent, and only a piece of the power and glory of God we can observe here on earth), and I got a dessert the size of my head for my birthday (which is really how one should be able to order celebratory desserts). I think #29 is rivaled only by #26, because really, what could be better than Dinosaur World?
Also, by the grace of God, none of my puns warranted me getting slapped, so that is always a win in my book.
After settling in (Airbnb for the win), the first full day we helped with a "Free Sale," which was a really interesting idea. People donated stuff, and instead of buying items with money, the community was asked to contribute with either stuff or with canned goods, and then take whatever they wanted. It was neat to see how much food came in (that was later donated to a food bank). What was even more interesting was the conversations though; being able to talk to people about Jesus who had never even heard of Him, perhaps never really thought about God, and certainly weren't "churched." We also got to meet several of the Fellowship Oshawa people and I know I had some good conversations because of that.
(Here is the problem without a fresh reflection. . . I don't remember what we did that evening. Like. . . no clue. Passed out flyers perhaps? Because I know) the next day was Sunday, so we helped set-up, and Courtney and I were given the opportunity to lead the music along with their music guy, Kyle (so maybe the night before we had dinner? Because the three of us rehearsed that evening. So I'm going to go with that). Always good to be in a familiar scenario, setting up in a school cafeteria and having a come-as-you-are approach. That night we had a training session that really opened up my eyes to a great tool for evangelism/discipling, simple but effective, which is usually best.
Monday was the day we went to Niagara. As previously stated, it was a great time.
Tuesday we passed out some flyers for their summer kids camp. The best moment there was when a young girl asked, "Is this the Jared and Jen camp??" (this it their third year doing a camp in the area). Really interesting that you can just go around and put flyers in peoples' boxes, if you have the manpower why waste the stamps? That night we went to a park and had some intentional gospel conversations. It was cold and had been raining the hours leading up to it, so there weren't a lot of people. The older couple that Kyle and I spoke to were very receptive in having a conversation, but unfortunately held to being church attenders as good enough. They weren't really interested in a God who was interested in them personally.
Wednesday morning we did a prayer walk through the downtown Oshawa area. To say it was eye opening is an understatement. The homeless situation, the sex trafficking, the lack of efforts beyond humanitarian focus through religious feelings. . . heart breaking. And I can only imagine how much I miss in the area I live in. That night the Huntley's hosted a cookout for their life group and their neighbors, and quite a few people showed up. They got to make connections with people they didn't know yet, so that's always a good thing. Wednesday night is also when I heard the news that Heather passed away. I had the thought before we went on the trip of perhaps going over to see them, or that maybe that might happen. . . but I was still a little stunned that it did. There's lots more to say there but that's for another entry; for now, all I will say is boo cancer.
Thursday we passed out some more flyers for the kids camp, and then that afternoon helped with some of the nuts and bolts side of church planting (lesson planning for kids, data input, running errands, dreaming up some future plans, etc). We also went to a nice restaurant for my birthday which had quite the variety of food choices (I got butter chicken, not too spicy) before attending one of their small groups that night. That also was great to see a group of somewhat random people coming together and being willing to share their lives with each other and hear from the Word.
All in all, I learned a lot about myself and have been inspired to be more kingdom-minded in my approach to life. I always feel like there is so much to be said but at the very least I can look back at this and remind myself of what happened, which will in turn remind me of why it mattered, because really I'm writing for me and you all just get to see a slice of my brain. One more thing I'll say: it's nice to have finally met people that I've only heard about or connected on Facebook with, and it's really neat to see already how friendships formed quickly can turn into a great encouragement.
First, once again, I know that my brain works this way but it still annoys me that I accomplish so much more when I have even the slightest inkling of a schedule; getting back into rehearsals this week has been great, and I've been motivated to do quite a bit, which is why it has taken until now to finally write. (Also I went up to Sky Valley Sunday/Monday so that was 16 hours in a car that I wasn't able to spend doing anything else but driving, so there's that)
I'm taking this month off from running. It's just too hot, and I don't have to start my next training until the 2nd week in August. I can make myself to run a few miles in the heat once I have a goal/reason to do so, but there's no sense in forcing myself into misery for the next few weeks. Instead I'm just gonna do some indoor workouts at home (I found a set of training videos that has one of my favorite phrases: lots of options) and keep my stamina/endurance levels up while maybe trying to knock off a few more pounds before hitting the ground. . . running. . . again.
There are also a couple other things around the corner. . . but no need to give away all the excitement at one time.
So. . . .
Canada.
It really was a great trip. On the social/fun activity side of things, we got to spend a day at Niagara Falls (which is insane, the rushing water all around you, just magnificent, and only a piece of the power and glory of God we can observe here on earth), and I got a dessert the size of my head for my birthday (which is really how one should be able to order celebratory desserts). I think #29 is rivaled only by #26, because really, what could be better than Dinosaur World?
Also, by the grace of God, none of my puns warranted me getting slapped, so that is always a win in my book.
After settling in (Airbnb for the win), the first full day we helped with a "Free Sale," which was a really interesting idea. People donated stuff, and instead of buying items with money, the community was asked to contribute with either stuff or with canned goods, and then take whatever they wanted. It was neat to see how much food came in (that was later donated to a food bank). What was even more interesting was the conversations though; being able to talk to people about Jesus who had never even heard of Him, perhaps never really thought about God, and certainly weren't "churched." We also got to meet several of the Fellowship Oshawa people and I know I had some good conversations because of that.
(Here is the problem without a fresh reflection. . . I don't remember what we did that evening. Like. . . no clue. Passed out flyers perhaps? Because I know) the next day was Sunday, so we helped set-up, and Courtney and I were given the opportunity to lead the music along with their music guy, Kyle (so maybe the night before we had dinner? Because the three of us rehearsed that evening. So I'm going to go with that). Always good to be in a familiar scenario, setting up in a school cafeteria and having a come-as-you-are approach. That night we had a training session that really opened up my eyes to a great tool for evangelism/discipling, simple but effective, which is usually best.
Monday was the day we went to Niagara. As previously stated, it was a great time.
Tuesday we passed out some flyers for their summer kids camp. The best moment there was when a young girl asked, "Is this the Jared and Jen camp??" (this it their third year doing a camp in the area). Really interesting that you can just go around and put flyers in peoples' boxes, if you have the manpower why waste the stamps? That night we went to a park and had some intentional gospel conversations. It was cold and had been raining the hours leading up to it, so there weren't a lot of people. The older couple that Kyle and I spoke to were very receptive in having a conversation, but unfortunately held to being church attenders as good enough. They weren't really interested in a God who was interested in them personally.
Wednesday morning we did a prayer walk through the downtown Oshawa area. To say it was eye opening is an understatement. The homeless situation, the sex trafficking, the lack of efforts beyond humanitarian focus through religious feelings. . . heart breaking. And I can only imagine how much I miss in the area I live in. That night the Huntley's hosted a cookout for their life group and their neighbors, and quite a few people showed up. They got to make connections with people they didn't know yet, so that's always a good thing. Wednesday night is also when I heard the news that Heather passed away. I had the thought before we went on the trip of perhaps going over to see them, or that maybe that might happen. . . but I was still a little stunned that it did. There's lots more to say there but that's for another entry; for now, all I will say is boo cancer.
Thursday we passed out some more flyers for the kids camp, and then that afternoon helped with some of the nuts and bolts side of church planting (lesson planning for kids, data input, running errands, dreaming up some future plans, etc). We also went to a nice restaurant for my birthday which had quite the variety of food choices (I got butter chicken, not too spicy) before attending one of their small groups that night. That also was great to see a group of somewhat random people coming together and being willing to share their lives with each other and hear from the Word.
All in all, I learned a lot about myself and have been inspired to be more kingdom-minded in my approach to life. I always feel like there is so much to be said but at the very least I can look back at this and remind myself of what happened, which will in turn remind me of why it mattered, because really I'm writing for me and you all just get to see a slice of my brain. One more thing I'll say: it's nice to have finally met people that I've only heard about or connected on Facebook with, and it's really neat to see already how friendships formed quickly can turn into a great encouragement.
5/27/2017
An amalgamation of side notes
I'm sure I could probably have written fuller, more fleshed out musings on many of these things, but I haven't had the mental energy to do so, which actually provides a nice segue to the first point on the list:
- The grief rock has me on a weird cycle. The past five or six weeks it's been kind of like this:
I never would have understood mood swings until I experienced them, or at least, recognized that I was experiencing them. And that's where I've been at the past week, maybe ten days, like this:
Thankfully I have been through this before, but as it's happening, you can't help but think that it's just going to continue to cycle faster and faster until your head explodes. What it probably actually means is that I just need to have a healthy cry, as I haven't really wept since I was in China and had a crazy dream, and that was over a year ago.
- I had the opportunity to babysit a beautiful five month old to help out two of my besties. It is terrifyingly humbling to be put in charge of a tiny human who cannot do anything for themselves. It really was an enjoyable two days though, mostly because at the end of the day she isn't my child. I have a greater appreciation for parents everywhere, and especially for single parents- I don't know how anyone does that. I also got a better appreciation for (what I feel like is a stereotypical musician's favorite) this passage of Scripture. This idea of singing over someone. . . granted, singing to a baby to get her to sleep is not a new technique (but side note within a side note, baby whispering runs in my family; my dad has always had a way with small children, to the point where he cannot be in the room with my nephew if anyone else wants to spend time with him, because he will literally only want to be with my dad. It's crazy), but it just struck me what a beautiful picture that is.
Granted, the things I sang were quite varied, whether praise/church songs or musical theater or kids songs (although I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to be a parent because one of my verses of "The Wheels on the Bus" involved a drug dealer asking "Want some crack?" so yeah), and really my default is to improvise chant melodies in a low range, typically Phrygian also sometimes I will shift over to Mixolydian for fun, but still, it gave me a perspective on the Father's love for His children and I still haven't 100% worked through that yet.
- I got asked to play for a cabaret (in town!!) this weekend (and actually have another show tonight) with a local community theater. It never ceases to amaze me how open theater people are. I mean, I show up to a rehearsal Wednesday to play piano with a group of people who have never met me (#sidenotewithinasidenote it is such a strange proposition to ask someone to print some music and meet a stranger, and that stranger to tell them to just sing and he'll play the piano and everything will be fine. And it is. But still, strange) and I am immediately accepted and loved. And it's super fun, to just show up and perform. There's a freshness in having to sightread/sight-accompany that makes this kind of performance different than most other things I do. But either way, I'm looking forward to many more collaborations with them.
- It is insane to think about the opportunities I've had in my life to have great musical experiences and to have learned the things I have in the amount of life I've had. I would say I've been spoiled but that sounds too negative, blessed sounds super cliched (#blessed), and fortunate sounds too accidental. So I guess I will say that I am thankful that God in His sovereignty saw fit to put the pieces in my life together to bring me to a point where, for the time being, I can not only survive financially as a musician but enjoy doing it. I can point to many difference experiences and people that have helped to craft me into the artist that I am still figuring out how to be, and that's pretty awesome.
#sidenotes
5/13/2017
My first half marathon
I don't want to downplay the accomplishment of having completed the half marathon today because I've done several full marathons at this point, but. . . . you guys, I ran fast. 1:59:30.
That is stupid. I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow.
But if we go back to that post where I talked about races. . . here is the beautiful thing.
This morning was very enjoyable because I was there. The smell of the air and the trees and the flowers, the feeling of the pavement and the trails and the wet, the taste of these amazing dumplings with a pineapple curry sauce (that was after the race, but still). . .
It was nice to be back to running and enjoying life. In many ways, it felt like something I had known before but different somehow. And in some other areas of life recently. . . I'm also getting a fresh start. I know there is so much more to say but my brain is jello and so are my legs. But God is too good. Way too good to me.
#return
That is stupid. I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow.
But if we go back to that post where I talked about races. . . here is the beautiful thing.
This morning was very enjoyable because I was there. The smell of the air and the trees and the flowers, the feeling of the pavement and the trails and the wet, the taste of these amazing dumplings with a pineapple curry sauce (that was after the race, but still). . .
It was nice to be back to running and enjoying life. In many ways, it felt like something I had known before but different somehow. And in some other areas of life recently. . . I'm also getting a fresh start. I know there is so much more to say but my brain is jello and so are my legs. But God is too good. Way too good to me.
#return
5/01/2017
Wellllll....
It's May.
This week coming up isn't too crazy, but still full, and then-
after May 7-
FREEDOM.
Relatively, of course.
I'm very much feeling like a plane landing, as it hits the tarmac and starts to decelerate and all the fast air rushes past. It's good timing in that this is another one of those tougher weeks, where the grief rock is heavier and digging in, and it's hard to go full steam ahead when you're trying to deal with that. But it will be nice to have some quiet weeks ahead. Even when rehearsals start back up in June, I will still have most mornings and days and some evenings. Time to reflect. Time to unwind. Time to process. Time to relax, as much as I ever can.
And time to write, perhaps?
This week coming up isn't too crazy, but still full, and then-
after May 7-
FREEDOM.
Relatively, of course.
I'm very much feeling like a plane landing, as it hits the tarmac and starts to decelerate and all the fast air rushes past. It's good timing in that this is another one of those tougher weeks, where the grief rock is heavier and digging in, and it's hard to go full steam ahead when you're trying to deal with that. But it will be nice to have some quiet weeks ahead. Even when rehearsals start back up in June, I will still have most mornings and days and some evenings. Time to reflect. Time to unwind. Time to process. Time to relax, as much as I ever can.
And time to write, perhaps?
4/07/2017
Running and redemption
Just a quick post as I liked the imagery that came from real life today. . .
So I ran 7 miles today successfully. Yay for that. But as I began running, I had the thought of "I'm going to redeem myself after the fiasco last week." After all:
Last week I was running in 80/90 degree weather. Today it was 50/60.
Last week I ran two days in a row. Today I had taken a rest day in-between.
Last week I decided somewhat last minute to change my plans. Today I had prepped myself all week.
Last week I was in a rush to get to a show. Today I have a little extra time before I have to get going.
But isn't that the picture of our Christian struggle? We try to do things on our own, in bad timing, ignorant of what we've just gone through, never looking ahead, squeezing things into our busy lives that only serve to distract and ultimately disappoint us. Instead of trusting in God and His plan, we decide we know better.
And then we fail.
But God offers us a different way of doing things. A redeeming not only eternally but daily. In our struggle, in our pursuit, our task is to rely on God's way. And here's the important part (that I have to constantly remind myself of): Jesus said "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." But He didn't stop there. "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There are all kinds of exhortations in the New Testament about our side of sanctification- faith without deeds is dead (James 2:17-18), work our your salvation (Philippians 2:12), the life we live we live by faith (Galatians 2:20). But we aren't left to our own strength, as God works in us (Philippians 2:13) and He will complete us (1:6). So keep fighting. Keep working. Keep running.
7 miles is not a burden-less task. But it's way easier to do it when you're doing it right.
So I ran 7 miles today successfully. Yay for that. But as I began running, I had the thought of "I'm going to redeem myself after the fiasco last week." After all:
Last week I was running in 80/90 degree weather. Today it was 50/60.
Last week I ran two days in a row. Today I had taken a rest day in-between.
Last week I decided somewhat last minute to change my plans. Today I had prepped myself all week.
Last week I was in a rush to get to a show. Today I have a little extra time before I have to get going.
But isn't that the picture of our Christian struggle? We try to do things on our own, in bad timing, ignorant of what we've just gone through, never looking ahead, squeezing things into our busy lives that only serve to distract and ultimately disappoint us. Instead of trusting in God and His plan, we decide we know better.
And then we fail.
But God offers us a different way of doing things. A redeeming not only eternally but daily. In our struggle, in our pursuit, our task is to rely on God's way. And here's the important part (that I have to constantly remind myself of): Jesus said "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." But He didn't stop there. "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There are all kinds of exhortations in the New Testament about our side of sanctification- faith without deeds is dead (James 2:17-18), work our your salvation (Philippians 2:12), the life we live we live by faith (Galatians 2:20). But we aren't left to our own strength, as God works in us (Philippians 2:13) and He will complete us (1:6). So keep fighting. Keep working. Keep running.
7 miles is not a burden-less task. But it's way easier to do it when you're doing it right.
4/03/2017
The grief rock
I haven't talked much publicly about my grief process. Writing is a great way for me to express as it sets thoughts in a tangible way- not that those thoughts can't change or aren't temporary, but I can use them as an assessment of a specific point. Also, whether the audience ends up being me alone or something more exposed like this, I think there's value in writing to the invisible audience. So anyway, I came up with this analogy, and it's probably a little obtuse, but not as bad as the molecular reaction turkey handshake.
It's like a rock that I carry around. Maybe a little larger than a microwave. And this rock, it has a lot of different materials, a lot of different surfaces and textures. . . it seems like you can look at it from every angle and it always seems a little different, there's always something new to discover. Some parts of it are smooth, too smooth to grip, and other parts are rough, sharp even. And so sometimes I am carrying the rock and it is scraping my hands, or maybe I hold it to one side and it jabs into my torso, or if I sling it over my back it can't stay still because the smooth parts won't grip on to anything. Sometimes when I'm carrying it I notice its weight. It's not unbearably heavy, but it's also not something that is easy to carry around. Mostly it's uncomfortable. But sometimes I'm carrying it and don't even notice it; I can run and hold it above my head, or tote it behind me as I work on other things with my hands. Sometimes I'm even able to set it down for a while and go and do other things. . . but I always come back to it. Sometimes I kick it or punch it, but that only proves to hurt me and not change the rock at all.
And so I find myself asking a lot of questions about it. Is there something useful I'm supposed to be doing with it? Is there an opportunity to shape it into something new? The material won't change, but perhaps I can craft it into something. Or maybe I'm not supposed to carry it around. Is there somewhere I should put it, set it as a monument or memorial so that I can come back to it if I want, but I don't have to continue to cart it everywhere? Or maybe. . . is there some other option? It seems there is always something new to be discovered about it. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing with it, just embrace it as a part of the daily walk of life?
As I thought through this imagery last night after what had ended up being a day where I was aware of the weight and the roughness and the discomfort, I realized there's something else to add. Because there is Someone else in the picture. Someone who is right here with me. Someone who has dealt with this kind of rock. Someone who understands. Someone who offers compassion. Someone who offers to help. And so now my question is this: am I supposed to give my rock to Him? Is it something we can trade back and forth, or is it something that I need to let go of completely? If I can be rid of it, how do I do that? How do I let go?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A line from "Hello, Dolly" has been bouncing around in my head (which, side note, until I became a widower I never realized how often that is used as a storytelling device, including in theater. I suppose any new normal brings an awareness and sensitivity to any similar experience):
But lately, Ephraim, I've begun to realize that for a long time... I have not shed one tear. Nor have I been for one moment outrageously happy.
I can't begin to tell you how much I identify with that statement. But near the end of that same monologue, she states:
I've decided to join the human race again.
In many ways, that is what I've been moving towards these past few months. To return to my life. To return to God and His plan and His will. To join the land of the living.
So while the question still remains, I will continue to seek the Answer.
It's like a rock that I carry around. Maybe a little larger than a microwave. And this rock, it has a lot of different materials, a lot of different surfaces and textures. . . it seems like you can look at it from every angle and it always seems a little different, there's always something new to discover. Some parts of it are smooth, too smooth to grip, and other parts are rough, sharp even. And so sometimes I am carrying the rock and it is scraping my hands, or maybe I hold it to one side and it jabs into my torso, or if I sling it over my back it can't stay still because the smooth parts won't grip on to anything. Sometimes when I'm carrying it I notice its weight. It's not unbearably heavy, but it's also not something that is easy to carry around. Mostly it's uncomfortable. But sometimes I'm carrying it and don't even notice it; I can run and hold it above my head, or tote it behind me as I work on other things with my hands. Sometimes I'm even able to set it down for a while and go and do other things. . . but I always come back to it. Sometimes I kick it or punch it, but that only proves to hurt me and not change the rock at all.
And so I find myself asking a lot of questions about it. Is there something useful I'm supposed to be doing with it? Is there an opportunity to shape it into something new? The material won't change, but perhaps I can craft it into something. Or maybe I'm not supposed to carry it around. Is there somewhere I should put it, set it as a monument or memorial so that I can come back to it if I want, but I don't have to continue to cart it everywhere? Or maybe. . . is there some other option? It seems there is always something new to be discovered about it. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing with it, just embrace it as a part of the daily walk of life?
As I thought through this imagery last night after what had ended up being a day where I was aware of the weight and the roughness and the discomfort, I realized there's something else to add. Because there is Someone else in the picture. Someone who is right here with me. Someone who has dealt with this kind of rock. Someone who understands. Someone who offers compassion. Someone who offers to help. And so now my question is this: am I supposed to give my rock to Him? Is it something we can trade back and forth, or is it something that I need to let go of completely? If I can be rid of it, how do I do that? How do I let go?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A line from "Hello, Dolly" has been bouncing around in my head (which, side note, until I became a widower I never realized how often that is used as a storytelling device, including in theater. I suppose any new normal brings an awareness and sensitivity to any similar experience):
But lately, Ephraim, I've begun to realize that for a long time... I have not shed one tear. Nor have I been for one moment outrageously happy.
I can't begin to tell you how much I identify with that statement. But near the end of that same monologue, she states:
I've decided to join the human race again.
In many ways, that is what I've been moving towards these past few months. To return to my life. To return to God and His plan and His will. To join the land of the living.
So while the question still remains, I will continue to seek the Answer.
3/31/2017
Running and performing
First of all, one of my resolutions for this year was to write around once a week, no matter how little or how mundane. That obviously hasn't happened.
Another one of my resolutions was to not tell people my resolutions.
So....0 for 2 so far.
So in my journey to become healthy again, I have picked up running. I've always enjoyed running, and I'm glad to make the time for it in my schedule, as it's very much a prayer/zen/sometimes the only time I get to see the sun place. I signed up for a half marathon in May, both to keep myself motivated to run and to get a decent time so I can have a higher corral placement at the 2018 Disney Marathon. And also, I really enjoy running.
While I haven't been following a specific training plan for the half, I've just reverted to the opening weeks of marathon training (which is 16 weeks, and I'll have only done about 8 weeks of serious training before this race arrives, so math? Half the marathon, half the training time?). So this week was supposed to be 17 total miles (3-4-3-7). But with my schedule this week (more on that in a moment) my available times to run that distance were:
This afternoon from 4:30-6 and be late for call
Tonight 11:30-1AM (after getting home from the show)
Tomorrow morning 5-6:30 AM
Sunday morning 5-6:30 AM
Sunday night 11-12:30
Originally I was gonna do tonight because I really enjoy night running, but tomorrow and Sunday are both slammed and I thought I would appreciate having decent hour of sleep tonight.
As I thought through my day today I change my mind and decided to try and squeeze it in this afternoon. Which is fine timing wise, but it was very hot. Also I ran Thursday morning and was on my feet most of the first half of the day. So the end of my story/rambling is that I only got 45 minutes of running and before I had to give up. Now, I recognize that 45 straight minutes is an accomplishment. I couldn't tell you before the past few weeks the last time I ran that long consecutively. Probably been at least two years, if not more. But I was disappointed in myself because I'm supposed to get seven, and ended up with between 4-4.5, and even thouch it was probably physical factors more than anything, I hate losing the mental game. So I need to recognize my limitations, but also not give up; if I keep going consistently, and stay on target next week, or even if I fail the long run again, I'm still doing so much better than I ever would have expected. Also I know that I'm super busy and running is a "hobby" and therefore should not get precedence.
Which brings me to my next topic:
Someone asked me recently why I try and take Mondays off. To answer that question, let me show you my schedule for this past couple and upcoming couple days-
Wednesday- 7:30-8:45 rehearsal at UNF
9-10:30 practice at JU
10:30 lesson
11-12 rehearsal
12-1 lunch (ended up donating blood during this time period)
2-3:30 rehearsal
Commute to Palm Coast
5-6 practice
6-10:30 rehearsal
Thursday
7-12 DeLand/Orlando
Commute back to Palm Coast
3-5 rehearsal
6 call for Addams
Show ends 10, commute back to Jax
Friday
7-8 warm-up/practice
9-10 rehearsal UNF
10:30-11:15 rehearsal
12 masterclass
Lunch
2-3 rehearsal
Commute to daytona
6 call, show ends 10
Saturday
7-9 men's Bible study
9-11 set up sound for church
Commute to Melbourne
2 funeral
Commute to Daytona
6 call, show ends 10
Sunday
7:30-11:30 church
Commute to Daytona
Show 2
Commute to Palm Coast
Rehearsal 6-10
That's why I try to take Mondays off. And God is good in that I have the ability to find a day off. We all need to break. Also, I know that this is just my schedule from February to April, so don't get the idea that I am always quite this busy. But this is what I mean when I say I'm crazy in the spring.
The end.
Another one of my resolutions was to not tell people my resolutions.
So....0 for 2 so far.
So in my journey to become healthy again, I have picked up running. I've always enjoyed running, and I'm glad to make the time for it in my schedule, as it's very much a prayer/zen/sometimes the only time I get to see the sun place. I signed up for a half marathon in May, both to keep myself motivated to run and to get a decent time so I can have a higher corral placement at the 2018 Disney Marathon. And also, I really enjoy running.
While I haven't been following a specific training plan for the half, I've just reverted to the opening weeks of marathon training (which is 16 weeks, and I'll have only done about 8 weeks of serious training before this race arrives, so math? Half the marathon, half the training time?). So this week was supposed to be 17 total miles (3-4-3-7). But with my schedule this week (more on that in a moment) my available times to run that distance were:
This afternoon from 4:30-6 and be late for call
Tonight 11:30-1AM (after getting home from the show)
Tomorrow morning 5-6:30 AM
Sunday morning 5-6:30 AM
Sunday night 11-12:30
Originally I was gonna do tonight because I really enjoy night running, but tomorrow and Sunday are both slammed and I thought I would appreciate having decent hour of sleep tonight.
As I thought through my day today I change my mind and decided to try and squeeze it in this afternoon. Which is fine timing wise, but it was very hot. Also I ran Thursday morning and was on my feet most of the first half of the day. So the end of my story/rambling is that I only got 45 minutes of running and before I had to give up. Now, I recognize that 45 straight minutes is an accomplishment. I couldn't tell you before the past few weeks the last time I ran that long consecutively. Probably been at least two years, if not more. But I was disappointed in myself because I'm supposed to get seven, and ended up with between 4-4.5, and even thouch it was probably physical factors more than anything, I hate losing the mental game. So I need to recognize my limitations, but also not give up; if I keep going consistently, and stay on target next week, or even if I fail the long run again, I'm still doing so much better than I ever would have expected. Also I know that I'm super busy and running is a "hobby" and therefore should not get precedence.
Which brings me to my next topic:
Someone asked me recently why I try and take Mondays off. To answer that question, let me show you my schedule for this past couple and upcoming couple days-
Wednesday- 7:30-8:45 rehearsal at UNF
9-10:30 practice at JU
10:30 lesson
11-12 rehearsal
12-1 lunch (ended up donating blood during this time period)
2-3:30 rehearsal
Commute to Palm Coast
5-6 practice
6-10:30 rehearsal
Thursday
7-12 DeLand/Orlando
Commute back to Palm Coast
3-5 rehearsal
6 call for Addams
Show ends 10, commute back to Jax
Friday
7-8 warm-up/practice
9-10 rehearsal UNF
10:30-11:15 rehearsal
12 masterclass
Lunch
2-3 rehearsal
Commute to daytona
6 call, show ends 10
Saturday
7-9 men's Bible study
9-11 set up sound for church
Commute to Melbourne
2 funeral
Commute to Daytona
6 call, show ends 10
Sunday
7:30-11:30 church
Commute to Daytona
Show 2
Commute to Palm Coast
Rehearsal 6-10
That's why I try to take Mondays off. And God is good in that I have the ability to find a day off. We all need to break. Also, I know that this is just my schedule from February to April, so don't get the idea that I am always quite this busy. But this is what I mean when I say I'm crazy in the spring.
The end.
2/28/2017
February Statistics
Performances: 7 (+9 class/lab)
Pieces performed: 41
Cities worked in: 4
Miles driven: 3,442
Miles ran: 3.1
Pounds lost: ~19
Nights of sleep before midnight: 22
Sweet potatoes consumed: 5
God is good!!
.... and so are sweet potatoes.
Pieces performed: 41
Cities worked in: 4
Miles driven: 3,442
Miles ran: 3.1
Pounds lost: ~19
Nights of sleep before midnight: 22
Sweet potatoes consumed: 5
God is good!!
.... and so are sweet potatoes.
2/14/2017
Completion
A disclaimer- this entry is going to be a little different, in that rather than being a theoretical/application entry, it's going to be a more personal one. I'm not entirely sure I'll really develop any points or come to any strong conclusion. I don't talk much in depth about my experiences surrounding losing my wife to cancer, partially because it's inevitably awkward for me and awkward for them and really, who knows what to do with a 28 year old widower anyway?
. . . seriously, if you know, pass that along, because I definitely don't have a great idea. I could tell you lots of things not to do, but that is not the purpose for today.
So anyway, with that prelude. . .
Matt preached this past week on being made in the image of God as well as related that to gender/sexuality/marriage/identity. His sermon is here if you want to go take a listen. I think he did a great job handling it. There was one part that stuck out to me, and I know that if I don't think through it, even if I don't come to a conclusion, that it will eat away at me, and that's not healthy. It is the idea that, when God brings a husband and wife together, his purpose is in using them to complete each other. The weaknesses of one are bolstered by the strengths of the other, there's a fit, a match, that makes each person irrevocably tied together.
So what I wrote in my notes in the heat of the moment was: "Cam completed me- and then He took her? So am I complete still?"
Now, I could easily write up a page about how really I will never be complete until I'm made perfect in Christ, whether in death or on His return. And that's where we as Christians place hope boils down to. But that really only addresses the second half of the statement, so. . . I'm gonna break this down.
Cam completed me. . . I don't know that I've ever really thought about it in those terms, but it's definitely something I can get behind. Although I wasn't looking for that at the time, once the two of us had the first "serious talk" and started sharing our past experiences and our future hopes and dreams, it was clear we were meant to be together. I mean, we went on a 6 mile walk-and-talk in mid-February, and by the end of March I was looking for engagement rings, and I popped the question May 4. Granted, we had "not" been dating for a couple of years leading up to that. . . but really I don't know that either of us had thought seriously about us being together.
Well. . . maybe she had. Apparently when we went on our Disney non-dates she was concerned over her appearance, and also she got real mad at me when I dressed in my own special ways.
And then He took her- this is something I still wrestle with (I mean, clearly- the language is aggressive). I had some clarity a few weeks ago, conceptually that she was never "mine" to begin with. She was always God's child, this was His plan and intent, and I was given the great opportunity to know her, love her, and see her through to the end of her life here. That's still not an easy pill to swallow, but that's where trusting in God's goodness comes into contact with everyday life. Do I trust His promises, do I trust His character, do I truly believe that what He says is completely true? I can choose not to, but I have peace in knowing that I can trust Him, I have joy in that He shaped me through Cam's life and death, and I have hope for the future because He's still walking alongside me and leading me.
So. . . am I complete still? I mean, there's a part missing. I don't think that gap will be bridged on this side of heaven. But the cool part in thinking through this is recognizing the pieces of Cameron that live on in me: some that I cultivate, others that surprise me. I find myself trying to find alternate/positive-spin perspectives in hard circumstances (which is so completely a Cam thing and in no way a me thing). I'm a bit more in tune to the movement of the wind and fascinated by the moon. I take a whole lot more pictures than I used to. Sometimes I just sit and soak in the surroundings. I really, really want to go to Jurassic Quest (but of course I'm busy the weekend it's in Jacksonville). I'm more aware of other people as people, with backgrounds and histories and struggles, and am still learning to be patient even when they frustrate me. So I am certainly changed.
Today is Valentine's Day. Tomorrow would be our second anniversary. How do I glorify God in the midst of pain?
By recognizing that there is purpose in the pain.
By choosing to rejoice anyway.
By continuing to stay faithful to God.
By knowing my completion lies in Christ, and my task is to strive for that every day.
I know I won't do those things perfectly, and I can't do them on my own, but God's grace, power, and love is far greater than anything I face on this earth.
. . . seriously, if you know, pass that along, because I definitely don't have a great idea. I could tell you lots of things not to do, but that is not the purpose for today.
So anyway, with that prelude. . .
Matt preached this past week on being made in the image of God as well as related that to gender/sexuality/marriage/identity. His sermon is here if you want to go take a listen. I think he did a great job handling it. There was one part that stuck out to me, and I know that if I don't think through it, even if I don't come to a conclusion, that it will eat away at me, and that's not healthy. It is the idea that, when God brings a husband and wife together, his purpose is in using them to complete each other. The weaknesses of one are bolstered by the strengths of the other, there's a fit, a match, that makes each person irrevocably tied together.
So what I wrote in my notes in the heat of the moment was: "Cam completed me- and then He took her? So am I complete still?"
Now, I could easily write up a page about how really I will never be complete until I'm made perfect in Christ, whether in death or on His return. And that's where we as Christians place hope boils down to. But that really only addresses the second half of the statement, so. . . I'm gonna break this down.
Cam completed me. . . I don't know that I've ever really thought about it in those terms, but it's definitely something I can get behind. Although I wasn't looking for that at the time, once the two of us had the first "serious talk" and started sharing our past experiences and our future hopes and dreams, it was clear we were meant to be together. I mean, we went on a 6 mile walk-and-talk in mid-February, and by the end of March I was looking for engagement rings, and I popped the question May 4. Granted, we had "not" been dating for a couple of years leading up to that. . . but really I don't know that either of us had thought seriously about us being together.
Well. . . maybe she had. Apparently when we went on our Disney non-dates she was concerned over her appearance, and also she got real mad at me when I dressed in my own special ways.
(I mean, just look at those faces: thinly veiled anger and sheepish grin. America's finest)
(but seriously I got in big trouble once for wearing elf shorts with bells on them)
And then He took her- this is something I still wrestle with (I mean, clearly- the language is aggressive). I had some clarity a few weeks ago, conceptually that she was never "mine" to begin with. She was always God's child, this was His plan and intent, and I was given the great opportunity to know her, love her, and see her through to the end of her life here. That's still not an easy pill to swallow, but that's where trusting in God's goodness comes into contact with everyday life. Do I trust His promises, do I trust His character, do I truly believe that what He says is completely true? I can choose not to, but I have peace in knowing that I can trust Him, I have joy in that He shaped me through Cam's life and death, and I have hope for the future because He's still walking alongside me and leading me.
So. . . am I complete still? I mean, there's a part missing. I don't think that gap will be bridged on this side of heaven. But the cool part in thinking through this is recognizing the pieces of Cameron that live on in me: some that I cultivate, others that surprise me. I find myself trying to find alternate/positive-spin perspectives in hard circumstances (which is so completely a Cam thing and in no way a me thing). I'm a bit more in tune to the movement of the wind and fascinated by the moon. I take a whole lot more pictures than I used to. Sometimes I just sit and soak in the surroundings. I really, really want to go to Jurassic Quest (but of course I'm busy the weekend it's in Jacksonville). I'm more aware of other people as people, with backgrounds and histories and struggles, and am still learning to be patient even when they frustrate me. So I am certainly changed.
Today is Valentine's Day. Tomorrow would be our second anniversary. How do I glorify God in the midst of pain?
By recognizing that there is purpose in the pain.
By choosing to rejoice anyway.
By continuing to stay faithful to God.
By knowing my completion lies in Christ, and my task is to strive for that every day.
I know I won't do those things perfectly, and I can't do them on my own, but God's grace, power, and love is far greater than anything I face on this earth.
2/07/2017
Service vs. Serving
A question was posed that has dug into my mind and heart and I can't let it go:
As ministry leaders, what are we teaching people?
I don't mean the skills necessary to do whatever task- skills like reading music or changing a diaper or creating a document. I'm talking about spiritual growth. So maybe the question would be better stated: As ministry leaders, what are we teaching people as we disciple them? And maybe the question before that is are we taking time to disciple the people serving in our ministries?
As ministry leaders, what are we teaching people?
I don't mean the skills necessary to do whatever task- skills like reading music or changing a diaper or creating a document. I'm talking about spiritual growth. So maybe the question would be better stated: As ministry leaders, what are we teaching people as we disciple them? And maybe the question before that is are we taking time to disciple the people serving in our ministries?
This should be the difference between the church and every other gathering of people, whether it relate to work or hobby or whatever. We ought to be using ministry moments to encourage, correct, and sometimes even rebuke. But it is very easy to get caught up in the tasks that we forget about the people. The disciples did it constantly, and we certainly fare no better sometimes.
Although this isn't some official delineation, this is the best way I can think of to describe what happens. It's the idea of service vs. serving. Service, as a noun, focuses on the act, the end result of the ministry. Serving, as both gerund and participle, require thought about the person doing the act. And so, a comparison of the thought process (these are extremes; certainly there are areas we do better in and ones we can work on):
Service:
My value is found in the work I do.
I am loved when I serve, and I am encouraged only once my service begins to drop.
The church desires for me to serve, and so they provide opportunities to "work for the Lord."
Serving:
My value is found in Christ, and so I serve Him.
I am loved. I am encouraged continually, regardless of my current service.
The church desires to see me grow closer to God, and so they provide an opportunity for me to serve.
Do we praise our workers only on the week they do well, or do we continually thank and praise them, even when they mess up? Do we take the time to teach them from difficult experiences, or just get annoyed and begin to write them off both emotionally and from our scheduling? Do we chide the children's worker who loves kids and teaches them about Jesus but forgot to clean up the mess of animal crackers- or do we see their love of Christ poured into lives and thank God sincerely that they're a part of our team? Do we desire zeal for good works more than zeal for God? Are we cultivating an environment where people can do a lot, or can we craft an experience where they will grow and stretch in their faith?
Not easy questions, but if we want to see people grow in Christ, we must examine the way we are leading. And that also requires us to check ourselves, to recognize as leaders that we don't have it all together and need God's grace just as much as those who are on our team.
1/31/2017
How is the Bible transforming you?
This was a question posed last week at Lifegroup, and I had an answer but I didn't have the words for it. I kind of do now? I haven't quite collected my thoughts on this completely but I know if I don't set some of it down then none of it will ever come to light.
For me, lately, I have been rediscovering the comfort that is in Scripture. I posted about it with Psalm 119 a couple weeks ago, but it goes further than that. My brain is just too tired to form coherent sentences, so I'll leave you with some scripture that has comforted me recently (for now and someday soon I will expand on this thought!!).
Lamentations 3:22-24
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Psalm 119:176
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.
Job 19:25
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
Romans 6:4
We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For me, lately, I have been rediscovering the comfort that is in Scripture. I posted about it with Psalm 119 a couple weeks ago, but it goes further than that. My brain is just too tired to form coherent sentences, so I'll leave you with some scripture that has comforted me recently (for now and someday soon I will expand on this thought!!).
Lamentations 3:22-24
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Psalm 119:176
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.
Job 19:25
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
Romans 6:4
We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
1/24/2017
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
I was going to post about this last night when it was fresh, but I fell asleep mid-texting conversation, so there's that. One of the things we're doing this year with the Praise Team at Grace Life is breaking down some hymns of the faith. It's a neat process, because it becomes a collaborative effort, and even though I've done a lot of prep work before coming to this meeting, there are things that were pointed out that I didn't notice (all of which will be discussed below). The hymn for this month is not one I grew up with, but I discovered the version linked sometime during all of the cancer stuff, and it has stuck with me. Part of what we did last night was to look into the history of the hymn and pull apart the lyrics to figure out where the truths from Scripture were and how it still relates to us. The text (in all its old English glory) is:
I love how Ascend the Hill has treated it (the video in the link above, a modernized version with an added chorus related to each verse, really good stuff if you didn't go listen to it), but the original hymn tune is also nice. But most importantly, the lyrics are so rich. So this is what we came up with.
First of all, the hymn writer, though not born blind, lost his sight by the age of 18, so all of the delicate imagery is fascinating. Second, he said that he wrote this after some extreme but unnamed trial that he faced, and that it was written as a hasty response. Bearing all that in mind, it is interesting how each verse begins with a descriptor that is clearly meant to be replaced with Jesus. He begins the song focusing on God's love, something that we can rest in, something that will anchor us no matter where the oceans may take us.
He then moves into a description of Light, and it's interesting that in this context the Light is following, not leading. At least, not until the writer yields his torch, his heart, to be able to shine brighter. It's also worth noting that it is the heart which stores the rays, borrowed rays, implying that there's something there that wasn't there before.
Now, to the crux of the matter- the Joy coming in pain, the writer who cannot help but open himself back up. The writer is pursued by God! Sometimes we forget that it is a two-way street. And, given the context of the writing, it is likely that Matheson felt lost, felt like he could not be forgiven. BUT- he holds onto the promise of God, points specifically to the promise that God would not flood the earth because of man's sinfulness. Perhaps he himself is feeling so vile that he thinks God cannot forgive him. But he knows that the next morning is filled with new mercy.
And finally, really bringing everything full circle, the Cross. This final verse is a word picture in the same way that baptism is a physical representation of everything that culminates in salvation. But let's not lose the beginning of this verse- I dare not ask to fly (or some versions say "hide") from Jesus! Why hide from God? And even more amazing, that he starts by saying that Jesus is lifting his head!
If that doesn't get you pumped, I don't know what to do for you.
We all screw up. This hymn is written for the Christian who thinks that what they have done is so abominable to God that they choose to avoid him, to fight against Him, to go their own way, to hold onto the hurt, to hide. . . but God is there, waiting for you to return. His forgiveness that you have received already covered everything you've done and are going to do. And if you haven't experienced that forgiveness. . . if this song doesn't make any sense. . . then let's talk.
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
First of all, the hymn writer, though not born blind, lost his sight by the age of 18, so all of the delicate imagery is fascinating. Second, he said that he wrote this after some extreme but unnamed trial that he faced, and that it was written as a hasty response. Bearing all that in mind, it is interesting how each verse begins with a descriptor that is clearly meant to be replaced with Jesus. He begins the song focusing on God's love, something that we can rest in, something that will anchor us no matter where the oceans may take us.
He then moves into a description of Light, and it's interesting that in this context the Light is following, not leading. At least, not until the writer yields his torch, his heart, to be able to shine brighter. It's also worth noting that it is the heart which stores the rays, borrowed rays, implying that there's something there that wasn't there before.
Now, to the crux of the matter- the Joy coming in pain, the writer who cannot help but open himself back up. The writer is pursued by God! Sometimes we forget that it is a two-way street. And, given the context of the writing, it is likely that Matheson felt lost, felt like he could not be forgiven. BUT- he holds onto the promise of God, points specifically to the promise that God would not flood the earth because of man's sinfulness. Perhaps he himself is feeling so vile that he thinks God cannot forgive him. But he knows that the next morning is filled with new mercy.
And finally, really bringing everything full circle, the Cross. This final verse is a word picture in the same way that baptism is a physical representation of everything that culminates in salvation. But let's not lose the beginning of this verse- I dare not ask to fly (or some versions say "hide") from Jesus! Why hide from God? And even more amazing, that he starts by saying that Jesus is lifting his head!
If that doesn't get you pumped, I don't know what to do for you.
We all screw up. This hymn is written for the Christian who thinks that what they have done is so abominable to God that they choose to avoid him, to fight against Him, to go their own way, to hold onto the hurt, to hide. . . but God is there, waiting for you to return. His forgiveness that you have received already covered everything you've done and are going to do. And if you haven't experienced that forgiveness. . . if this song doesn't make any sense. . . then let's talk.
1/14/2017
Peace that passes understanding
(No focus in this entry, just want to get back into the habit of writing.)
Sometime between 12:30 and 1 AM this morning, a rock hit my windshield at that one perfect angle where there is now a crack about halfway through the whole thing.
This morning on my way to go set-up sound for church, I got pulled over for doing 60 in a 45. Yay mindless driving. . .
Which then led me into signing up for an online driving school so that I can keep the points off my license. . . so there's 4 hours of my life spent doing something I'd rather not be doing.
I found out this afternoon that somehow I failed to send an e-mail to one of my team members (but thankfully she was gracious and flexible).
Any one of those things could have easily sent me into an angry place. . . the combination of all of them in a span of a short few hours??
And yet. . . peace. Zen Ben, if you will.
Strange, and yet maybe not.
I've been swimming in Psalm 119 recently. I know that I've read it before, and actually I was not expecting to find what I was looking for in there (which is always the best when you go searching in the Bible and get surprised). But there are some great gems in there:
v. 28- My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word!
v. 49-50- Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
v. 68, 71- You are good and do good; teach me your statutes. It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.
v. 140- Your promise is well tried, and your servant loves it.
v. 176- I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.
I know the next few weeks are going to be tough. . . and this may be a calm before the storm. . . but there is also clarity that I haven't had in a while.
Sometime between 12:30 and 1 AM this morning, a rock hit my windshield at that one perfect angle where there is now a crack about halfway through the whole thing.
This morning on my way to go set-up sound for church, I got pulled over for doing 60 in a 45. Yay mindless driving. . .
Which then led me into signing up for an online driving school so that I can keep the points off my license. . . so there's 4 hours of my life spent doing something I'd rather not be doing.
I found out this afternoon that somehow I failed to send an e-mail to one of my team members (but thankfully she was gracious and flexible).
Any one of those things could have easily sent me into an angry place. . . the combination of all of them in a span of a short few hours??
And yet. . . peace. Zen Ben, if you will.
Strange, and yet maybe not.
I've been swimming in Psalm 119 recently. I know that I've read it before, and actually I was not expecting to find what I was looking for in there (which is always the best when you go searching in the Bible and get surprised). But there are some great gems in there:
v. 28- My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word!
v. 49-50- Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
v. 68, 71- You are good and do good; teach me your statutes. It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.
v. 140- Your promise is well tried, and your servant loves it.
v. 176- I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments.
I know the next few weeks are going to be tough. . . and this may be a calm before the storm. . . but there is also clarity that I haven't had in a while.
1/10/2017
"It's been a while" or "I wonder while I run-der"
Can't go wrong with Rocky and Bullwinkle references. So timely.
So yeah. . . it has been over a year since I have written anything personal, not just on this blog but in any capacity. I do plenty of writing during classes, and while this past class had a lot of personal application (which was fantastic), still, it makes me a little sad.
Explaining how the marathon's I've run are representative of the year leading up to each race will shed more light, and that is my intention this morning before I return (slowly walking) to work today.
2012 (Marathon 2013)- 5:47:44. I've always enjoyed running but have never taken it seriously. So, when I started losing weight and getting healthier in 2012, I decided on a whim that I should set up a long term goal so I would have something to achieve. I tend to be task oriented rather than goal oriented, but in this case it made sense to me. I had heard about the Disney race weekend, and when I looked up the information, I found that the cost for the different races were about the same. So me, in my hyper-intelligence about getting the most out of my money, signed up for the marathon. I mean, if I'm going to pay close to $200 to run through Disney, I might as well run through the whole thing, right?
Yep. There was seriously no other motivation. I didn't have a lifelong desire to run a marathon. In fact, I never really thought of myself as an endurance runner. I played tennis in high school, so I got decent at doing quick sprints, but at this point I had never even participated in a 5k. So you know, normal thought process.
I found a training plan that made sense to me and started training in July. I was running about a 12 minute mile, and I stayed the course with training, all the way to the final long run before tapering off. I finished that marathon just a little past my goal (5:30), but still I felt good about it. I had set my mind to something, I went through the process to make the things happen, and it did!
And for some crazy reason I signed up for the next year's marathon.
2013 (Marathon 2014)- This was my best marathon time. 4:35:22. I was the smallest I had been, possibly ever as an adult, and running felt so great. The year leading up was filled with great things- it was the year Cam and I got engaged, I had fallen into a teaching job that I loved, I was doing well socially, spiritually, everything was fluid.
Until November. Cam's chest pains. X-rays. CT scans. Cancer. Chemo.
Running was always an escape, and during the last couple months of training, it was helpful to have a place alone to zone out, to pray, to process. I'm an internal processor anyway, and doing some task that doesn't require lots of thinking (like running) creates the optimum processing power.
2014 (Marathon 2015)- 6:42:28. We got married, which is one of the great moments of my life, but even that was bittersweet as we had rescheduled it to fit into the treatment plan, finding an empty spot between radiation and chemo. And then the bone marrow transplant. . . we lived in Tampa for a while because of that. I forced myself to run around the tiny lake that was there at the apartment complex, and sometimes on USF's campus, but now the running was more fueled by anger than by anything else. After we moved back home, I stuck with running until sometime in November, where life just started to get to be too much (between work, shows, and figuring out married life). So, I was still in decent shape, but having given up the training program, the finishing time was less than impressive when compared to the years previous. If you had been inside my mind, I probably would have said the same thing about where I thought life was headed. We had began to give up dreams in this year, made compromises and changes that didn't seem fair, and while it certainly wasn't all bad, it was absolutely overwhelming and all happening way too fast.
2015 (Marathon 2016)- 7:13:19. The big bomb. Cam's death. The year I moved away from all of that. Ran away from it. As far as training I was actually still running (angrily), but once I took the job at Wal-Mart overnight, any hope of a normal life schedule was shattered, and I gave up training in October. I just needed to survive the year, I just needed to survive the race. . . and I did both. Not without set-backs. Not without pain and chaos and anger and questioning God. But still. . . I stayed the course.
2016 (Marathon 2017)- 7:14:04. When I looked up the time from last year, I was surprised because I thought that I did much worse this year than I did last year. I don't know if I'm happy or not that they are comparable. I can tell you the race, even though it was only a couple days ago, is a blur. I know that I had enjoyable moments, I know I faced times of runner's doubt and feared the sweepers, and I tried not to look behind me and keep my eyes forward, but I would be lying to say that I didn't. I even asked a couple cast members near the end if I was safe yet.
So, in a word: woof.
I look back at 2016, and while plenty of people have made statements about "worst year ever" and whatnot, for me, it's less that and more "non-existent year." "Blurry previous 18 months." Not in its entirety, but I know especially in the first few months of 2016, I checked out on a lot of levels. Dealing with first year anniversaries and trying to comprehend a new work life, a new social life, a new church. . . less about being overwhelmed and more about just not understanding how I got here from there. A lot of blur. But there was a mental shift happening underneath that. An important shift, a recognition that none of this is out of the sovereignty of God's hand. A wave of truth that I can either let continue to cycle while I stay put and tread water (because that's working out so well for me. . .), or that I can move with so that I can begin to head back to the shore (which means more than just movement- though it may start with outside processes, it requires commitment to an attitude change).
Because it's not all about me.
And further, I am where I am supposed to be.
There is so much to be done. So many opportunities that have been missed.
So I must engage. I must engage God. I must engage myself.
I'm not going to post a list of resolutions, but for the moment, for my own sake, I will post a thematic word:
Return.
So yeah. . . it has been over a year since I have written anything personal, not just on this blog but in any capacity. I do plenty of writing during classes, and while this past class had a lot of personal application (which was fantastic), still, it makes me a little sad.
Explaining how the marathon's I've run are representative of the year leading up to each race will shed more light, and that is my intention this morning before I return (slowly walking) to work today.
2012 (Marathon 2013)- 5:47:44. I've always enjoyed running but have never taken it seriously. So, when I started losing weight and getting healthier in 2012, I decided on a whim that I should set up a long term goal so I would have something to achieve. I tend to be task oriented rather than goal oriented, but in this case it made sense to me. I had heard about the Disney race weekend, and when I looked up the information, I found that the cost for the different races were about the same. So me, in my hyper-intelligence about getting the most out of my money, signed up for the marathon. I mean, if I'm going to pay close to $200 to run through Disney, I might as well run through the whole thing, right?
Yep. There was seriously no other motivation. I didn't have a lifelong desire to run a marathon. In fact, I never really thought of myself as an endurance runner. I played tennis in high school, so I got decent at doing quick sprints, but at this point I had never even participated in a 5k. So you know, normal thought process.
I found a training plan that made sense to me and started training in July. I was running about a 12 minute mile, and I stayed the course with training, all the way to the final long run before tapering off. I finished that marathon just a little past my goal (5:30), but still I felt good about it. I had set my mind to something, I went through the process to make the things happen, and it did!
And for some crazy reason I signed up for the next year's marathon.
2013 (Marathon 2014)- This was my best marathon time. 4:35:22. I was the smallest I had been, possibly ever as an adult, and running felt so great. The year leading up was filled with great things- it was the year Cam and I got engaged, I had fallen into a teaching job that I loved, I was doing well socially, spiritually, everything was fluid.
Until November. Cam's chest pains. X-rays. CT scans. Cancer. Chemo.
Running was always an escape, and during the last couple months of training, it was helpful to have a place alone to zone out, to pray, to process. I'm an internal processor anyway, and doing some task that doesn't require lots of thinking (like running) creates the optimum processing power.
2014 (Marathon 2015)- 6:42:28. We got married, which is one of the great moments of my life, but even that was bittersweet as we had rescheduled it to fit into the treatment plan, finding an empty spot between radiation and chemo. And then the bone marrow transplant. . . we lived in Tampa for a while because of that. I forced myself to run around the tiny lake that was there at the apartment complex, and sometimes on USF's campus, but now the running was more fueled by anger than by anything else. After we moved back home, I stuck with running until sometime in November, where life just started to get to be too much (between work, shows, and figuring out married life). So, I was still in decent shape, but having given up the training program, the finishing time was less than impressive when compared to the years previous. If you had been inside my mind, I probably would have said the same thing about where I thought life was headed. We had began to give up dreams in this year, made compromises and changes that didn't seem fair, and while it certainly wasn't all bad, it was absolutely overwhelming and all happening way too fast.
2015 (Marathon 2016)- 7:13:19. The big bomb. Cam's death. The year I moved away from all of that. Ran away from it. As far as training I was actually still running (angrily), but once I took the job at Wal-Mart overnight, any hope of a normal life schedule was shattered, and I gave up training in October. I just needed to survive the year, I just needed to survive the race. . . and I did both. Not without set-backs. Not without pain and chaos and anger and questioning God. But still. . . I stayed the course.
2016 (Marathon 2017)- 7:14:04. When I looked up the time from last year, I was surprised because I thought that I did much worse this year than I did last year. I don't know if I'm happy or not that they are comparable. I can tell you the race, even though it was only a couple days ago, is a blur. I know that I had enjoyable moments, I know I faced times of runner's doubt and feared the sweepers, and I tried not to look behind me and keep my eyes forward, but I would be lying to say that I didn't. I even asked a couple cast members near the end if I was safe yet.
So, in a word: woof.
I look back at 2016, and while plenty of people have made statements about "worst year ever" and whatnot, for me, it's less that and more "non-existent year." "Blurry previous 18 months." Not in its entirety, but I know especially in the first few months of 2016, I checked out on a lot of levels. Dealing with first year anniversaries and trying to comprehend a new work life, a new social life, a new church. . . less about being overwhelmed and more about just not understanding how I got here from there. A lot of blur. But there was a mental shift happening underneath that. An important shift, a recognition that none of this is out of the sovereignty of God's hand. A wave of truth that I can either let continue to cycle while I stay put and tread water (because that's working out so well for me. . .), or that I can move with so that I can begin to head back to the shore (which means more than just movement- though it may start with outside processes, it requires commitment to an attitude change).
Because it's not all about me.
And further, I am where I am supposed to be.
There is so much to be done. So many opportunities that have been missed.
So I must engage. I must engage God. I must engage myself.
I'm not going to post a list of resolutions, but for the moment, for my own sake, I will post a thematic word:
Return.
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